We're continuing with the new format. Let us know if you like it.
Firstly, please look at our logo:
Thank you to @gnarlyanimations for designing our new logo
It is here for two reasons, firstly it's pretty gnarly. Secondly the reason which came first is that it hides who the jester is. As do these words because they will show up on your screen so we're trying not to give it away.
This week's nominations for Court Jester are:
- @amirtheawesome1: Ghosts and Monsters of Baghdad Part 2/3 - Comedy Open Mic Round 36 Entry 1
- @llfarms: Don't Look Behind The Curtain Dorothy | A Horror Themed Comedy Open Mic Week 36 Entry
- @diebitch: I can't write horror stories - Comedy Open Mic Round 36
- @spunkpuppet: Comedy Open Mic Round 36 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 58 - You Mucky Little Devil.
The Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest Court Jester for Round 36:
We've all heard the story, its engrained in our memory.. Dorothy took a wonderful adventure to a magical land where she herself saved the beautiful world of Oz, classic good triumphs evil story…but its not the truth, its just what they wanted us to think... that happy ending we all needed to hear. So, what really happened to Dorothy?
The truth is she looked in places she shouldn't have looked.. she saw things she didn't want to see, and it left her unable to finish her pumpkin spice latte. (those things are expensive too, such a dang waste.)
They say the truth will set you free, and it might.. eventually.. but usually its gonna terrify you, then piss you off and leave you questioning everything ...and that’s exactly what happened to Dorothy. I’ll try to walk you through it the best I can…
Yes, Dorothy found herself in a strange but interesting world.. no one is quite sure on the specifics of how she got there.. it could have been in fact the doings of a twister, as the story goes. Or possibly she had a bit too much to drink out on the town one night and lost her way, maybe even some sort of gateway through the digital world that placed her there on that fateful day. How she got there really isn’t important.. just use your imagination on that one people, I have faith in you. What happened next is what changed her life.. and why I’m telling this story.
You see, when she awoke she was met by a beautiful witch, a good witch in fact.. who had a job for her to do. She needed to make her way down the yellow brick road, where at the end of that road she would find what she was looking for. What was she looking for? Well, that depends… some say it was fame, some say it was a way home, some say it was designer shoes, others even say it was some crazy NSFW stuff… I wont go into that. The important part is that the pretty witch sent her on her way.
As soon as Dorothy started her journey so was intrigued.. so many things to see! Cute little munchkins who were dancing for her entertainment to the merriest of songs.. not asking for anything in return of course.. only for the sake of her happiness and to bring some cheer to their devastated country. You see, the munchkins were in a terrible pinch and were just trying to survive… they were such honorable people you know. There were also beautiful paintings lining the streets, farmers telling her of their adventures, amazing chefs cooking the most marvelous meals. And through this all the munchkins were trying to give what they could to encourage these lovely folks to keep on sharing.. such honorable people. Dorothy’s first impressions of this place were just grand, so much so that she stayed with them for a while.
Then one day while out taking a walk through the lavender fields while eating some cake, she noticed something quite strange. You see, some of these lovely individuals were picking up apples off of the ground.. but the ones they were choosing were the rotten ones.. full of worms and insects. They all seemed so pleased when they found one too.. some even fought over them!! Imagine that, people actually fighting over rotten apples!?! The whole scene was very odd to Dorothy, so she gobbled up her cake and went to investigate.
Sure enough, here were these ordinary folks just fighting over rotten apples while the good ones set up in the trees still. At first, Dorothy just assumed they must not be able to reach them.. what a travesty!
So she climbed up into the tree like any good girl would do and collected the good apples to bring to the people. After all that work she came down to share what she had found. But, in the middle of trying to explain why these good apples were a better choice.. there was a roar of thunder and a huge lightening bolt struck the ground and everyone scattered. A sweet and innocent munchkin approached her under the cover of a nearby tree and sweetly informed her that the people preferred the rotten apples and that is the way it had always been. She couldn’t go around changing things, that’s just not the way things were done.
At this point Dorothy realized it was probably time for her to leave, she was on a mission after all.. and maybe, just maybe.. people would be a bit more intelligent further up the yellow brick road.
So, off she went.. off on a mission.. of what no one can truly say.
The farther up the road she went though, the same thing occurred. All these beautiful apples were being ignored while individuals fought over the rotten ones! Except the fights were worse.. instead of just bickering they were using grenades and rocket launchers! Over rotten apples?? What the heck is wrong with you people??
Dorothy was terrified, and rightfully so.. the drama was top level crazy sh!@ going on here! She ran for her life and while running through the woods came upon one of those sweet little munchkin people again.. you poor thing, she thought, we have to get you out of here! She helped the munchkin escape to the safety of the nearby forest. While catching her breath, the munchkin very politely asked her to continue on her way.. this was no place for her after all.
Well hot damn that was the best advice she had heard all day! Her life was in danger after all, and she was almost collateral damage back there!
(I know what you are thinking, where is the tin man, the scarecrow and the lion? You know, the ones that helped Dorothy and looked out for her? Yeah, that is all just fake.. no one was there to look out for her, she was all on her own.)
She crossed back through the forest and found the road again, and she could even see a beautiful emerald castle there in the distance! They must have the answers she seeked! She was so excited she began to run.. and soon ended up flat on her face. Not only was she terribly clumsy but the yellow brick road was just a mess now.. bricks were missing from everywhere. It was worse that the pot holes in New York City! She was so confused by this.. being here so close to the palace, you’d think they would want to make a good impression on visitors.. but it was absolutely dreadful. There were just piles of trash everywhere, and so many rotten damn apples.. at this point there weren’t even any yellow bricks left.. just a good ole dirt road.
As Dorothy made her way into the palace she had such a terrible feeling.. everything inside her was saying she needed to turn back.. she even heard a voice say don’t look behind the curtain Dorothy followed by the most gut wrenching laugh she had ever heard! Dorothy took off in a sprint! Down the hallway, up the stairs.. all while being followed by something hot on her tail.. she didn’t even know what it was, all she knew was that she had to run.
At the end of the hallway was a large door, it said something about stack, snack or slack.. she wasn’t sure.. the writing was old and unreadable. She hesitated for a minute but then heard that terrible laugh again and opened the door, rushed in and slammed it behind her. Was she safe now? She wasn’t sure, but at least she could breath for a minute.
When she finally recovered, she looked around the room.. it was a grand room, and over in the corner was the most mesmerizing thing.. it was hard to make out due to the blazing fire around it.. and the glow of that very specific green coloring.. or was it teal.. doesn’t matter.. she made her way towards it.
Immediately she was stopped by a voice, a strange voice.. proper.. but something there.. she wasn’t sure if she was picking up a slight twang or just that squeak of a prepubescent boy. Before she could even gather her thoughts an image appeared on the screen ahead of her, while he wasn’t the most attractive man she had ever seen.. in fact he looked a bit short.. he had the most glorious hair she had ever seen and she found herself immediately overcome with the urge to take a selfie with him.
Sure she needed to talk to him about why those fools outside preferred the rotten apples over the perfectly good ones just within reach, heck maybe she could even offer her services in helping to bring those lovely apples to the masses, and what about that damn road? This guy seriously needed some help on how to properly maintain a kingdom.. but first.. she needed a selfie.. this was the most important thing after all.
She approached the curtain in the corner to get this much needed photo opp and immediately heard that voice again.. Don’t look behind the curtain Dorothy, goodness gracious that laugh was dreadful. She of course ignored the annoying voice... she was here for a purpose after all. She flew the curtain back fully prepared to get a look at that hobbit man with great hair.. but, much to her surprise…what she saw was much worse…
There was no man at all.. but a room full of munchkins.. what were those sweet munchkins doing here? She looked around the room in amazement.. it was filled to the brim with the yellow bricks from the road.. so that’s where they went.. upon further examination she say that these yellow bricks were in fact gold.. yes gold.. and no she didn’t know that before. The munchkins were running a mining operation. Melting down the bricks into cell phones and lambos and selling them to the Chinese. They were making a fortune!!
She was confused.. but there had to be an explanation… the munchkins were such good and honorable people. Up on the screen she saw the thing that confused her to her core.. surveillance video of trucks of rotten apples being littered along the road.. they were placed there on purpose it seems… and by the munchkins …But why?
Before she could gather her thoughts she was hit over the head and everything went black. When she came to she was tied to a chair.. distraught and confused she searched the room for answers. In the corner was sitting the same nice munchkin she had met in the woods.. but there was something different about him.. he had an awful smirk on his face and was holding on to a small ring.. whispering something she couldn’t make out. She must be delirious… that’s the only explanation.
Just then the door slammed open and guess who walked in? That pretty witch from the beginning yes! Dorothy felt a sense of relief come over her.. someone here to save her finally. But that witch had that same crazy smirk as the munchkin sitting in the corner.. and the dread hit Dorothy in the gut like a ton of bricks.. it seemed no one was here to save her after all.
After some torture, Dorothy was released.. she was sent back to the beginning, to live with the people fighting over the rotten apples. But, I mean it could have been worse.. she could have stayed in that palace. She spent her days watching cat videos and eating cake.. trying to forget what she had seen.
Because the truth of the matter is that those damn munchkins had distracted everyone with rotten apples while they were raping the place of all its gold.. and that pretty witch? She was the face of course.. directing all visitors to the village where they would follow the masses... Where the townsfolks preferred the rotten apples.. and that wasn’t by accident.
Dorothy had been too ambitious you see.. she wanted to reach the palace when she was never intended to move past the village. She had seen an issue and tried to fix it rather than just joining the insanity of the townsfolk or being like those clever munchkins and lining her pockets while the other chumps were distracted. She was too noble for oz.. she believed in too much good… and in oz, good never beats evil.. its all about who can grab the most gold before the palace comes crashing down.
So why the fake story? Well I don’t know.. who wants to read a story where everyone is dirty and only after the gold? It’s much better to think about singing scarecrows and a simple girl defeating the evil witch. A story where no one is good?.. well that’s no fun.. And what about that laugh? You thought that was the evil witch? Oh no, that was Dorothy’s fairy god mother trying to save her… she was the last one who looked behind the curtain after all.. and we all have seen what that did to her.
Don’t look behind the curtain Dorothy…
You don’t want to know the truth..
and no the shoes didn't work...she's still there with her cat memes
The moral of the story... don't look for the truth unless you can handle it... oh yeah and don't drink too much or you might find yourself in a weird land of oz situation. The more you know...
I have no idea what you just read.. I didn't actually read it myself...I'm not funny or a horror writer so if you made it through this total freewrite of a story.. major props to you!
I herby nominate @amirtheawesome1 because I don't think he has gotten a curie vote this week, @markangeltrueman because his wallpaper needs help and @lordbutterfly because I need my mallet back from him.
Also, for anyone else.. go enter @Comedyopenmic! They are a super fun group who are bringing humor to the blockchain.. you don't even have to be funny to enter.. I think I'm proof of that :P Go! Go! Go do it!
The remaining prizes will be announced in the comment under this post. Please laugh generously.
Round 37 is now under way so remember to put in your entries, upvote our contestants and share the laughs all over steemit and beyond!!
Over 36 weeks we have managed to give away >3000 SBD and 338 Steem (current value of >$3,150USD, at time of posting). So don't forget to keep upvoting @comedyopenmic when you see it. The more upvotes we get, the more we will give away.
@ComedyOpenMic is the Proud Sponsor of @ProjectGiving
@ProjectGiving uses the power of the Steem Blockchain to raise exposure and funds for small scale non-profit initiatives around the world. Click on the banner to learn more about this week's fundraiser for: Yokaenso, a Tanzanian non-profit which seeks to create an ecologically sustainable community.
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner