Comedy Open Mic. Round # 26: Fun Facts About Animal Mating Habits: Rape, Pissing, and Penis Fencing

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My Aunt once told me, because animals don’t engage in homosexuality, that proves it is unnatural. It takes one look at the naked mole rat to realize two things.

  1. God does make mistakes.
  2. “Natural” isn’t always the best.

My aunt would be horrified to know that not only are animals gay as fuck, but if the sound of nature had a band name it would be a speed death metal band called: Fuck Murder Rape.

Dolphins

Professors in Australia discovered that dolphins “...engage in extensive bisexuality, combined with periods of exclusive homosexuality.” You might think that means dolphins are “woke” but that would be like giving Andy Dick a pat on the back for being “open minded”.

Dolphins have long retractable penises that can be used to grab things or feel around with. Scientists have observed dolphins wrapping their dicks around eels to masturbate. Flipper and friends are famous for gang raping female dolphins or each other’s blowholes if they get drunk and can’t find any pussy by the end of the night. The internet is full of videos of helpless vacationers getting dry humped by randy cetaceans… or I guess that would technically be wet humping. Gangs of asshole dolphins have also been seen sexually terrorizing helpless sea turtles.

Some scientists say animals cannot commit rape because that would imply a sense of morality, which animals do not possess. Instead, we should refer to these incidents as “Forced copulation.” I don’t think a 400 year old Galapagos turtle getting used as a pocket pussy would agree with that sentiment. Also, if you ever hear someone say “It's not technically rape” don’t ever invite them to your house.

Flatworms

If you google dolphin sex, (which is now in my search history) you’ll mostly find articles about rape. If you google Pseudobiceros hancockanus sex, every article will include the phrase “Penis Fencing.” Can we stop for a second and marvel that the flatworm's Latin name has the word "cockanus" in it? Flatworms are hermaphrodites. When it comes time to mate two flatworms will whip their pointy (or sometimes hooked) cocks out and have a swordfight. The first worm to score a hit will inject the other with its sperm, forcing it to become the female. The winner will then swim away and hide from having to pay child support.

Porcupines

Camping out on the side of a mountain and watching the sunrise is 100% effective for making you marvel at the beauty and complexity of the universe. Watching porcupines mate will destroy that part of your soul faster than a bad case of chlamydia. Female porcupines are only in heat for twelve to eighteen hours a year so by the time she’s finally ready to bump uglies, sexually frustrated males are long passed thinking about their dream girl and have gone full on R Kelly.

The female will spray her little corner of the forest with a mixture of piss and vaginal mucus to let the boys know she’s ready to party. Males follow the sweet sweet smell of poontang for miles only to find themselves at a giant porcupine sausage party. After the males all beat the shit out of each other the victor will have to pass one more test. The porcubro unleashes a typhoon of piss up to six feet away, drenching his beloved. Of course, all the losers aren’t giving up yet so they start pissing too, turning the scene into some kind of spiky German fetish bukkake golden shower video. If the female is impressed she will allow herself to be mounted. All that freaky water play has gotten her hot and bothered so she fucks the shit out of the porcupine with the dankest musk until he is exhausted. If he can’t hang until she’s done with him she’ll toss him aside and get the party started again until the insatiable fire of her lust has been extinguished by steamy hunk porcupine fire hoses.

I nominate @Janton to compete in comedyopenmic and @thewisesloth

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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Brilliant, again, as always. Well researched, hilarious fucking fun. I remember watching a doc about gay animals, deep sea squid crawl around the bottom of the ocean and fuck any other squid they meet, because they don't know when they'll meet another squid again. It's not gay if your just fucking out of desperate loneliness, right?

Good luck in the contest.

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As I've been told, it's not gay as long as you cry the whole time.

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That is a gnarly looking wasp. I'd burn the house down just to make sure I got all of them.

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hahaha! oh man sir themadgoat..this is something else. Not sure what to call it but I was forced to laugh through the whole thing. Very educational and interesting but at the same time freaking hilarious, you are truly gifted, this platform is perfect for you!
thanks for the nomination but it might be awhile before I tackle something worthy of the openmic competition, I don't really think I'm in that league. lol.

Wow. Animals are weird. Today I feel a little better about being human.

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Stay tuned cause I have more on the way. I had only planned on doing one post but as I was researching more and more stuff kept coming up. It turns out nature is just a bunch of filthy animals.

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Your research has conclusively solved the mystery of why the beautiful Unicorn is no longer with us.

Turns out aggressive, hormonally charged creativity isn't good for the survival of your species when you've got a 3 foot, sharp, magical butt plug protruding from your forehead.
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Funny and informative! Well done

the lgbt wing of the animal kingdom is bossing their world. why dont the human counterparts ask for their help?

Hi themadgoat,

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