Ok, so I’ve been hanging out with a two year old boy for the last month or two, no homo. He is the grandson of the chick who's been trying to get me to marry her for the last ten years and is going to be really mad when she reads that line. I don’t have any kids. I always figured it would happen by accident, but it never did. I guess I’m shooting blanks because I sure as shit haven’t been responsible. I won't ever admit it to anyone I know, but its been a kinda fun hanging out with little dude.
I thought I had a daughter once, but the mom banged every dude in a 50 mile radius with a bag of dope while I was dating her and two paternity test confirmed she wasn’t mine. That sucked for several reasons, especially since that was the first girl I ever told I loved her.
Anyway, little guy has a book about animals that he likes to bring to me while I’m in front of the computer trying to write. He points at pictures of animals and has me look them up on YouTube. He’s a smart little fucker but his communication skills suck so I rigged up a ghetto pointing device so he can point at the next video he wants to watch, which happens about every minute and a half.
Anyone who has ever been on the internet is guilty of pulling up some video only to start clicking the side bar and then suddenly it’s three in the morning and for some reason you just spent several hours enthralled at rednecks popping abscesses with Exacto knives and watching Smooth Criminal for the hundred thousandth time while feeling guilty because you’re pretty sure Michael fucked one of the kids in the video but goddamn that song goes down like a 20 year old scotch, and when Michael does the lean… Shiiiiit….. Fuggetaboutit!
So I’ve been going down the Youtube children’s channel rabbit hole, and goddamn is that place fucked up. I’m going to post a couple of videos. I don’t expect you to watch them all the way through, and you shouldn’t if you value your sanity, but give me five seconds on each.
This first video is not interesting at all. It’s a grown man playing with Paw Patrol dolls (P.S. I’ve had the Paw Patrol theme song stuck in my head for a month now. Fuck those bitch ass dogs) while he’s creating his own Paw Patrol episode. The fucked up part comes at the one minute and fifteen second mark where he changes the diapers he has on the plush animal toys. The dolls have apparently soiled the diapers very realistically, and he shows what a mess they made. It’s fucking weird. The cops need to check the crawl space under this dude’s house ASAP. The video goes on for 13 minutes that I couldn’t be bothered to watch. The kicker is, this shit has almost 11 million views. I don’t know how much money that is worth, but I want a slice of that pie.
This next video is also Paw Patrol. Some female narrator wearing purple gloves spends twenty minutes pouring slime on toys and microwaving Pez candy with toys to morph them into Pez dispensers.
42 million views!
Next, we have a guy with a Jurassic Park toy set having a Chris Pratt figure run around not doing shit for thirteen minutes.
Four and a half million views!
Last, but not least is a guy who calls himself Blippi who looks like his dream is to win the lottery so he can buy Neverland Ranch. Blippi spends about 14 minutes prancing around a giant playroom playing with trains and shit.
Shit, you better believe this motherfucker right here is about to start making children’s educational videos. I can crank out fifty of those in a day and spend the rest of the year snorting blow off of stripper’s titties. I just need to get a camera and learn how to edit videos. I’ve got half a mind to clear out the toy section at Goodwill and go track down @davedickeyyall in Colorado so we can get high as fuck in his hippie bus and do a show with us counting or pointing at shit and saying what color it is.
I know what you are thinking; “This here foul mouthed drunkard has no business creating children’s content.” Wrong Bitch!
Shel Silverstein used to write for Playboy.
Fred Savage has directed multiple episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”
David Joyner, the guy who played the iconic Purple dinosaur Barney, is now a man-whore who charges $350 a pop to bang chicks under the guise of spiritual tantric sex soul healing.
And then there’s Hannah Montanna.
I'd say I am uniquely qualified to inspire the youth of the world.
Here it is. Your moment of Zen.