Greetings loyal followers.
Do you have what it takes to become my apprentice? Probably not.
My executive assistant Vera, who will never have to look for another job as long as I am the most powerful being in any universe (so basically forever), has informed me that many of your planet's wonderful, brilliant, tremendous inhabitants who constantly say great things about me, are interested in working for The Empire.
The new False Intelligence narrative is that there is CHAOS in the Death Star. Wrong! Beings will always come & go, and I want strong dialogue before making a final decision. I still have some beings that I want to change (always seeking perfection). There is no Chaos, only great Energy and Force!
But yes, I am looking to replace some wacky, deranged, vicious, lowlifes who were terminated from employment... and breathing.
In addition to a warning, this should help explain what I am looking for in a candidate: male and non-alien.
It is no surprise that so many inhabitants from your primitive planet wish to join my staff. So many beings want a piece of that rounded, elongated bridge of the Death Star. They want a piece of the Port S-Foil. So many beings want to come in [to the Death Star]. I have a choice of anybody. I can take any position in the Death Star and I’ll have a choice of the 10 top beings.
As a result, I will only hire the best beings.
Are you one?
There is no need to have the audacity to hope for such a position within the Empire. Just look at one of the best beings I have already hired. Do you really think you have what it takes to compete with this type of incredible being who says nice things about me all the time?
After reopening Vader Academy, I needed to find to find someone to ensure that training within the Empire would be returned to greatness. (Although to be honest, I don't know why we need to train anyone. I love the un-trained!) Anyway, thanks to the non-linear timeline on which I now operate, I was able to select this brilliant and passionate training advocate.
Under his leadership, we will reform the Imperial training system and break the bureaucracy that is holding our younglings back so that we can deliver galaxy-class education and training choice to all families.
Even though I was required to hire this being as part of the Emperor's "Operation Window dressing", which requires the Empire to employ at least one inhabitant from one of the many bantha fodder systems, it has turned out very well for the Empire.
He is a huge advocate for making sure there are many blasters in the training facilities. When someone questioned this policy, he shot down the enemy of the Empire by saying, "I will refer back to Senator N-Z and the training facility he was talking about on Tatooine. I think probably there, I would imagine that there is probably a blaster in the schools to protect from potential Womp rats."
He also championed those pioneers who
were forced chose to start training facilities for aliens due to the fact that the Empire refused to provide training for non-humanoids. He explained that they are living proof that when more options are provided to younglings, they are afforded greater access and greater quality. When your iron-fisted dictatorship refuses to provide training, simply choose to provide it yourself. BRILLIANT!
Mesa finishi day onesy. Where mesa get pencil?
Now some may not recognize the brilliance I demonstrated by hiring this being, but they are stupid, moronic losers so you should not listen to their “facts”. I mean look at that guy. He’s brilliant! A real deep thinker. And he says wonderful things about me. Although it is true that he has never received any training, has never seen a training facility, does not understand what happens in training facilities, cannot count to 10, does not speak proper basic, does not believe aliens should be trained, and gets his tongue stuck in everything, he is still a wonderful employee. Just recently when 40% of the inhabitants of the Empire reported they fully support all that I do, he said, “Just knowing that well more than half the galaxy is with him gives us a great sense of confidence moving forward.” What a great guy!
I doubt any of you can ever live up to that level of competence, qualificationness and greatness. But if you are so bold to try, here is the job posting that I made available for all of you on something called "monster.com". That seems like a very appropriate place to post something that would result in anyone choosing to work for me.
If you are interested in a position with The Empire, apply here.
But don't hold your breath.
It doesn't help.
Just ask this loser.
He told the truth. Big mistake.