Captains Log: star date 01.001
After what feels like years of testing and having to suffer a relentless stream of jokes from Elon that he’s going to take my place, my day of departure has finally arrived. Of course there were the unavoidable hiccups and disappointments along the way. I was promised a model S type ship and ended up with a convertible, also I have been instructed not to leave the solar system, but seriously…
What’s Elon gonna do once I’m out there?
The Falcon heavy rocket looks impressive and my roadster is actually kinda cool. The fact that it will be freezing without a roof worries me a bit, but the prospect of an unlimited view makes up for most of that. And who knows, if there are some cute female aliens out there, a sexy ship like this might be just the thing to impress them.
My ground team is impatient and wants me to get in the roadster, but I am sniffing Earth air for the last time and I’m not gonna be pushed into leaving without saying my goodbyes. Elon understands this better than anyone I guess. He probably knows that I do not intend to return and grants me all the time I need to ready myself. God, I love the smell of grass and even the overwhelming sounds of the launch area are like music to my ears right now.
Speaking about music, I know Elon expects me to listen to David Bowie for eternity, but I have a usb-stick in my boots packed with the stuff I like to listen to. Katy Perry is along for the ride! I guess it’s time to put on my helmet and surrender myself to my ground team, as I’m walking towards my roadster I feel totally relaxed. All the stress I felt before seems to melt away and all that remains is a great sense of belonging.
This is what is was made to do.
When I am all strapped in Elon comes to me smiling and shakes my hand. “Make me proud Space Man” he says. “Don’t fuck it up down here” is my reply. We both laugh and he makes me promise one more time to be a good boy and stay in orbit around our sun. Sure Elon, I will tell you what you want to hear. Anything you want to hear, as long as you’re gonna press that button.
As the capsule is closing I catch a last glimpse of Earth. And then it’s dark and the only sound left is the voice of the countdown clock. T minus 60 minutes and counting. I spend my last hour on Earth thinking about the simple things I’m gonna miss. Cheeseburgers, hot showers, walking on the beach, playing games online. It’s funny how the things you take for granted turn out the things that you end up appreciating the most.
T minus 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…ignition.
A huge roar from the engines makes the Falcon vibrate heavily and for a few moments it feels like something is terribly wrong. And then slowly I feel the giant rocket moving. I am pressed in my seat while the Falcon accelerates, faster and faster and with every second passing my realisation starts coming back.
My journey has begun.
Captains Log: star date 01.038
I am in space........Hic Locus et Tempus est!
As I watch the capsule from the Falcon drift away I feel strangely lost and utterly small and insignificant. Earth’s blue and green colours are reflected on my roadster and in my mirror I catch a glimpse of the moon. There are more stars than I have ever seen and as I watch Africa pass underneath me I realise that the light indicating an incoming radio signal is flashing . It’s Elon’s frequency, I guess he’s anxious to know if all is well.
I let the light flash for a few more minutes while I drown myself in the beauty of it all. When I try to press the button that opens the radio channel several times I have to chuckle. Elon and his obsession for small beautiful buttons…. He is such a tool sometimes. On my third attempt I manage to open the channel and hear Elon’s slightly irritated voice crystal clear through the build in speakers in my suit.
“Hello, are you there?” he says “Why don’t you answer me, is something wrong?”. Typical Elon behaviour, he is a terrible control freak, but I am the boss man now.
“No my friend” I reply, “Everything is ok, I just wanted to enjoy the view for a bit.” “There’s plenty of time for that later” says Elon, “Did you finish your checklist already? We’re waiting for your confirmation here.” Once more i have to giggle. “Ah, yes the checklist” I say, “You will have to wait a bit longer I’m afraid, I’m currently uploading my playlist in the system”. “You didn’t really expect me to listen to David Bowie all the time, did you?”
Elon is not pleased. “Damn it Space Man” he shouts, “I thought I made myself clear on that”. I laugh at his anger and try not to sound too smug when I answer him. “ Well I guess we should have a talk about our mutual expectations then Elon”, “I think it’s mostly my opinion that matters now, since I’m up here and you’re not.” The silence that follows seems to last forever and I can almost picture him sitting there in front of his monitors, realising that he’s not in control anymore.
When he finally answers his voice is squeaky and lacking of conviction. “Any more surprises you wish to share with me?” he asks. “well….. you know I’ve always said our solar system is for tourists right? I reply, “And I’m a space explorer, not a bloody tourist”. I expect him to start shouting again, but instead he sighs. “Well it seems that you’re calling the shots now Space Man” he replies after a bit, then he laughs and says “At least until I’m coming up there myself and whoop your ass”. A smile forms on my face, you gotta love that man. “That would be the day.” I answer him, “Unlikely, but what a pair we would make: Elon and the space Man.” “Too bad you’ve got a company to run down there”. Elon laughs at me and when he answers it is with his usual conviction back in his voice. “I build self-driving cars you idiot, how long do you think it would take me to build a self-running company?”
Could he be serious? Am I just here to set up shop for him? Nothing would surprise me from this man anymore. But for now he’s just another guy on Earth and I’m among the stars. So I disregard the thought and reply with a stab disguised as a joke. “That’s great Elon, but you gotta hurry to catch up…I’m about to engage thrusters and put this sexy spaceship in to ludicrous mode”.
Once more I get to enjoy a silent Elon Musk.
“The checklist is in your mailbox” are my last words before I cut the connection. The time has come to put my money where my mouth is. When I press the button the boosters kick in immediately. Once again I’m pushed in to my seat and in my rear view mirror I see the Earth rapidly getting smaller.
Shouting is space is pointless, but I just can’t help myself.
I have become an explorer.
To be continued.
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