Do You Know What Your Children Are Watching on YouTube? Also: My New Get Rich Quick Scheme.

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Ok, so I’ve been hanging out with a two year old boy for the last month or two, no homo. He is the grandson of the chick who's been trying to get me to marry her for the last ten years and is going to be really mad when she reads that line. I don’t have any kids. I always figured it would happen by accident, but it never did. I guess I’m shooting blanks because I sure as shit haven’t been responsible. I won't ever admit it to anyone I know, but its been a kinda fun hanging out with little dude.

I thought I had a daughter once, but the mom banged every dude in a 50 mile radius with a bag of dope while I was dating her and two paternity test confirmed she wasn’t mine. That sucked for several reasons, especially since that was the first girl I ever told I loved her.

Anyway, little guy has a book about animals that he likes to bring to me while I’m in front of the computer trying to write. He points at pictures of animals and has me look them up on YouTube. He’s a smart little fucker but his communication skills suck so I rigged up a ghetto pointing device so he can point at the next video he wants to watch, which happens about every minute and a half.

Anyone who has ever been on the internet is guilty of pulling up some video only to start clicking the side bar and then suddenly it’s three in the morning and for some reason you just spent several hours enthralled at rednecks popping abscesses with Exacto knives and watching Smooth Criminal for the hundred thousandth time while feeling guilty because you’re pretty sure Michael fucked one of the kids in the video but goddamn that song goes down like a 20 year old scotch, and when Michael does the lean… Shiiiiit….. Fuggetaboutit!

So I’ve been going down the Youtube children’s channel rabbit hole, and goddamn is that place fucked up. I’m going to post a couple of videos. I don’t expect you to watch them all the way through, and you shouldn’t if you value your sanity, but give me five seconds on each.

This first video is not interesting at all. It’s a grown man playing with Paw Patrol dolls (P.S. I’ve had the Paw Patrol theme song stuck in my head for a month now. Fuck those bitch ass dogs) while he’s creating his own Paw Patrol episode. The fucked up part comes at the one minute and fifteen second mark where he changes the diapers he has on the plush animal toys. The dolls have apparently soiled the diapers very realistically, and he shows what a mess they made. It’s fucking weird. The cops need to check the crawl space under this dude’s house ASAP. The video goes on for 13 minutes that I couldn’t be bothered to watch. The kicker is, this shit has almost 11 million views. I don’t know how much money that is worth, but I want a slice of that pie.

This next video is also Paw Patrol. Some female narrator wearing purple gloves spends twenty minutes pouring slime on toys and microwaving Pez candy with toys to morph them into Pez dispensers.
42 million views!

Next, we have a guy with a Jurassic Park toy set having a Chris Pratt figure run around not doing shit for thirteen minutes.
Four and a half million views!

Last, but not least is a guy who calls himself Blippi who looks like his dream is to win the lottery so he can buy Neverland Ranch. Blippi spends about 14 minutes prancing around a giant playroom playing with trains and shit.
113,548,364 views!

Shit, you better believe this motherfucker right here is about to start making children’s educational videos. I can crank out fifty of those in a day and spend the rest of the year snorting blow off of stripper’s titties. I just need to get a camera and learn how to edit videos. I’ve got half a mind to clear out the toy section at Goodwill and go track down @davedickeyyall in Colorado so we can get high as fuck in his hippie bus and do a show with us counting or pointing at shit and saying what color it is.

I know what you are thinking; “This here foul mouthed drunkard has no business creating children’s content.” Wrong Bitch!

Shel Silverstein used to write for Playboy.

Fred Savage has directed multiple episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

Dr. Seuss got kicked off his college humor magazine after getting busted drinking gin in his dorm room during prohibition.

David Joyner, the guy who played the iconic Purple dinosaur Barney, is now a man-whore who charges $350 a pop to bang chicks under the guise of spiritual tantric sex soul healing.

And then there’s Hannah Montanna.

I'd say I am uniquely qualified to inspire the youth of the world.

Here it is. Your moment of Zen.

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I've got 4 year old twins and they freaking love blippi. At first, I hated the dude, but my kids were actually learning from him, so I looked him up. Guy's got a masters in early childhood education. But yeah, the rest of the kids stuff on YouTube is utter crap. I laughed so hard at your idea to start a show with @davedickeyyall. I'd fuckin pay to see that. Call it "High Dave" My kids already love to watch Dave do his Flippin Stix. 🤣☺

Posted using Partiko Android

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I'll try to get them a video made..

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The craziest thing is I'm watching this shit with my jaw on the floor, completely unable to cope with what I'm seeing but this little 2yr old energy machine is just hypnotized by it. He can't get enough of it.

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I know right? That stuff is like kiddie crack to them. I had to delete YouTube, it was becoming kinda scary how much they needed to watch it. Just good old paw patrol from now on. ☹

🎶paw patrol, paw patrol, whenever you're in trouble..🎶 😂

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You fuck. That's going to be stuck in my head for a month.

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I've been screwed up because of it for over a year.

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I guess the rest of my night is going to be spent looking up Insane Clown Posse renditions now. And for that, I thank you.

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I don't think you'll find too many more like that but you will find a lot of music most people think sucks.

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Jesus, I figured there’s got to be some cheap video stuff out there.
I was just reading on Reddit this morning about all the weird shit that gets stuck in those vids. At first I was like, I gotta check that out, then I thought, Do i really though?

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Lmmfao.. c'mon up...the dispensary down the street has the fire.. i might even be able to scrounge up a slut or two with nice titties... by the way kids...

DON'T DO DRUGS!!

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Sounds like a plan. I just gotta win that mega millions tonight so I can have some traveling money.

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Psst... you didn't win. Sorry.

Shiiiiittt.

I got a 3 yr old and a 18-month-old so I feel ya. I have thought the same thing. You ever watch SuperSimpleSongs channel? I think they invented the Baby Shark "do do do" song. They have to be rolling in cash.

They make a few minute animated video and sing a song. Then put the clips together in all sorts of ways for videos. Make the content one time and make money off of it tons of ways. Plus kids watch shit over and over and over.

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I'm not sure if I saw the super simple songs, but man there are some truly, truly awful songs out there in kid land.

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Super simple is one of the good ones.

That fuckin’ blippy, when you realize he’s being a better father than you😥 figure some peewee Herman shit will shut that show down right quick. Anywho, made my first legal order for weed this morning... Canad fuckin eh. Happy weednesday

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Nobody is that good of a person...Blippy is plotting something.
Also, piss of eh, with your healthcare and legal right to own plants.

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woosh

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howdy themadgoat! I can't believe the views this trash gets! My god..well I think you should go for it. I mean the bar isn't exactly set high so you could kill this stuff!

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I got scared when I saw you posted with the educational tag, I was correct and also laughed my ass off. On the bright side, I can see an illegitimate child surfacing in your near future - don't give up hope.

Be careful with that little dude - please don't scar him for life. But kudos on your pointing device - clever.

All those videos are frightening - I'm sure you could make a killing. I especially liked the way the video that came up after your charming cooking by the book remix was a review for a Smith and Wesson - nice.
Smith.PNG

Keep up the good work but don't ruin any children in the process.
~T

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You know what the scariest thing is? I'm the nurturing voice of reason in this house. That kid is going to either cure cancer or climb on top of a clock tower. Either way, he'll know a lot of useless facts.

I do not think that Michael Jackson fucked kids, I just think he cuddled them creepily and probably scared the hell out of them without realizing it.