Another Dream state

작년

My Steem account has turned to a place to record my dreams. I keep a dream journal besides my bed and write as soon as I can any details that I can remember but sometimes I go directly to Steem while it is fresh and then transcribe it to the journal afterwards.

I woke up because the dogs were barking and I noticed that my cheeks were wet. I felt my eyes and they were moist and felt raw.

It seems I was crying in my sleep. I felt some pain and needed to have it released. I tried hard to remember specific details but at first nothing came to mind.

It took some effort but eventually the scenarios slowly started filling in.

I was in an office. I was talking to someone, I could not remember if it was male or female. All I could remember was the voice was soothing as we talked about my life and triggers.

It was important to do that as it was a vital step to my healing. I was opening up to this person. Things that I locked inside my heart. Things like what I wrote her about my suicide ideation, my dreams and a lot of regrets. I lived a lie where I said I will be the person that will live my life without regrets and to a certain point it was like that but the tipping point was my regret. I second guess myself now because of that event. The day that I felt betrayed. How my words imploring for kindness was met with apathy and silence.

It changed me and I catch myself blaming me for what happened. I could have done better.

One the takeaways of that session that it was time to forgive myself, to not feel that I am worthless.

I woke up then because of the dogs and when I picked my phone and checked LinkedIn it seems that a recent post I had about employee happiness is tied to making the workplace safe and without fear of reprisal if feedback is given.

It was the root of my perceived betrayal. I posted it about yesterday and now when I work up the first person that liked it was my former boss who I felt betrayed me a bit. I somehow did not remove her in LinkedIn in like I removed her form my social media accounts.

I removed everyone from there. I wanted to remove my memory of that place except the people that I still consider my friends there.

I was surprised.

I will have a new doctor and I will be meeting her next week. It will be a whole new session and so I'm excited but nervous in the same time.

I am hoping we will have a good session.

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Mav, Always good to see your name in my feed. Takes some big bollocks to keep fighting on after all you've been through so big respect bro.

Good luck with the new doc and keep up with the dream diary. I look forward to the dreams with the hot girls in ;-)

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Thanks Nathan. It has been a hard battle but I'm still here.

I'm feeling a bit better these days and although I cried in my sleep I felt a good when I woke up as if a weight has been lifted when I thought of forgiving myself.

Hey, @maverickinvictus.

One the takeaways of that session that it was time to forgive myself, to not feel that I am worthless.

I like this takeaway. It's good.

There's a certain amount of control we have. The rest is up to others, and despite our efforts, they will do what they will do, and often for reasons we may never know, and ones that may have changed the way we perceive things ourselves. Or maybe not, since that is ours to control.

I'm hoping the new doctor is helpful. Onward and upward.

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Hi Glen!

Yeah I think it was my subconscious trying to tell me that I have been too hard on myself and it's okay to forgive me. That I am worth the love and forgiveness.

I agree as well we have a lot of things in our control and while we may not be able to control the actions and ideas of other people but we can control how we respond to it.

I'm hoping that the new doctor will be nice :)

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That would be good. :)

The more I go along, the more I'm getting that life seems to be a serious of footsteps, and while some definitely take us forward, others take us back. In some cases, it's which way are we leaning, or trying to lean, that is the most important. :)