HOW TO USE A BROKEN FRENCH PRESS

8개월 전

HOW TO:

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USE A BROKEN FRENCH PRESS
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by @d-pend


howtouseupdate.jpeg



The only logical thing to do


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Hey folks. What do you do when the Universe breaks your French Press — not once, not twice, but thrice, the last time dramatically spiderwebbed with cracks? (OK, not that dramatic... sort of like the "terrible" burn you've got, so unsatisfied to all the lookers-on.) Well, obviously, you immortalize the glassy thing in equally-dramatic photos, which you promptly forget about. Then, you give the piece the equivalent of a delayed cremation (Oh, the wonders of recycling!)

Then, weeks later, you record your late grandmother's out-of-tune piano and sample it for an experimental piece in A=447.6 Hz, whose vibratory nexus the Cosmos has apparently consecrated for said experimentation purposes. (Don't forget to put the bass part in B♭ Kirnberger tuning.) Ignore 95% of the material recorded and chop up a few small samples to create the bulk of the ambience and harmonic material by tuning multiple copies of the chops to different pure intervals (Pythagorean-wise.)

Yeah, I don't know, then record some keyboard percussion, some ambling synth solo over the back half of the collage, and get way too perfectionistic tweaking the balance of your chimeric manifestation of chance (ain' no such thing as coincidence, young feller... some cackling farmer drawls in your mind.) Done? OK, auto-algorithm master the thing, and make the damn video already. No one cares about music, you've gotta SEE to believe. ('ts tha exact oppersite if ya pay closer attention... [wide-eyed] I am staring at myself intensely in the weird reflection of this conjured personage dark with tobacco stains and sunken eyes. That ghastly grin.)

Exhume your old French Press, and learn Final Cut Pro, already. You know iMovie is complete trash (That ghastly grin widening and weird starfunnels erupting from jaundiced phalanges.) Shake off the hallucinations. Take a break and read some Philip K. Dick. Unnerving entertainment, created in a mind of well-balanced integration and derangement. A quote from VALIS lodges in the itinerant consciousness: "The Mind is not talking to us but by means of us. Its narrative passes through us and its sorrow infuses us irrationally. As Plato discerned, there is a streak of the irrational in the World Soul.*" You smile.

Quit getting distracted. Stare into that soulless expanse of pixels, over and again. Keep coherence somehow, that word just on the other side of recall slipping, always slipping. Work wordless, then—whatever amateurish visual transformations you can conjure: in the wrong dimensions. For God's Sake. They'll have to be cropped. Nearly a third of the goodness gone. It figures. What was it they said about Murphy? (a harsh disembodied guffaw) Anyhow, forget Ken Burns and his techniques, insofar as you can forget that which you never knew. Just get as close as you can, effects-in-a-box: heat waves, TV static, ripples, and whatnot. Chop those dadgum images up, make it something.

Name it a thing... "The Universe's Screw Loose." Yeah, that'll do. A sense of the mechanism, but it's slightly faulty. Just like the Vast Active Living Intelligence System told good ol' Horselover Fat in that pink-light-itchthys-transmission back in the day. [The Empire Never Ended.] You've gotta just post the thing on YouTube, show the bigwigs with flawless suits and bad breath whatcha got. (Scotch just pouring, pouring.... turning into silver popcorn. The farmer is aging backwards, drowning in his barn filling up with maize, but it's the wrong color: God didn't make emerald tortillas.)

That's enough. Just forget it. A while later, muster your courage and write some convoluted tutorial on blockchain. It's uncomfortable, but everyone has a calling. You've got to give of yourself before this world takes everything you have, anyway. Everybody ought to know the only logical thing to do with a broken french press, and you're the only one that can tell them. (Says the farmer, as he flicks his cigarette into dry hay and walks towards the creek, not looking back. Echoes of that hideous laughter, and those voidful eyes superimposed on your physical vision. Ain' no such thang as the Universe havin' no screw loose, young feller...)

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Hi d-pend,

Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)

Judges:

If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here

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Thank you to @matytan for the great banner

Hey @d-pend,
In an effort to try to give people more transparency and feedback on what our judges think of their posts, we thought we'd run an experiment and give people their score from teh judges.

Your post achieved a score of 4/5.

Thanks for the lovely entry to our contest. Now some posts do really well, others not so well, and some could use some improvement. We hope the above feedback is helpful in making you a star.

  • Comedy Open Mic Team

You sir @d-pend/son have a great sense of humor! :)

@d-pend,

FINALLY ... an opencomedymic entry.

What do you do when the Universe breaks your French Press?

Well ... that's the existential question, isn't it?

Plato and Aristotle had a pissing match about this very matter that lasted for 20 years.

Fellow comics ... this is my buddy, D-pend. Give him a good welcome ... and strap in ... you have no idea what you're in for. :-)

Great job, Dan ... let's see a lot more OCM entries. :-)

Quill

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So you're implying with this semmingly-innocuous meme GIF that the drowning of a farmer-spectre in rainbow popcorn is a laughing matter? I call for all conscientious bloggers to #boycottpopcornbot until it renounces this hateful, bigoted ideology. Hell, it's probably a closet transphobic, white supremacist, fascist pig, too. Disgusting.

#IAmAGoodPerson #VirtueSignaling #PoliticizeEverything #DeathToRationalThinking

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Equal opportunity MEME generator

Lol. That’s gonna keep me busy for a few days. Is this coffee or Acid in my drink right here?

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2-4 days probably. I would've put an estimated time, but time doesn't exist. You know, that's a good question. All we need is an electron microscope to analyze the constituent molecules. Now where the hell can I get one of those? ...might be slightly out of my budget.

This is a logical course of action. It's better than sitting around the house complaining or blaming.

The intro is eerie because of the acoustic piano. Once the beat is added in you think I might feel better, but I question with you Metaphysics and Epistemology.

Socrates to Alcibiades

Socrates: Then what shall we say of the shoemaker? Does he cut with his tools only or with his hands?

Alcibiades: With his hands as well.
Socrates: He uses his hands too?
Alcibiades: Yes. …
Socrates: And does not a man use the whole body?
Alcibiades: Certainly.
Socrates: And that which uses is different from that which is used?
Alcibiades: True.
Socrates: Then a man is not the same as his own body?
Alcibiades: That is the inference.
Socrates: What is he, then?
Alcibiades: I cannot say.
Socrates: Nay, you can say that he is the user of the body.
Alcibiades: Yes.
Socrates: And the user of the body is the soul?
Alcibiades: Yes, the soul.

I like where your groove is coming from.

I love what you've accomplished in the video. The images are amazing and fit the music very well. In the writing I got lost, a lot of information with double meaning and intention overwhelmed my shot decoder. ;)

Hi @d-pend!

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Your UA account score is currently 5.267 which ranks you at #780 across all Steem accounts.
Your rank has improved 2 places in the last three days (old rank 782).

In our last Algorithmic Curation Round, consisting of 233 contributions, your post is ranked at #90.

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Feel free to join our @steem-ua Discord server

Hello @d-pend, thank you for sharing this creative work! We just stopped by to say that you've been upvoted by the @creativecrypto magazine. The Creative Crypto is all about art on the blockchain and learning from creatives like you. Looking forward to crossing paths again soon. Steem on!