Snake eyes and the rain

작년

Like clockwork I woke up crying and feeling angry. I just had another nightmare and just like the others it was so vivid that it felt I was there.

I have been writing down these nightmares and my posts all consists of these pieces of my life.

Let us begin then recording it.

It started with me walking a dirt path. One that you would see in any barrio in the province. It felt it was after an event because there were other people walking and they turn to smile and say hello to me. I stop and do some small talk with them but continued walking after awhile.

I remember it began to rain and like a child I held up my hand to savor the cool feel of the raindrops hitting my skin.

Then my mother walks beside me and I remember asking her how her day was. She said she was happy to be teaching again. She was teaching preschool kids English in a nearby school. I was listening to her talk about the kids when she told me to get out of the rain and join her under her umbrella. I said I'm okay and found myself opening my own umbrella. I remember seeing my umbrella was bent in one side. One of the spokes was broken like an umbrella I have here in my house.

We were talking as we were crossing a bridge. Yeah from a dirt road to a bridge I know it doesn't make sense right. I noticed that the sides of the bridge seemed unfinished. Then my mother seemed distracted suddenly and the world went slow motion as she fell.

I remember trying to reach her but as time was excruciatingly slow I couldn't catch her and saw her plummet down the river.

I was crying and feeling helpless. Then a significant person came out of a taxi. I know a taxi in this place! She was running towards the river to save my mother and she jumped in.

There were other people in the river already and then I saw them fish out my brother. I remember seeing him wearing these white shoes. It looked like Adidas canvas shoes like the ones I like wearing. It was white with green lines.

He was alive though and was coughing up water. Then another group of people emerged from the river carrying my mother. She is alive as well. I was crying.

Then a break in this scene as I saw someone else. In the dream he was another brother but in real life I don't have one. What was significant here was his eyes.

He had Snake eyes. It was color yellow and narrow black pupils. He looked at me with such hate.

He killed himself in that same river. Yet in the dream he was very much alive, living on the bottom of the river, hidden.

I remember feeling a force from my body tear open a space in the fabric of reality and it pierced his hide out. I grabbed him and pulled him out.

I remember him telling me how much he hated me and resented me for the person I am today.

Then I am back at the previous scene and I walk towards my brother (the real one) and I remember punching him in the face, yelling how could he do that.

I was crying and feeling angry and then I woke up crying and feeling angry while I type these words.

Wakefulness gives certain perspective. I think the other brother was me. It was me looking at me with hateful eyes like a snake. The hot stare of those yellow eyes and the blackest narrow slit pupils. The hate and resentment.

I don't know what my dreams are trying to tell me.

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Hey Mave, I'm happy to see a post from you because I often wonder how you are, but on the other hand your post also makes me sad to see you're still dealing with so much.

I'm not sure what your dream is telling you, but I think you should follow your own heart and trust your instincts in what it's trying to tell you. That's not much advice is it haha It's the long way of saying I don't know!😊 But I do know that I'm sorry and I wish I could just give you a big hug ❤️

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Hi Lynn! Yes I am still here somehow and dealing with a lot of stuff.

Still not working though and that makes me sad as well.

I was thinking that it was an inner me telling myself that I need a punch in the face.

You dropping by means the world to me

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Tell the inner you not to punch too hard and ruin that cute mug :)

I always keep my eye out for you, and think of you often. Forever sending big hugs my friend <3

I am so glad I'm not the only one who dreams like that. I'm not great at dream interpretation. I think your assessment is on track. I can see how a 'younger' version of yourself could look at you that way. Think of what your dreams were back then and where you are now.

One could say the water is your emotions and that you're sensing your family being caught up in them. Which is only natural from what you have been living with. Yet, they come out ok. Everything will be ok.

The taxi brings the person who will help heal, is the only thing I can get from it. Maybe a therapist, family counselor or family member?

I'm glad you're still with us. I have been worried about you. It stinks knowing someone is hurting and you have no idea what is going on. Please don't forget, even though I am pretty much a complete stranger. You do have people that will listen to you and not judge you for your thoughts. I fight that battle everyday.

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Thank you so much it seems that strangers give more insight.

I like what you thought about the water being my emotions and how my family caught up by it emerge okay. It has always been a worry of mine that it would be difficult for them. I have been battling my demons for decades and as much as I love my family I didn't want to involve them because they have problems of their own and so I have always tried to managed myself.

To be honest I really hate the me that I am now. I had so many dreams and at one point seemed to be able to fulfill everything when it happened and I went back to my shell and retreated from society. I became afraid and have not left the house and although I'm trying I can't find a steady job or have the confidence like I used to have.