Stabby (A Shortstory)

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"No, we can't tape a knife on him. He needs the cameras to see, and the knife might prevent him from seeing properly."

S. pouted.

"But look! I gave him googly eyes! He can see with those!"

"You know full well he can't." R, sighed. "Let the poor guy just do his job."

"Alright, alright, whatever."

About twenty minutes later, they were checking out a visualization of the paths the vacuum robot had taken.

IMG20190730WA0049.jpg

"Looks like he struggles to get into the living room", S. remarked. "Did you have the door to the hallway closed?"

"Yea, didn't want him to get away."

"Get Away makes it sound like he's a wild animal that will kill us all."

"Hey, you are the one who wanted to give him a knife."

"And I still want to."


It was the middle of the night when they heard a sound.

"What's that? It's super noisy", S. asked.

"I ... I think I might have accidentally set a timer so that the robot cleans automatically. Probably confused am and pm? Doesn't matter, he can't get out of the kitchen, remember? The doorstep to the living room is to steep."

Suddenly, the sound of the vacuum cleaner grew louder.

"Did you close the kitchen door?" S. whispered, and R. shook his head.

The sound grew louder.

"Oh my god, he escaped."

IMG20190731WA0000.jpg

"Don't be dramatic. It's a vacuum robot, it's not like he can climb stairs."

"Are you sure?"

"Are you kidding me, you can't be seriously asking that!"

A thump interrupted their conversation. The sound grew louder, came closer, but now interrupted by rhythmic thumps.

"He's climbing the stairs. He's climbing the fucking stairs!" S. shrieked and jumped out of the bed. "Do something!"

"Calm down, Jesus, what is he supposed to do? Bump into the door? Jump up and push down the door handle to come in and suck you up?"

There sound of the vacuum robot indicated that it was now right outside the door.

"Can't you turn it off?" S. asked. "You have an app on the phone for it, right?"

"Right. Let me check that out." R. retrieved his phone, opened the app, and pressed some buttons. Nothing happened. "Doesn't seem to be working."

"We're all going to die."

"Oh shut up."

The robot started softly bumping against the door, as if it was knocking.

"It's coming to eat us!"

"It's a vacuum robot. Look, I'm going to grab it and turn it off."

"Do not open the door, do you hear me? Do not open it!"

R. got up, walked towards the door, and opened it.

The robot entered the room.

He had a knife.


This story is very, very, very loosely based on real events.

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Stabby is glorious even if he killed us!

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with incredibly well scripted auto-exploration algorithms...

he'll achieve great things once he makes it into outer space

A new found liking for my own vacuum that is dumb and doesn't have smart pathing. I"m locking up the knives just to be sure.

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You can never be too safe!

Ok... I take it all back! Let's just pretend I never said anything about half somethings and wise anythings...

Maybe you need an EMP gun under the pillow for the future... just to be safe... then again, we already established that nobody should listen to my advice.

Loved reading this follow-up though :D

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The question is if an EMP gun is sufficient .... or if I need something stronger. Like a rocket launcher.

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Rocket launchers leave marks in the floor, so do ot outside the house!

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:(