Unclean Desires... A Finish The Story Contest Entry

2년 전


Condensation clung to the window, occasionally releasing a surge that cleared a path making the outside world visible. The cold white light refracted in the tiny water droplets. It was pretty, Shannon thought, as her breath spread across the cold window.

She checked her phone, the bright screen dazzling her. Her eyes darted to the mirror. The baby didn’t stir, still sound asleep in his comfortable car seat. She checked the time, the numbers read 23:46. There was no message.

She slipped it back into her coat pocket, wrapping her fingers around each other in an attempt to bring them back to life.

The CD stopped playing, the story finished. She pressed replay. The kid would no doubt wake up if it went silent. The story started up from the beginning. It was one she had listened to herself as a child. The narrator had a soothing voice, Shannon felt calm despite her predicament.

She checked her phone again. Still no message. Her eyes darted back to the boy, his blond hair showing underneath his fluffy hat. His cheeks pink. His blue eyes hidden beneath heavy eyelids.

A gloved hand rapped against the window. Shannon jumped, she quickly rolled down the window.

A clean shaven man ducked his head down to look at her.

“You have the package?”

His eyes glanced around the car, resting a few moments on the sleeping boy before returning to her face.

She nodded, her heart hammering in her chest. This was the first time she had done something like this.

She removed the key from the ignition and opened her door, the man stepped out of the way. She was not surprised to measure up as shorter than him. She fumbled with the key in her hand. She found it hard to swallow.

“How many times do I have to do this?”

Her voice shook. She wrapped her arms around herself, giving her hands something to grip onto.

“Until you’ve paid what you owe.”

His voice clawed at her insides. He stepped closer, a hungry look in his eye.

Shannon shivered. She was mentally kicking herself for getting into debt. But there was only one thing she could do now.

The man took another step closer. She could now almost feel his heavy yet surprisingly minted breath on her forehead. She mustered enough courage and placed a hand on his chest, halting his progress.

"Not out here." She said, struggling to keep her state of calm.

The man smiled, a hint of satisfaction showing in his eyes. "I knew you were a smart girl."

He stepped back, allowing Shannon the chance to lead the way. But she remained standing, arms folded around herself again.

"Having doubts...?" The man asked, grinning mischievously. "It isn't good for you baby, those doubts."

Shannon nodded slightly, then turned around and opened the door to the back of the car. The heat from the air conditioner inside hit her instantly, reminding her of home, of comfort, of being debt free.

She stooped and stepped inside, carefully making sure not to disturb the child yet going in enough to give room for the man to come in. But he didn't. He stared at her suspiciously from the open door, his eyes darting from her to the child, and back.

"Let me see the package first." He ordered.

Shannon feigned disinterest in what he said. She knew she had little time left. Instead she began to undo the buttons of her blouse, revealing well rounded cleavage that she knew from experience had never failed to distract men.

The man stood for only a couple more moments. Then he gave a slight shrug, stepped into the car, and closed the door.

"I guess the package can wait." He said, as he half lifted Shannon onto his laps, pulling her skirts up in the process.

Shannon steeled herself. His hands on her bare skin felt like spider's tentacles. She closed her eyes, she could hear the narrator round up. Any moment now...

The man was already engrossed in his desire to peel off every piece of clothing on Shannon. He tore off the rest of the buttons on her blouse, and in one movement, pulled her breasts free from her bra...

As he bit into one nipple, he didn't notice the CD stop playing, or the slight creak of the modified car seat as the baby stirred, beautiful blue eyes opening.

By the time he noticed the movement beside him, and turned to see, it was too late. Blue eyes had become red, claws and sharp teeth an inch away from him.

Shannon leaned back as the blood splashed and splattered. She stayed that way, her eyes closed, until the boy was done.

When she heard his childlike cry again, she opened her eyes. The view was gruesome, but the boy was once more, a tender little bundle. Shannon pushed the dismembered body to one side, lifted the boy, and made her way out of the car.

Outside, she took in the cold air of the night. Her nerves still shook, but even in the absence of the soothing voice of the narrator, she was truly at peace now.

She knew her debts were paid in full...



Written for @bananafish's Finish The Story Contest

This one was a prompt that sent my thoughts flying, grasping for something, everything, yet reaching none...

Eventually I tired, and settled on the baby, with his cute blue eyes and pink cheeks.

The rest they say...


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This post has been manually selected, curated and upvoted by CI mod staff team. Supporting all posts that are in high quality and don’t get enough recognition.

This post was submitted for curation by: @theironfelix
This post was voted: 100%

yo this was dope.

By the time he noticed the movement beside him, and turned to see, it was too late. Blue eyes had become red, claws and sharp teeth an inch away from him.

this guy was a creep from the start.

and the way you killed him was pleasant, and surprising. I didn't expect it.

good stuff!

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Now that was a twisted tale! Great job taking the story in a different direction. It's predictable to have the baby be the package, but to turn him into some kind of demon and devour the man!


Uee hee hee hee!~ A simple chaos that doth land into my eyes do I not stare into it now? Why o why yes do I see a simple numbers game that lended Shannon her safety, for now. It truly is an interesting thing but now enough of my insanity as I crawl into the depths of this post to truly scan what I am seeing here~

La filosofía: Hmm, a decidedly hard one to say as it does have to deal with being on the fence of mere misogyny and the cruel realities that non-males have to face. But by the fact that of her intent of not actually liking what she did, knowledge of her very much still patriarchal World and knowing the baby would've erupted, I shall say it aligns more closely to the harsh-realities of non-males. The fact of our matter coming about in the form that the dæmon baby, which easily could've be the reflection into our World with the self-defense of mothers; which has been more the case in anthropology of human societies than what we are led to believe - especially for those in between the Medieval to Capitalist epoch where many women and non-males (following Feudal-Mercantile standards) had raided entire granaries to feed the community against starvation. So the dæmon-baby in this story is rather the payback against the misogynistic and sexual violence on women, it very much taps into the repressed elements of history which has been boiling now for the last few decades. Especially with the crook's/creep's death being the signal of freedom against a form of bondage that had kept her down and now allows her to take care of something she does care for.

La forma: If I strike only one wrong, it's that "skirts" should be changed to "skirt" - lest she really had many skirts. Other than that, I love the usage of italics for dialogue (despite the usual dialogue marker of quotation marks being there). The usage of actions as to develop our scene and tension, especially when we didn't knew but could guess what Shannon's weapon was - a dramatic irony in reverse that gets unwound by the sentences. Truly, I am infatuated with a deep love with how we don't get to see bloody murder but we still do - all because Shannon closed her eyes which maintains the third-person limited perspective. In the end, LA FIN!~

This is an interesting direction for the story to go in. Was he not worried about disturbing the child while he groped the woman?

I enjoyed the twist at the end, the child / little devil creature changing, Shannon closing her eyes during it.

What was the package he never got to see? and was the debt simply filling the child's hunger?

Ohhh i knew i could rely on you ;)

this is just such a wonderful way to answer the questions raised in the first half without having to directly answer them. The package was a ploy, so it barely mattered what she'd used to lure him out there, and again, you make the nature of her debt irrelevant by shifting the focus of the story. This feels like it builds on tropes to create an unexpected story that challenges assumptions.

In the first exchange of dialogue, you set this up as a different sort of story, then use that to add to the horror so well. I love how despite her nerves she fights for the appearance of calm. And oh my word!! how you shift the reason for that nervousness, did she ever fear for her self and her safety, or for what she knew she must do?

I like how Shannon manipulates the man here, using the very think he acts like he is entitled to (her sexuality) against him. Very much the baited honey pot!

And of course, if you need to feed a person to your demon baby, this very much seems like the person to go for, and what a way to settle her debt. Dead men don't come a knocking for their money lol

I very much want this wider story please. Is it her baby? is this a story of the length a mothers love will go? Or has her baby been possessed? Or is this a cursed child she has felt sorry for, it almost feels like the part 2 to a horror movie about families who adopt this people eating baby, and our Shannon has intervened?

To focus on the sweetness of the baby, and give it this contrast, is just so a clever way to tie this up <3

Wow. Sex and violence in a sophisticated well written way delivers an awesome end to this FtS.

Okay. I'm going to be more careful the next time I tap on a beautiful woman's window and make sure there is nothing else living in the car.

Spoooooky and Spine-chilling!

You have a great imagination for gore horror stories

I agreed with @tristancarax

I'm going to be more careful the next time I tap on a beautiful woman's window and make sure there is nothing else living in the car.