I gotta be honest right now. I'd rather be creating something. Something with paint. Something that's been nagging me for a while...but, I wanted to get to this thought because it struck me so hard tonight. Like the proverbial lighting bolt to the chest. Rather than talking about the art, I want to talk about just what's on my mind and let the art take the backseat for a second. Don't worry, it will all come together in the end ;)
...It's okay to fuck up.
Super simple. Super obvious. But, I think it's something I let myself forget all the damn time. The further I move forward, the father behind I seem to leave that concept. There are so many times I hesitate, or don't do, because I'm worried about the outcome. Will it look good? Will it look bad? I'm sure anyone who's reading this and has tried anything artistic knows that feeling all to well.
It keeps us, no, me, from exploring. I'm scared. I'm scared because I might fuck up. I know I'm gonna fuck up. I'll always fuck up...and so the thought continues to spiral until I at last turn away from what I wanted to do. Or, I don't take the piece to the level I know it could go.
But, why am I so scared?
The obvious answer is because I'm scared because of what people will think of it. As much as I preach to follow your gut and leave everything else behind, I'm human. I'm scared of something not looking good, not getting noticed, etc. etc. etc..
But, every time I start to forget about everyone and everything else, it flows, like warm butter. The catch is there's this crazy balance between not caring and letting it flow, and not paying attention and letting it flow. One works, one creates massive dabs of ugh. There's also the third point of realizing what zone you're in and not letting that realization get in the way, hehe.
As I was cleaning up my room tonight, trying to figure out what direction I was about to go with creation, that thought hit me like a lighting bolt because in cleaning my room I had to organize all of my paintings. Before I knew anything about anything I was pumping out sheet after sheet of raw creativity. Like black splashes of WTF over brown kraft paper...things you'd want to take a second to go through and look at. You know, like when you're going through a yard sale and see a box with a couple interesting looking records that make you want to go through the rest. And, there in front of you are some lesser known hits. Not saying that my paintings were/are hits, but, same emotion. Giddy excitement and curiosity.
Basically I didn't give a fuck. My point was to brush through so much paper getting out what I had on my heart and in my mind. And you could see it. Now, you can see a lot of that same energy in all these drawings...of a different level and different focus. Instead of trying to use the paint to splash out the ideas, my drawings begin to bound them in. Not in a bad way, just, it's different. As I grow I'm sure I'll learn to balance these splash out and bound in to create the exact energy I want to express.
The last several posts I've mentioned that I don't know why I've been obsessed with charcoal on newsprint...I've figured it out. I can fuck up as much as I want however I want and it doesn't matter. I'm covered by both the ability to use the rag to wipe away, and that it's cheap paper that I can get through asap to learn. Thus, unimportant. Something I didn't have to give a fuck about really.
Protected by my unconscious I may have grown in many ways technically, but if I move to another medium to try, that fear of fucking up rises exponentially. That's why I wanted to call it out here, so that if other people are feeling the same way about their work, or trying new things, or doing things that they used to love doing but now don't...this might help expose what's up. Make people examine themselves a bit for their own reasons why they don't give bronze casting a try... God children have it so easy when learning this stuff. Maybe not technically, but, creatively. If I ever have kids...
None of this is easy. At least not for me. I love what I'm doing. I wouldn't be doing anything else. These little bolts of lighting are great. They remind me of how much I don't know about what I'm doing, or about myself. Each hiccup, hesitation, and frustration teaches me something. As much as it may cause me to grit my teeth and curse the gods, these lessons must be learned. If I wanna get to where I wanna get...living off my art, I gotta keep my eyes open and my mind sharp so that I can always be moving in the right direction.
Anyways, I hope this didn't sound like mindless circle-talking drivel. For me these revelations are important because they show signs of growth. Yeah, they might be hella obvious. But, I think a lot of good information is common knowledge, but it's only at a certain time we can internalize them and truly make use of it. I see them as incorporating pieces of the puzzle that is my journey, hehe. I'm gonna go and randomly throw paint onto paper and see what happens. I've already pumped out 6, or 7 nice charcoal sketches so...time to have fun? Or were the sketches fun and this work? Or vice versa? Meh, who cares? Be well and thanks for stopping by!