Comedy Open Mic. Round 17: Welcome to Texas; Where Rape Has Always Been illegal

2년 전

Being a pseudo-intellectual is hard work in the information age. Back in the old days you just dogeared a shitload of pages on some Nietzsche, left it lying around the house, and kept a few Bukowski quotes in your back pocket to shoehorn into conversations, confident you wouldn’t be called out because nobody else read that shit either. Up until recently, my go-to was tossing out casual Steve Jobs facts. Everyone loves Steve Jobs, but not enough to actually know anything about him. Plus he wore a turtleneck, so that makes me look smart. Ashton Kutcher and the Samsung Galaxy killed that golden goose but its OK. This ain’t my first rodeo.

Now you have to keep up with the outrage of the week and feel out the room for which side of the Israel/ Palestine conflict you support. I was watching TED Talks this morning, looking for soundbites to regurgitate at parties. I was trying to understand morbidly obese women shaming society for not having sex with them while their Tinder profiles insist all men make six figures, be over six feet tall, and have chiseled abs so that I could agree with them to prove how "woke" I am.

Then I ran across this video of two girls talking about how rape culture has to end.

There were two thoughts going through my head:

  1. The girl on the right doesn’t have anything to worry about.
  2. Have I been living under a rock?

I’ve heard about rape culture before, but much like the existence of hipsters; I thought it was just an internet joke until I saw enough evidence to realize this is a real problem. The video takes place in England. After doing some research it seems that rape culture is most prevalent in New York, California, (apparently) England, and seems to be worst around college campuses, construction sites, and Harvey Weinstein. According to the video, you can stop Harvey Weinstein rape by tweeting the magic hashtag TIMESUP. For the rest of the rape, we need to educate boys that it’s not ok.

I have another solution: Move to Texas!

While we aren’t exactly famous for our progressive policies regarding the well-being of women, as far as I know, rape has always been illegal here. Not only that, but rape is universally agreed upon to be the worst thing one person can do to another outside of straight up murder. Not only does Texas execute more people than the entire rest of the country but we have legal loopholes that let you kill people yourself, like if they break into your house, or look at you funny. There are absolutely no exceptions granted, legally or morally, that say it's ok to rape someone, no matter what they are wearing. So we are actually more ok with killing people than raping them.

Rapes do happen in Texas but even the rapists know it is wrong. I’ve never seen a Facebook status that says.

Fake iPhone Text Generator iOS

This is a true story: When I was in my early twenties i was having a party. Now, you might not believe it but I wasn't always the law abiding citizen I am now. Without exception, everyone at the party was a criminal. We had thieves, drug dealers, drug addicts, violent criminals, and one guy who cheated on his taxes. One of the girls there said a guy we all knew date raped her the other evening. Just so happened that guy showed up a few hours later. Up until this point we were all friends with him. He got his ass whooped to the point that he jumped out a window to escape. It was a one-story house so it wasn't too dramatic but I'm pretty sure his ankle hurt really bad when he landed. Not too much longer the police showed up asking about an assault that had just taken place. This was a fairly small town so the cops were on a first name basis with everyone in the room for all the wrong reasons.

Here's how the converation went:

Cops: "We have a report of an assault."

Criminals: "Dude raped a chick."

Cops: "It appears we do not have enough evidence to investigate this assault. Have a nice day."

So come on down to Texas, where the only rape culture is in the Catholic church...but that’s a worldwide problem...and almost exclusively for boys.

I nominate @direwolf and @demonsthenes to join the contest.

Sources, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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So come on down to Texas, where the only rape culture is in the Catholic church...but that’s a worldwide problem...and almost exclusively for boys.

Why must you make me laugh about such a serious topic?

And now you’ve invited all the Yankees (not the sports team) to move here. Are you sure that’s a good move?

And what’s going to happen if we’re innundated with Californians?

Have you thought this through with your pseudo-intellectual mind?

And finally, how many hours of searching was required to stumble across “The Grapist” - truly inspired find.

Wasn’t born here but got here as fast as I could.
Naturalized Texan
~T

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I've had that grapist video in my back pocket next to my Bukowski quotes for years, waiting for an excuse to use it. I know plenty of Yanks that have moved to Texas. They get naturalized pretty quick after their first BBQ. Besides, we have tons of room in West Texas.

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I suppose that's true. So your next post will be extolling the virtues of West Texas right?

Ode to Abilene, Amarillo and El Paso - or something like that?

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I lived in and around Amarillo a few times. About the best thing I can say about it is that it isn't El Paso.

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It was actually Kafka for me. I got through most of his work and was finally like, "This isn't deep or insightful. This is fucking stupid."

The more I re-read this blog the more I realize I should have broken this into a pseudo-intellectual post and a rape post. Instead I have two half posts smooshed together. Oh well. I was in a rush because I was writing it right before it was time to leave for my slam poetry session and I couldn't find my beret.

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You do Slam poetry???? AWWWWWEEEEEEEEE!!! <3

God bless Texas.

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Amen

Now

  • dogs and pigs come up with Bukowski quotes without even knowing him.
  • drug dealers, drug addicts are not criminals. The guy evading taxes was NOT a criminal for sure. Come on, in Italy who do you believe still pay entirely taxes???
  • cops were completely right to walk away
    I got sinusitis and my head hurts for it, but you still made me laugh, funny fucker.
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Buying and selling drugs does not make a person a criminal, depending on the drugs. These guys were definitely criminals. Not that I cared. They were my friends and roommates. We all criminaled together.

I'm glad I gave you a laugh. Sorry it hurt your head. Sinus problems suck.

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You inspired me!!! And I made an entry too (which won't be as funny as your, because I'm a girl and girls are always less funny.
One tries!

I love your take on pseudo-intellectualism, plus I had no idea that you could kill someone for looking at you funny in the Lone Star state! I'll be sure to not stare at anyone cockeyed when I visit there! Ha!

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You'll be fine as long as you aren't wearing a hoodie.

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Damnit, I love hoodies.

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Also, avoid schools and churches. We might be a rape-free zone, but they shootin' errybody up in here.

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They ain't JUST shootin', homeboy!


Gotta make that a post but I'd miss my flight 🤣

LOL at the Steve Job's quote.

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I wish I could take credit for that piece of poetry. It touched me...deeply.

As a follower of @followforupvotes this post has been randomly selected and upvoted! Enjoy your upvote and have a great day!

Hey Mate,

can you please nominate 2 people?

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I knew I forgot something. Hopefully I have two friends who haven't already been nominated.

edit: ok. done.

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Thank you :)

Well, it's illegal if you don't play football.

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That would be Pennsylvania.

There goes my plans to rape my way across Texas, and I thought you guys were liberal😂

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According to the Michelin Guide, Montana has many four-star rape destinations. Plus it's closer to your neck of the woods.