If you have been wondering why I haven't sent any transmissions recently, it is because I have been trying to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes: ruining creatures' Life Day celebrations. Perhaps some day I will regale you with glorious stories of one of my favorite forms of amusement. But for now, I need to deal with an annoyance.
I can't even enjoy my favorite pastime without that loser Mar Camel sending a blatantly false and inflammatory transmission intended to attempt to make me look bad. That is a fool's errand (so he should be excellent at it). I never look bad.
In his transmission, he has the nerve to accuse me of lying. Me lying? I can't believe that he even has the audacity to hope that he would catch me in a lie. I am far too good at distracting people from the lies I never tell.
But he sent it, so I guess I need to point out all of the dirty lies and falsehoods he packed into it.
Just jump already. Your island sucks.
Lets start with that island of yours. I commend you on being the only Jedi with enough brains to realize you can't possibly defeat the Dark Side of the Force. So you did the incredibly heroic thing of hiding on an island like a freaking weasel while your family and loved ones fought (and lost) battle after battle. Bravo! Now I'm glad that old dirt bag stole you away from me when you were a baby. I'd be embarrassed if I raised a son who behaved like such a coward.
By the way, could you have found a crappier place to hide for 30 years? You live on a rock surrounded by furry penguins (that look delicious by the way) and turtle women dressed like Holly Hobby. Congrats on that choice.
Here is where I hang out on the very rare occasion I want to get away from it all.
Your island looks even crappier now doesn't it?
As far as that "honey" goes, I just have to tell you that you are seriously sick. I mean you have major issues. Not only did you make out with your sister every chance you got, now you are hot for a woman who is most likely my grandchild (despite what my fanboy Kylo-Ren has to say)?! That means you are either her uncle or her dad. What? Are you a Hollywood producer... or actor... or executive... or sports team owner... or senator or... Never mind! Just keep it in your pants you sicko!
And accusing me of not being able to get any ladies?! Are you delusional? We all know that every woman wants me. They just don't know it yet. Luckily I have a little test that involves grabbing them anywhere I like. When they let me (and they always do) I know they are into my power. Furthermore, do I need to remind you of how freaking hot your mom was? Oh wait. Of course I don't. You're the sick, sick person who kisses your sister all the damn time! But you win. You trolled me. I will show you an image to remind you of her hotness.
"Can't pull women..."
There. Are you happy now? Of course you are. You sick old man.
Now onto the animals. You claim the wampa lost its arm due to a camera trick. Then you use this as "evidence".
You are standing there holding a freaking lightsaber next to a wampa with a severed arm. Why won't anybody investigate you and all of your crimes? You are so crooked yet everyone is always focused on all of the terrible underhanded things I did. No justice!
Also, why did you cut its arm off. Do you know how much that creature is going to suffer? It won't be able to feed itself now. Were you aiming for the middle and you missed? How stupid are you? I would never do that. If I promise I am aiming for the middle, I would never make a mistake and really target the upper part of something. I guess I am just 1.5 trillion times better than you at aiming for and hitting the middle part of something.
And you are talking about my files? What about the 33,000 transmissions you deleted to cover up your crooked tracks? Also did you just admit committing a crime? Is no one going to do anything about this? If I ever blatantly admitted committing a crime, no one would ever let me live it down. But you get to brag about it?
Sorry that the images on my data pads disappointed you. I'm sure you were looking for females who resembled your family members.
And that file titled "The Empire Strikes Back and Makes Luke Look Like a Wampa-Killing Jerk." so what? I also have one titled "Water is wet" and "Ewoks are delicious". We made you look like a wampa-killing jerk because you are a wampa killing jerk. You kind of did our job for us. Thanks for that.
I always knew you were dirty, but bringing Sadie into this? Seriously?
The Empire enhanced that creature. She was awesome before, but now she is super awesome! Why? Because the only thing better than a living creature is when you combine that living creature with the most advanced technology available.
That creature has never been happier. I'm sure you're just upset because it will be more difficult for you to injure that innocent animal.
Your final piece of of evidence is just ridiculous. Do you see how happy that creature is? I gave that creature that fur and it let me ride it. What's the problem?
In that final image, are you begging me for a hug? Well that's not happening. Knowing you, you'd try to make out with me.
Go back to your rock and stay there you coward!