This post is intended to highlight the differences between relationships (specifically romantic ones, although the points highlighted will apply to all interpersonal relationships) and what we are calling conscientious and deliberate Agreements.
What are Relationships?
Relationships are what we as humans form with the world around us as soon as we are born. Despite there being no 'guidebook' on how to be a parent or a child or even person in this world, and inadequate information and knowledge about how and why the world is so fucked up, we are popped out into this world and expected to form relationships with the people around us from the beginning. This usually starts with our parents and expands to their friends, siblings/extended family, teachers, and, eventually, employers and lovers of a sexual nature.
While it's said you cannot choose your parents and perhaps other people who are temporarily your life such as a boss or coworker, generally, it is understood that you have a certain amount of agency when it comes to choosing your romantic partner. Why is it, then, that despite this apparent ability to choose, we fall into so many of the same traps with our romantic relationships as cause problems in the other areas of our life? Yes, bickering with your parents or having problems with one's boss are understood to be 'part of the deal' when it comes to functioning in this world, but yet so many relationships exhibit similar types of failure with even more than half of marriages, presumably the most thought-out and carefully planned-for relationships, in some countries are doomed to fail?
Herein, I argue that it's because we aren't taking full responsibility within these relationships, and instead allow unaccounted-for aspects of our subconscious and unconscious minds and behaviors dictate our starting point within said relationships. We can justify or excuse all manner of personal shortcomings with conventional wisdom such as "Nobody's perfect" or "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Because each one of us in unaccountable for our own darker points, we expect our partners to look the other way when it comes to them, as well. That leaves these parts of ourselves unexposed and thus is it really that surprising when future problems stemming from these same issues rise and re-rise, plaguing the relationship long into the future?
Destonians have been walking a Process of Change for a long time where we have learned to expose, take responsibility for, and actively change these darker aspects of ourselves tied to our minds which hold us back from living better lives. Within this, we discovered the depth of this darkness was quite a lot more than we had imagined. If we, ourselves, were so messed up, it was realized, than it stood to reason that relationships as they have existed in this world were doomed as well. One person can be so uninformed and unaccountable; add a second person to the equation and the opportunities for mindfucking oneself and another simply increase!
What is an Agreement?
Within this process of self-discovery and self-change, Destonians (those that walk the Desteni 'I' Process realized that it was necessary to also create a new way of relating with others. Once we learned the importance of taking self-responsibility i.e. taking every point back to oneself for scrutiny and correction, if necessary, we realized that this had to be the starting point of any partnership and thus what was required was a redefinition of what has traditionally been called a 'Relationship'.
Instead of two people juggling work and personal responsibilities coming together to either satisfy or repress certain aspects of themselves in an almost universally unsatisfying situation, coexisting amongst certain hidden or undiscovered dark aspects of ourselves which generate constant and continuous friction, we decided we'd had Enough.
The new rules are:
- First one must walk and prove self-responsibility in one's daily life. By writing self-forgiveness and publishing it, Destonians prove the Stability of their self-agreements to change and improve.
- Only when this process had been walked for a number of years is one even near ready to consider walking an Agreement.
- This doesn't mean you've perfected yourself. However, by establishing self-trust and self-care as core principles, one can ascertain one is ready to move into a partnership with another Destonian.
- An Agreement is thereby created between the two as a Document of Living Words wherein it is established that the agreement/relationship is intended as a platform for each Individual to continue and expand their own personal process of self-change while benefiting from the intimacy of a partnership.
- How and why such an Agreement will come to benefit the parties involved is up to them, but, as always, the Agreement is up for revisiting and revisions should both parties deem it necessary.
Thanks for reading!