Greetings loyal followers. My executive assistant Vera, who is the only other indispensable member of the Empire, has informed me that some of you may be able to provide The Empiree with valuable intelligence on the inhabitants of your ridiculously primitive planet.
This is typically how I like my advisors. Standing there doing nothing like the morons they are.
Because I am the most intelligent, most thoughtful, most qualified, most popular, toughest and greatest being who has ever existed, I normally do not like to take advice from inferiors (which is basically everyone who is not me). However, from time to time I do seek council from these underlings. When I do seek their council, some of them are so foolish that they actually attempt to tell me something I don't want to here. When this occurs, I am forced to conduct another shakeup.
Here's the result of the latest leadership shakeup.
They decided to step down.
Hold on a moment. Dennis the Imperial IT guy is bothering me... again. I swear if he weren't Vera's brother-in-law he would have been involved in a permanent shakeup long ago.
"What do you mean I spelled it wrong?"
" 'It'... "I" "T". "
"That is completely correct."
"You should go away now before I send you to the disciplinary counsel."
I still don't understand why I can't just kill whoever I want. I should be able to strike them down like a single line from something I do not like.
Back to the issue at hand.
When you have such a huge brain like I have, and you are the smartest person in every room you enter, it is very difficult to understand how you regular morons think. That is why Vera thought someone on this platform might be able to give me some intelligence on your unintelligent inhabitants.
As you know, the Empire will be annexing your planet very soon. Before we do this, we prefer to gather as much information as possible about each future
slave valuable member of the Empire.
In the past, we have relied on Imperial Probe Droids. Unfortunately they are very expensive and tend to explode even if they are barely hit by light blaster fire. In addition, such an intricate machine seems like overkill when it comes to gathering intelligence on a planet that has none.
We could have one of these in every house if we felt like like probing all of you.
The Empire's goal is to gather information on at least 2.2 billion of your most foolish inhabitants.
The Imperial IT guy, Dennis Farkleberg, has devised the most ludicrous plot to gain information about your inhabitants. I do not believe it could ever possibly work... even on a laughably primitive planet like your own. However, as a favor to Vera, I agreed to seek your council.
Here is Dennis' moronic idea.
He thinks we can use your internet to start a website called "Visagetext". Visagetext will draw in users by providing them with a place to socialize, share stories and pictures, find old friends, get into groups with people who share a common interest, express themselves, reduce stress, connect people from different parts of the planet, learn more about friends and strangers, express their identity, consume goods, play games, and to read the news that they agree with.
Here's what he said mine would be like:
He actually had me for a second. Then I asked, "How many galactic credits will they earn for spending so much of their time on this site."
Do you want to know what he said?
I don't think you are ready.
You better sit down.
He said people would do this...
For the purpose of this inquiry, let us pretend that 2.2 billion of your planet's inhabitants would throw away their time like that.
So in this mythical universe, there are 2.2 billion users of Visagetext. But that does not answer the question of how The Empire will gain valuable intel on each of these morons.
Dennis had an answer for that. He thinks that not only will these dolts give away their time, they will willingly hand over the most valuable data of not only themselves... but of their friends as well!
He thinks all you need to do is to add some lines to something called a TOS and The Empire will be able to gather all the data we like. Here are some of his suggestions about what kind of information The Empire will be able to collect from or about your inhabitants::
Things you do and information you provide. We collect the content and other information you provide when you use our Services, including when you sign up for an account, create or share, and message or communicate with others. This can include information in or about the content you provide, such as the location of a photo or the date a file was created. We also collect information about how you use our Services, such as the types of content you view or engage with or the frequency and duration of your activities.
Things others do and information they provide. We also collect content and information that other people provide when they use our Services, including information about you, such as when they share a photo of you, send a message to you, or upload, sync or import your contact information.
Your networks and connections. We collect information about the people and groups you are connected to and how you interact with them, such as the people you communicate with the most or the groups you like to share with. We also collect contact information you provide if you upload, sync or import this information (such as an address book) from a device.
Information about payments. If you use our Services for purchases or financial transactions (like when you buy something on Visagetext, make a purchase in a game, or make a donation), we collect information about the purchase or transaction. This includes your payment information, such as your credit or debit card number and other card information, and other account and authentication information, as well as billing, shipping and contact details.
Device information. We collect information from or about the computers, phones, or other devices where you install or access our Services, depending on the permissions you’ve granted. We may associate the information we collect from your different devices, which helps us provide consistent Services across your devices. Here are some examples of the information we collect:
- Attributes such as the operating system, hardware version, device settings, file and software names and types, battery and signal strength, and device identifiers.
- Device locations, including specific geographic locations, such as through GPS, Bluetooth, or WiFi signals.
- Connection information such as the name of your mobile operator or ISP, browser type, language and time zone, mobile phone number and IP address.
Information from websites and apps that use our Services. We collect information when you visit or use third-party websites and apps that use our Services (like when they offer our Like button or Visagetext Log In or use our measurement and advertising services). This includes information about the websites and apps you visit, your use of our Services on those websites and apps, as well as information the developer or publisher of the app or website provides to you or us.
Information from third-party partners. We receive information about you and your activities on and off Visagetext from third-party partners, such as information from a partner when we jointly offer services or from an advertiser about your experiences or interactions with them.
Visagetext companies. We receive information about you from companies that are owned or operated by Visagetext , in accordance with their terms and policies. Learn more about these companies and their privacy policies.
He thinks 2.2 billion humans are going to agree to that?
And he's not done. Dennis thinks that he can get people to agree to let the Empire use any personal photos that morons post on Visagetext. And the Empire will be able to use them even if someone's friend posted them and the individual photographed doesn't give consent. And the photos can never really be deleted so Visagetext can use pictures of people's children in any way we want... forever!!!!
Sure 2.2 billion morons will agree to that!
But wait. There's more!
Dennis seriously thinks that Visagetext will be able to take all of this information that people willing gave them and sell it to firms that want to influence politics. Oh and he thinks that people will willing give these firms access to their friends' data as well. So in his little fantasy world, a few hundred thousand users agreeing to take a personality test would result in The Empire gaining intel on over 50 million humans.
That is preposterous! No one would ever do that!
The next thing he is going to tell me is that he will be able to use Visagetext collect call history and SMS data from Droids.
So loyal followers, please humor me. Dennis is an idiot right? No one on your planet would ever give that much power to a website. Correct?
But who would believe that is possible?
I swear I haven't laughed this much since I spent that weekend eating Funyuns with this guy.