Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It! #187

5년 전

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

Will you join us in hearing how we walk through our pit of despair without totally losing it because this may be helpful for each of us to remember the next time we get overcome with a wave of fear, anger, anxiety, frustration, misery or depression, whatever it is. This might make it a little easier.

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I know for me it's helped me a lot to hear what others of us do going through these challenging times. First, it helps me to be detailed because when we communicate the details, then we can picture the situation more clearly.

Thank you for reading about day 187 of Happier People Podcast and I hope you enjoy it!

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

Here are the details of my situation. I find sharing the exact details helps much more then generic references like "it was difficult" or "I was frustrated" because these can be hard to relate to. I went through through the pit of despair, the dark corridor last week for about 24 hours. Here's what happened as I originally recorded it 24 hours afterwards and then got it transcribed and edited here!

Last week I had been working on an event for Steem I was very excited about for about a week. We made the announcement post for it and there was a lot of initial excitement and good response.

24 hours after that, I wake up and see messages on my phone, missed calls, messages on Skype using words like "disappointed, frustrated," etc. I went online on the Steem post to find the words "frustration, disappointed, etc." were posted there frequently and I triggered off at that point.

I triggered into my own fear, anger, my own guilt and shame. I began the walk through the dark corridor of despair.

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

I tried to negotiate.

I tried to just make things better.

I tried to control the other person by basically getting them to stop.

I tried to be agreeable and edit my post and the name of my event, and none of that modified how I felt.

I shared about it with everyone who would listen. I went to my massage therapist. I talked all about it with her, I talked about it with the girl at the front desk, I talked about it with the business owner of the massage place, and I talked about it with my wife.

I talked about it with my mother, I prayed about it and after all of that I cried about it, I got mad about it, I plotted revenge, I thought of the amazing posts I could write, I thought of ways I could attack back, I prayed to try to be nice.

I went to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and listened to two people talk about their experience drinking. I did everything I knew how to do to try to feel better, and the result was by the time I went to bed my mind was still racing.

I was still miserable.

I laid in bed for two or three hours without falling asleep after already being exhausted.

Thank God, I nodded off for a little bit at one point.

I then woke up at around 3:00 in the morning and laid in bed for most of five hours again in the torture chamber of my mind plotting revenge, thinking about, "I'll show them this. I'll do that. I'll do that."

I prayed, "God please, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want all these thoughts. I want to go to sleep. I want to be nice. I want to be kind. I want to remember who I am."

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

Then, I woke up the next morning just exhausted because most nights I get good sleep and that last night is an exception.

I woke up just exhausted wondering how I'd get through the day and what I found was a motivation to talk about this, to say, "Look, I just got through a deep pit of despair last night and I'm here and I haven't hurt myself, I haven't hurt anyone else, I haven't gone through with any of my amazing revenge plans and I don't plan on doing it."

I've learned a few things that I hope are helpful to talk about because all of us go through this no matter how successful or a failure we are, no matter how young or old we are. It seems that our children handle that better.

My daughter is two and a half years old and she seems to go through these things very quickly, in a few minutes with high intensity.

Now, a lot of us as adults tend to take longer times to go through them, which to me seems like more of a walk in hell than a few minutes of crying.

I've learned a few things from going through this last night, which the last 24 hours have been a lot better than it used to be.

Here's what it used to look like.

A couple of years ago, I would be mad for a week about things like this. I would often have done much more than send a few replies and try to be nice and understanding.

I often fought back.

I would often make threats.

I would often go through with revenge schemes.

I would often take things out indirectly when, for example, I'd get mad at someone online then I'd yell at my dog or I'd be inconsiderate with my wife.

Yesterday, I can say I did a mostly good job with that.

I was just so upset, my daughter being close to me ended up feeling the same way.

I'm not sure if that was a result of me or not.

When we are so selfish, we think everything else that happens is our fault and our responsibility. I've learned that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. If you don't like something I did, that's your responsibility.

Now, of course, it’s in my best interest to be aware of what impact my behavior has on others. I've learned it's my feelings that I am a hundred percent responsible for. I am not responsible for the feelings of another person who was angry or afraid because of something they think I did.

I am NOT responsible for someone else judging me as having done something wrong. What I am responsible for are my own feelings of being wrong, my own feelings of judgment and criticism on myself, and I can't fix these things alone, I need help.

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

Thank God one of the things that helped me fall asleep, a strategy that I hope is useful for you, and especially me for the next time this happens, if there is a next time, because this strategy helped me finally to fall asleep after hours in the mental torture chamber.

I started thinking at probably 1 or 2 a.m. of all the other people in a similar situation.

I started thinking of the other people laying in hospital beds agonizing over an outcome in their life.

I started thinking of all the mothers and fathers in bed worried about their children, angry and afraid.

I'm not sure if I thought of it exactly that way, but I'm putting it as best as I can.

I thought about tmy friends who told me about things they're going through.

I thought about one friend going through health issues and relationship issues.

I thought of another friend who recently went through a horrible ordeal in the hospital in the ICU unit.

I thought of another friend who just lost her partner.

I thought of another friend.

Well, I'm thinking of them now.

He's been having a lot of back pain lately and that's been pushing him to his limit.

I thought of all the people around the world laying in bed tossing and turning wishing to fall asleep, praying to God or cursing God for being in that situation, and I didn't feel alone anymore.

I felt in good company actually because the company for things like that is amazing. When we're in a state like that we're in great company.

There are presidents, there are celebrities, there are our janitors or cleaning people, there are our farmers, there's every kind of person we can imagine in that state at about all times.

Every day someone is going through that dark corridor, fear and misery, and we're lucky if we're not going through that every day.

A lot of us on this planet are going through that every day. That's almost all, a lot of us know anymore, and I'm grateful that most days, I don't go through that now.

I used to try to numb my pain a lot with things like drinking, and then other behaviors like video games to escape the pain. I used to live in a lot of that pain on a normal daily basis.

Thank God, I reach out and connect with other people, and it takes other people loving us because for some reason we are horribly critical on ourselves, and yet for most of us it's relatively easy to love another person.

It's easy for me to look at my wife and see that whatever she's agonizing over is not a big deal to me, and yet she can do the same thing with me. She can look at me and see that there are things I'm able to learn out of what I'm struggling with, and then it's not all bad.

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

What I do that also helps me walk through the despair faster, I think of it like being born.

Now, a lot of us don't consciously remember being born, however, we can imagine it relatively easily. Being born does not sound pleasant. We go from being in a completely, hopefully, protected space without any responsibilities or anything to do. You might argue complete freedom to relax and not have to do anything.

We then get pushed out or taken out through some kind of surgery in a very traumatic process either by being squeezed through relatively small space or being yanked out into the world.

We go from that not even having to breathe, we go from that out into this world all of a sudden that's bright, that's cold, that's alien from what we've known for the last nine months. Being born, one might say, is a most unpleasant process. That's why most babies come into this world crying.

My daughter certainly did, once she got out of the womb she started crying. It's unpleasant being born and yet we enter into an entirely new universe when we've been born.

We have completely new freedoms and opportunities when we've been born.

We are powerless to do almost anything while we are in our mother's womb. Once we come out as a baby, we're able to look around and see the world around us. We can make some sounds, we can try and grab things with our hands, we can then learn and interact and grow.

We get born into an entirely new world and this process while often painful is what we go through in order to grow. What I've noticed is that a lot of my painful walks down the dark corridor are amazing growth opportunities. These are the times where I'm becoming a better and better person.

When I am in the middle of it I consciously realize I'm being born right now, I'm being born into a better person, I'm being crafted, like a blacksmith's iron I'm being thrust into the fire now, I'm being burned with the pain of reshaping into what I need to be, to be of service in this world.

The process can be painful, but the more I'm consciously aware that that's the process I'm going through, I realize how quickly it passes. When we look at our lives, the process of birth is fairly quick, and yet all the rewards, all the opportunities and the growth we experienced from birth last a really long time.

Again, when I see it this way, it helps me a lot to say, "You know what? I'm being born right now. This too shall pass quickly."

Now, I ended up laying right on this couch last night praying to God, "Please! Please! I just want to sleep."

One thing that helps me walk through the corridor of despair is to take brief moments to just rest and relax, even if it's a couple of seconds to notice, "Oh, for two seconds there were no thoughts of revenge, there were no plots, there were no judgment or attack thoughts!"

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

For two seconds there were no thoughts.

Thank God. What a relief!

"Oh, there's five seconds, I made it laying on this couch without criticizing anyone, without running the story through my mind."

It comes down often to just appreciating those little moments where it didn't suck like, “Okay. Thank you God, for allowing me to appreciate my wife laying next to me in bed for five seconds. Thank you. That's a lot better than nothing.”

Sometimes when we reach out and pray we get immediate answers like, "God please, please, if you're real show me you're here."

I have a thought.

What was the thought?

It was something about my wife like, "Am I not next to you now?'' or something like that. I looked over and I see my wife and for five or ten seconds I just was grateful and appreciated.

"Thank God, my wife's here. Thank God, my daughter's here. Yes, for this moment it is enough."

Then, immediately the ocean of thoughts comes in.

"You know what? I'm going to write this post, I'm going to show that… I'm going to tear... I'm going to... I'm going to... I'm going to... Oh, God. Here we go again. It's been 10 more seconds. Please help!"

When I know other people go through the same thin,g it makes it not so serious.

"You know what? I'm not the only one going through this."

That's why I've made this, to share with you, because it helps to learn and get a hold of these things before it happens. When next time, when you pray, when you're in the middle of criticizing and tearing someone down, maybe it's me.

Walking Through Our Pit of Despair Without Totally Losing It!

Maybe you're writing a post.

"I'm going to show him that's no good!"

You might remember, "Oh. He goes through this too. Okay, maybe I don't have to write that post. I had that thought, but maybe I don't have to go all the way with it and write that post."

It definitely makes it better to not go through with the actions. The thoughts are one thing, we often are powerless over the thoughts, but the more we take action on our thoughts, the more it gets worse.

Thank you.

I appreciate you joining me here on day 187 of Happier People Podcast.

I love you.

You're awesome and I hope this helps.

Final words

Thank you for reading this post, which was originally filmed as the video below.

If you found this post helpful on Steem, would you please upvote it and follow me because you will then be able to see more posts like this in your home feed?


Jerry Banfield with edits by @gmichelbkk on the transcript from @deniskj

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love the post...followed and resteemed

Great post....

the post is amazing @jerrybanfield I really like it and make me amazed and want to make new content interesting. and I can definitely be like you too.

Im so sorry to hear how bad things got there for a minute. Talking about it in detail is a real life saver for most of us. I had my own bad patch this week.Keep strong

the post is amazing @jerrybanfield I really like and amazed with your contens, I do not know if I can afford you.

As I was upvoting you... I got some pretty freaky numbers here mr.Banfield... =)

Thanks Jerry, this was useful for me today!

I am happy that you got out of that chamber of despair. I saw the event and I saw some of the mean, not nice comments. And I wanted to attack the person for attacking you. But I know that would have just caused more backlash, so I got up fro my computer and when to pray. I realize that people who are nasty to others feel bad about themelves. And they want to get rid of their misery by throwing it onto someone. I am learning that when people are mean, it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with them. Just like you said -you could have come back swinging but you chose not to and you chose to deal with it in your own way and find peace with it. And for that you have grown, become wiser. But the person who was mean remain in their meanness and sinking deeper into despair and don't even know it. Thank you so much for sharing Jerry and I am happy you are feeling better.

First off when I saw the your header pic I was happy to see your smile! Now as read through the whole post I saw myself in the same space of dispair last night looking at the stars in wonder yet holding the pain of the egoic flights of the same emotions about the loss of the past that I've experienced, yet only later did I equate my past pain to others that experience that same pain dance just to a different song, so to speak. You have, using your vulnerability as a strength articulated that yours, mine and the person half way around this realm feel, and can transcend through allowing the mud to settle in the waters of our tears to finally see clearly, without the supposed blamed causes clouding the empathic way of gratefulness.
Much appreciation to you and this very clear post

Wow... what a post....I'm silenced and humble. You're an inspiration for many people daring to write as vulnerable as you do. I can relate to many of the things you write. I have quite a history myself when it comes to reacting to people or at situations in private and in business. At one point it almost costed me our marriage. To busy with the wrong things and aproaching them in the wrong manner. I always thought it was part of my character... But recently (1,5 years ago) I found out, with help of a phsygologist that much of my behaviour and the way I handle things could be traced back to things that happend (or didn't happend) in my youth. I took me a long time to realize that.... Still I have some problems with that. But I am able to put things in perspective now and to manage things in a different way which helps me and others around me.

Sometimes when I am down I just think like you said, there are so many people in the world that have different, more worse issues and problems than I have...It doesn't comfort me, but it does put again things in perspective...

When my kids are nervous for something (they are 12 and 14) I alwas tell them "Don't worry, I will all be behind you 24 hours from now and there is nothing you have to do for that" it's to easy, but it works...

I would love to discuss this some more, but for now thank you for this humble and inspirational post..


@jerrybanfield my friend thanks for your post. keep it up and good luck to you!

Post is very useful for all friends, hope we all inspired, thank you very much @ jerrybanfield

You know that your family is the only thing that counts, at the end of the day. You have them, and, its the only thing that matters. Everything and everyone will come and go, only they are always there for you

Wow,this is beautiful and inspirational ,great work.

I feel like I just got finished reading through a novel. Good on you for not succumbing to the urges of revenge. I frequently go through waves of feeling like someone has that hold over me, the one that makes you feel like screaming, " do you not know who I am and what I'm capable of?!" But not being that person can take a lot of work. I used to meditate, it was easy for me though because I grew up in the country. In Nova Scotia, I would find a good place to sit in the woods, sometimes light a campfire sometimes not, just breathe and relax. I now live in the neighboring town in an apartment and dont have that luxury anymore, so it does get easier to get caught up in the urges and fight them off again. I find the more people you surround yourself with the greater the chance youll tick someone off, you cant please everyone, but you can also not purposely try XD. Ive watched your livestreams and participated in the dsound technocoin event. From what ive seen from you jerry. Your not out to get anyone and so far I get good vibes from you. Keep on keeping on, if you dont have haters you dont have true fans. Steem on dude.

  ·  5년 전

nice share , good luck

Lovely post jerry 👍 job

I cried reading through this cos I'm going through emotional pain despair. I'm so heartbroken 😭.
Thank you for this @jerrybanfield

We all face noments of despair at one point or the other in our lives. However, it is important we put ourselves together and look at the bigger picture beyond just what we are feeling.

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your post is always informative brother

Its brave of you to share so openly. Thank you.

Thanks for so personal a post. Yes indeed, we are all so human. In fact, this being human is the hardest thing I've ever done! Here is a poem I wrote several years ago that your post reminded me of:


The Soul knows
That only the fiercest flames
Can transform a life.

My bones and flesh
My dreams and vanities
Have been beaten upon the anvil of Life
With the hammer of tribulation
And shoved into the flaming heart
Of God's furnace
To burn the dross away.

And now, I've become monastic
In the modesty of my needs
The inner spirit
Is source to the outer life,
And that to chase illusive treasures
As a defense against pain and death
Only fills my days with frantic doings.

It's better I think
To find peace within my heart
To know I am loved, and
To know the greater prize:
I Love.

Very inspirational post frm u @jerrybanfield.. sometimes we have to feel sadness to feel and to know the value of happiness.

We have keep faith on God for everythng and he will carry all the burden frm our shoulders...

God bless!

Very good Great

Thank You Sir.
That's Amazing! 🔊🔊🔊

love the post .followed and resteemed,,

Oh my, @jerrybanfield it looks like you are stuck with the things in your head. When you would come in my practise, i would wish to be able to make the change in you. First I would ask you to take drops from BACH and for you I would try the chestnut, it will make you able to stop having same thoughts over and over again. and walnut as a pratection for trouble from out of you. :-) Than i would give you a massage in the darkroom, where the only thing what will take your focus is my hands, that will really make you feel like what is in your mind taken out! the choice of essential oils I have too choose on that moment, because it has to fit in what is needed at that moment. But you live to far so I can not offer you that. :-) When you like you are always welcome.
But because that is not possible i will suggest you something else.
You have the permission to have sorrows, we alll have, working out your sorrows, makes you stronger. But give them all a separate name. Now take match sticks and little rags, ask your daughter to help if she can ?:-) also some clay and all you need to make little puppets. You may have 7 sorrow dolls by name, and each one carries one of your sorrows, carrie them arround whit you, and in the evening when you sit down before you go to bed, and the fear of not being able to sleep starts. Take out your dolls, and take each doll, think about the problem , what you have done to stop it, or what you have to do, or what you think should happen. Lay the doll away, and take the next one, do the same till you focused on all things separate. Than see them laying in front of you and tell them and your self you will continue the next day with THEIR problems. Take a glass of wine, or a hot milk. stand in front of a open window, and breith in and out very deeply. with each breath one doll in mind. Think how you want tomorrow to be. And go to sleep. This could help you Jerry :-) Hope you soon will sleep like a baby next to your wife. Sleep well. I give you a link to wikipedia, about the worrie dolls try it! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worry_doll

good job my friend

Thank you for the good posting
Good luck.
Have a happy day.

This came just when I needed something to cheer me up, I'm kinda depress at the moment and this write-up just helps put me back in shape and really when we're faced with any depression or difficulty, we don't have to loose it. I always look forward to your writings and I'm so happy this came as a soothing to my heart. Thank you very much for always in one way or the other putting a smile on my face. I love you too


@gnomicrules thank you very much for letting me know this came at the right time for you today because I am happy knowing the few minutes I spent away from everyone else creating this today was worth it!

Lovely post, i have learnt alot from this. Thanks Boss

Brother i resteemed your post and followe

Being responsible means making the right choices and considering if your actions could hurt people around you. At times we hurt people or we get hurt. Nobody is perfect. No time for crying. The pit of despair that lasts for about 24 hours for such reasons is nothing. The pit of despair could be a great post, too. Anyhow,it's done deal and it's past. Lesson learned. This is playground for rich so you got to respect the rules or you out of the game. It's just my impression. Not judging anybody. I've been here for a while monitoring what's going on. Lol, this place is too funny.

Congratulations @jerrybanfield!
Your post was mentioned in the Steemit Hit Parade in the following category:

  • Upvotes - Ranked 10 with 739 upvotes

This is so inspiring, sometimes we forget that God really answers prayers. All we need do is challenge Him and work hard, since He works in a mysterious way; He can just show up at a point and help us thru' life.

Dear @jerrybanfield thanks for your great post! It is wonderful how you explain your way of finding peace in your self... great self discovery... Wish you peace and send you all my best wishes!

I think dealing with feelings is kind of like excercising, you have to train to get good at it. Good luck with the mental gymnastics!

excellent as always, I love you!

Thanks Jerry for this, greetings from Nigeria.
I have passed through such tough times A lot,and most times it feels as if no one understands you even though you try so much to speak to them. It takes only prayers and a strong heart to breakthrough.

Hey @jerrybanfield, this was extremely timely. I literally just read about the cosmic weather forecast of this week's energy and why it is the way it is in the cosmic intelligence. The way you described your experience and the recommendations of how to get out of the "torture chamber" is outstanding advice and much like what I was also recommending. Thanks for being so open about your own real life hell experience as a reference point. Without this kind of openness, some people are afraid to finish walking through their own hell to find what they've earned by living through it and being willing to heal.