Comedy Open Mic - Round 41 amd 42 - Winners' post

2년 전

Welcome to a very special edition of "Name that smell" brough to you from the makers of "Shit or chocolate - the ultimate taste test" and "Icecream - Is it secretly good for you?". In this special post we have not one but 2 smells to name. The first hasn't showered in a year, and the other, will make your eyes water at 20 paces.

Genuinely curious about how many people actually read these intros...

Here's what you've all been waiting for... Our Logo:


Thank you to @gnarlyanimations for designing our new logo

Ok, well maybe... geeez tough crowd. Get into the Christmas spirit people!! go get drunk and tell your boss you hate her and her stupid "fun shoe day" thing she forces on you ever 3rd Friday of the month... seriously who does that??!!

This week's nominations for Court Jester are:

and the winner is:
@blewitt: Comedy Open Mic Round #41 ~ The Legend of Shittyfingers

AND THE CROWD GOES MILD!!!

By the way that is the Court Jester for Round 41, there isn't a Court Jester for Round 42. The judges didn't deem any of the entrants to our pageant worthy of having their legs shaved and wearing a chicken costume for @dj123's amusement.

Seriously, anyone bothering to read this drivel? it's a bit ordinary... Here is your round 41 winning post:


https://s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/partiko.io/img/blewitt-comedy-open-mic-round-41--the-legend-of-shittyfingers-seqyehnk-1544773877087.png

Our shop Conquest Comics has been it’s current location for about 7 years, but for the first 2 plus we were just next door in our original smaller spot. This story takes place in the original shop around 2011 and is true.

I remember that day well. I was working by myself and it was a nice spring day. The door was open to allow a sweet breeze to dance throughout the shop to waft away the smell of unwashed virgins. I had some customers trickling in like normal, when a regular kid named Christian and his grandfather popped on in.

Christian had to be around 10 or 11 at this point and boy...was he a pain in the shitter. A nice kid, but he blurted out a million annoying questions each and every time he popped in. I always smiled and answered him as best I could while secretly wishing for him to have a aneurysm or die on the spot of Ankle Cancer.

Christian’s grandpappy always brought him in and this guy was a no nonsense, loveless son of a bitch. His fuse was the shortest I had ever seen and he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode on his grandson. Every. Single. Time.

Ya see, Christian would not only ask me a million stupid questions but he would take 13 & 1/2 years to make up his mind on which overpriced toy he wanted to get on each visit. Grandpappy was having none of that and would yell within minutes of being there, ”CHRISTIAN...LET’S GO!!!” That phrase was uttered at least 15 times when they came in and I was filled with pure glee every time his decaying yapper would scream at his disappointing grandson.

He sounded like the old Grandfather in Christmas Vacation. “They want you to say Grace...The Blessssss-iiiing”. Yeah...that guy. You can feel the years of displeasure emanating through his groggily cracking voice.

I should preface this by adding in that Christian would always reply back to Black Heart Gramps, “But Grandpa, you know it’s hard for me to choose because I have Aspergers”. I don’t know if he did or not but if I were a betting man, I’d say he did. It just made sense.

So on this particular day, I see him bouncing around and practically dancing. Then out came the question. “Can I use your bathroom?” We try to refrain from letting the public use the restrooms. We have a stupid amount of inventory and it’s always a messy tight squeeze to get the the back there but in this day I felt his pain. I have Crohn’s disease so I know what it’s like to be panicked to find a restroom. I said sure and I led him to it and walked back out front to make sure gramps wasn’t dead.

A few minutes later Christian comes out and decided on a toy quickly which I found somewhat odd. Gramps paid for it and they left to go ruin someone else’s day I imagine.

So a few hours pass and because I don’t care about living either and I already downed 44 ounces of tasty delicious Coca-Cola, I find myself having to go drain the main vein. That is when I saw the images that still haunt me to this day.

I opened the bathroom door as my disappointing dick was about to explode with cola piss, when I see just about the most horrific thing imaginable. Poop smears covered everything. On the toilet tank lid. On the handle. Shit is on the damn mirror. It’s on the toilet paper roll. The countertop? You bet. Covered in smeared turd. It’s on the walls in multiple places. The doorknob...doo doo central. Poop is everywhere in my bathroom...except in the fuckin toilet.

This kid was like the Banksy of shit smearing. It also smelled like fresh nugz as well as it had been fermenting for hours. I was truly horrified. I went immediately and called my business partner to let him know the shitty news. Of course, he immediately laughed hysterically...knowing that he was not in today and it would be me to scrub the scat clean.

I remember taking pics and sending it to him to which he told me to fuck off as he wasn’t going to look at them. I still have all my old phones and one day when I go through them, I’ll find the images and post an update with photo evidence to back this shit up.

Long story short...I had to scrub young boy dookie off of everything. There were perfect chocolatey thumb prints that would make CSI’s Gil Grissom proud. I felt like I was destroying evidence. I had to get extra cleaners from my house to get the job done, but I powered through it.

To this day, I have no idea what happened. The only thing I could come up with was that he had an accident in his pants and then pretended he was a blind Bob Ross who wanted to paint happy little trees all over my bathroom, but happened to be fresh out of paint yet was stocked to the max on mushy watery shitlogs in his knickers. That has to be it...nothing else makes sense.

He never ever uttered a peep about it. He comes in a few times a year. Not super often but I’ve probably seen him 20 times since The Poopening and it’s never been mentioned but we both know what happened that sweet Spring afternoon. Blind Bob Ross....

Now Christian has a dirty crustache, emo hair, and his worthless balls definitely dropped as his voice isn’t as high pitched and mind numbing. He has never asked to use my bathroom again which is a good thing as if he did...it would be hard for me to NOT say something about his poop painting session at that point.

Every Spring since, there’s a beautiful day that mimics that fateful afternoon when Christian and his no doubt about it...soon to be dead grandpappy, waltzed into my store to wreak havoc and chaos. It reminds me of a bright day...darkened not by clouds, but by poop. Like the sick kind. The kind that hurts. Mostly runny and if we are being honest with each other, fairly impressive. I’ll always remember The Legend of Shittyfingers...

Blewitt

The following above is true. From the poop story to my my disappointing manhood. I nominate @redrica & @meno to make us laugh...or cry...just do something guys.


See now that's how you do comedy... Talk about Poop, who doesn't love poop. This guy clearly knows how to post shit, unlike the bafoon writing this post. Oh well, at least some of it is good.

The remaining prizes will be announced in the comment under this post. Please laugh generously.

Come say "Hi" to the judges or get tips on improving or just chat with other contestants. We have opened up a ComedyOpenMic discord channel, Click Here. Don't be shy, come say "hi".

Round 41 is now under way so remember to put in your entries, upvote our contestants and share the laughs all over steemit and beyond!!

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Round 41 :

Top 15 weirdos: - 3 Steem each, for being our kind of weird.

  1. @spunkpuppet: Comedy Open Mic Round 41 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 86 - Twenty Questions?
  2. @mineopoly: Stickman Working Dad (COM 41)
  3. @quillfire: "My First Date On Tinder" ... Writing Prompts Contest (Week 2) + ComedyOpen Mic #41
  4. @filotasriza3: The Bus Lunatics I Meet Daily! (Comedy Open Mic 41)
  5. @steemonkey: The Party - Comedy Open Mic round 41
  6. @emsonic: My Daughter doesn't wanna talk with me :O | Comedy Open Mic Round #41
  7. @belemo: Dealing with Grumps: Comedyopenmic 41
  8. @lordbutterfly: Project Milkbox Playlist Challenge| Entry // COM #41
  9. @brandt: MARCH OF THE ARMY ANTS — Comedy Open Mic Round 41
  10. @improv: Oncoming Winter Holiday Virus -5minutefreewrite (x3) Comedy Open Mic Round 41 -nuanced vocal work with imperfect mic.
  11. @doctorcrypto: Wayne Greyson bringing some much needed Entertainment COM 41
  12. @lucylin: Busted!!... Psychology behind 'Why the left can't meme'...and bra straps...comedyopenmic #41 or #42...whatever..
  13. @dirtydave: Cars and Women.... more similar than you might think
  14. @sharanaithal: Rap Of The Century • Comedy Open Mic #41(1)
  15. @aiskelzurita: Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest - Round 41

Duplicate winners in Top 15

Lucky Moar Prize: 2 Steem, because 1 is never enough.

Stay calm, and laugh til you shit yourselves. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

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Double rainbow all the way across the sky!

Posted using Partiko Android

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Round 42:

Top 15 bums: - 3 Steem each, for being behind.

  1. @belemo: Ox Blooded: Comedyopenmic 42
  2. @spunkpuppet: Comedy Open Mic Round 42 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 92 - I've Spotted A Downward Trend.
  3. @doomsdaychassis: Happy 1 year aniversary @belemo and dating advice. COM #42
  4. @ddaily: Comedy Improv at SteemFest³
  5. @lucylin: The Berlin Bunker Steemit rave...part 1...who's after the keys...? ..and comedyopenmic #42 (if I can wangle it)
  6. @doctorcrypto: Holiday Steem Cooking Show: Comedy Open Mic #42
  7. @emsonic: If my life was a sitcom | Comedy Open Mic Round #42
  8. @disguarpe: Comedy Open Mic. Round # 42
  9. @quillfire: "Free Quilly" Petition ... Entry in the 'Concoct-A-Verb Contest' & 'ComedyOpenMic #42'
  10. @sisygoboom: The Cockblock - ComedyOpenMic Round 42
  11. @lucylin: A warning to everyone over the Christmas period...Partying and Flatulence....comedyopenmic #42 ish.
  12. @filotasriza3: Conversations With Real Professors (Comedy Open Mic 42)
  13. @dandays: So You Thought You Were Cool Huh? Comedy Open Mic - Round 42
  14. @mineopoly: Keep Posting Shit Challenge Day 2 - It Just doesn't matter (COM 42
  15. @brandt: Self-Portrait No. 5 — MY PROCESS. — Not that it matters, — but HERE IS MY PROCESS. — I don't care if you wanted to know about it or not. — THIS IS MY PROCESS. AND SO NOW BEHOLD. — Comedy Open Mic Round 42

Duplicate winners in Top 15

Lucky Floor Prize: 2 Steem, for letting us walk all over you

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Ya’all are the best! See you again soon. Ps, I read the intro.

EB1F15DD-5D3B-4F01-8840-F71AC3A3FC0B.jpeg

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Well thank you. Always a humbling experience to be a useful doormat. ;D

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....it does give you a reassuring sense of 'knowing your place', doesn't it? lol

I read the intros, but not until weeks later.

@comedyopenmic,
Congratz to all the winners of this round!

Cheers~

I always read your intro closely..
Not that I give a shite about what you have to say as such, god no.

Just on the off chance there's some new rule or other that I need to ignore..

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The judges didn't deem any of the entrants to our pageant worthy of having their legs shaved and wearing a chicken costume

... and I could have done with a free leg shave...I have real chickens to go with the costume too...

Nice one @blewitt. I seeing that what I thought was a downside to having toilets in a business that the public can use, can actually be an upside. Why is shit so funny?

Posted using Partiko Android

Hi @comedyopenmic!

Your post was upvoted by @steem-ua, new Steem dApp, using UserAuthority for algorithmic post curation!
Your UA account score is currently 5.801 which ranks you at #392 across all Steem accounts.
Your rank has dropped 3 places in the last three days (old rank 389).

In our last Algorithmic Curation Round, consisting of 195 contributions, your post is ranked at #109.

Evaluation of your UA score:
  • You've built up a nice network.
  • The readers like your work!
  • You have already shown user engagement, try to improve it further.

Feel free to join our @steem-ua Discord server

I'm in the top 15, thanks to #comedyopenmic for that award.

Oh yeah, Won me some imaginary internet monies. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss