Goodbye Moma

작년

Last Saturday evening I received a message from one of my sisters telling me that our mother was rushed to the hospital because she lost consciousness.

The healthcare system here in the Philippines is absolutely abysmal as the ambulance took her and we had to go to several hospitals because they were too full. We were even paying patients and not one that was at the mercy of government medical aid. Yet that is for another topic.

We soon was able to secure a room for her and was closely monitoring her vitals.

24 hours after she lost consciousness she was still in the same state. Her neurologist talked to us and gave the expectations that if she would not wake up in 48 hours she had the possibility of being brain damaged.

I could not believe it. Our image for her was always that of strength and grace. We often joked around that she would outlive us all and yet here she was lying in bed, unresponsive to our calls.

Last Christmas I didn't go home. I was still battling my anxiety and was not leaving my house to go anywhere. I remember my sister saying she was asking for me. Yet still I did not go home.

My mom and I never had the best relationship. In some way I hated her because of what happened to my Pops. In a way I was blaming her for his death that he was so far away from us.

As I grew older we did try to mend the relationship but it never really became the same.

Now that she is gone I keep regretting that I didn't come home to see her.

I'm trying my best to get better Moma. I'm trying to stand on my own two feet again. To drive away the demons in my head and for you to be proud of me.

It hurts so much now. At first I felt numb but the more I think about it, the more my heart aches. I can't stop crying.

I gotta ask why now. I'm trying with all my strength to get better but life keeps sending me curve balls.

I can't understand it. I'm not strong at this point. I want to be strong so you can be proud of me but I can't find it.

It hurts...

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Sorry for your loss. May her soul rest in peace

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Thank you Eremmy

You don't have to be strong for anyone - just go through the pain as it needs to be let out. If not now it will come back later in your life. My sincere condolences, there's nothing more I can say right now.

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Thank you Soyrosa indeed I need to let it out and the pain will eventually subside.

It will remain but it will dull with time.

Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate!

Sorry about your mom. In most situations the loss of a parent hurts and you are far to aware of this.

Stop beating yourself up. You can't change things. What's done is done and to torture yourself is mean. I will keep saying this until it sinks in. You are worthy, you are good enough, you are a beautiful person and you are getting better. I know you may not feel that you are, but it is noticeable.

How do you know when you are strong? One doesn't really know this. Those of us that don't think we are will almost always see ourselves as weak. You know what tells me someone is strong? You're still here. You made it through another day. Just like how much of your crying is feeling sorry or from being frustrated and tired? If it is from being frustrated and tired, then you are not weak. It shows you are trying.

Learn to celebrate these little things when they happen. I think you just need to work on being the best version of yourself that you can. It's ok to cry. It's ok to get angry. It's not ok to be mean to yourself. I think that would be what your mom would want. I know for me I just want my kids to be happy with their lives regardless of anything else going on. I have tried to help them to not react to things the way I do. I have tried to help them to see problems when they arise and deal with it then an there. Most of all I tried to show them that while things happen to us that we may not have control over that they do not define us. It is how we mover forward that defines us. Staying with the old pain is not healthy. Learning to move through it is the only way.
I have faith in you @maverickinvictus I know @lynncoyle1 does too.

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Thank you so much! The words you gave echoes closely the words my therapist have me as she repeatedly told me that I am worthy, that I am kind and emphatic. That I need to realize that I should stop being too hard on myself and forgive me.
I am indeed still here, still trying and now employing self love and self care to make me feel that I am not unworthy.

Practice my empathy on myself and stop the emotional hurt I am inflicting on myself.

I would like to thank you for the great words and it really lifted me.

I feel your pain ... my grandmother who lived with us ... died ... and it was a horrible loss ... and now that my aunt ... who was like my 2nd mother .... has an aggressive cancer .... it’s killing me . ... I keep thinking I’m not doing enough while she’s alive ... I have so much guilt ... I know I could and should do more for her .

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It is really painful to lose anyone especially those with close familial ties.

We are too hard on ourselves when all they want is for us to accept the loss and remember their lives.

Thank you for sharing your pain and I know I am not alone.

I am so sorry to read this Mav. I know this was some months ago, but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for you <3