I was surfing the internet looking for things to get mad about yesterday so I’d have something to write. I guess I’m getting soft in my old age. Thankfully it didn’t take long until I stumbled upon the fact that July 27th is “Take your houseplant for a walk day.”
“Proud plant-owners can show off their leafy friends to the neighborhood when Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day rolls around. The idea behind this day is to celebrate plants and to acquaint plants with their immediate environment, which is supposed to be healthy for them. Plant-owners can admire each others’ plants, and exchange stories and tips on plant-care.”
My immediate reaction was to choke on my beer and shout, “Man, fuck those guys!” to an empty room. I called my girlfriend in and pointed at the screen, going, "Fuck these guys, right?" First off, this naming every day as “Random Bullshit Day” has got to stop. Second, if you take your houseplant for a walk for any reason other than paranoid schizophrenia, you need to get checked out for paranoid schizophrenia. From this point forward I name July 28th “BOFA Day.” The idea behind this day is to celebrate bofa deez nuts, and to acquaint bofa deez nuts with their immediate environment, which is supposed to be healthy for them. Plant-owners can admire bofa deez nuts, and exchange stories and tips on bofa deez nuts.
I was driving home from work today and some jackass in a Cadillac sped up to close the gap so I couldn’t get onto the highway. He tailgated me for a mile just in case I didn’t know he was an asshole, then he backed off and started driving 50 so everyone behind him would also know he was an asshole. I angrily flicked my cigarette against the inside of my rolled up window and yelled, “Man, fuck that dude!” (Oh yeah, this fucker had a BABY ON BOARD sign on his window. Fuck that kid too, I guess.) Ten minutes later I was at a stoplight when some eating McDonald's while driving ham planet bitch drove into oncoming traffic to skip the line and hit the turning lane. Then she ran a red light. Man, fuck that chick. This ain't India bitch, we got rules. I’ll have a number two with a Dr. Pepper, and don’t forget to supersize deez nuts.
Jordan Peterson is all over the news for being wicked smaht and his complete lack of tact when confronted by idiots. The road to infamy started when he refused to give a shit about using everyone’s preferred pronoun, per a new school policy where he taught. The PC police cried foul and called him everything-phobic. He was like, “You can’t create policy telling people how to speak.” Blue haired trans pansexual genderqueer elfkins heard the words, but not what he was saying, over the sound of their sequined loudspeakers. Step back JP. I got your back.
If you have ever struggled with feeling like you are trapped in a body you don’t belong in, you have my support. If you are or have transitioned, or live as the gender your brain chemistry tells you that you are; I’ll use your preferred he/she. I’m not sure what I was supposed to call that Thai ladyboy or all those Mahus I “accidentally” went on dates with, but they should be called whatever they want. Then you got your hermaphrodites.
That’s like five genders, which is three more than our president recognizes. I’ll leave a blank spot for two more just because it is a big world and I don’t know what all's going on out there. Genderqueer pans labyrinth isn’t one of those options. If someone doesn’t understand the difference between gender, sexuality, and just being an annoying little shit who wants attention; Man, fuck that Genderqueer pans labyrinth ...thing. There are not 63 genders, but there are a whole lot of assholes.
But whatever. The point is “Call yourself whatever you want. Just don’t expect me to.” Let’s put this in a different perspective. Unless I am sitting in your office while you are wearing a white lab coat and I am paying you for permission to get access to life saving drugs (because I obviously live in America), don’t expect me to call you Doctor. Even other doctors at parties are like, “Man, fuck that doctor.” If you are my English professor and you demand I call you Dr. because you spent 10 years on your degree, then you can call me Dr. too, because I spent ten years on my P.H.Deez nuts!
Bacon is delicious. That is a fact. Can we all calm the fuck down now? I don’t need to see commercials for the new Baconator bacon sandwich with bacon with special bacon aioli sauce, topped with bacon. I don’t know who started this shit but man, fuck that guy. Do you want to be the dude who made bacon jump the shark? You know what else bacon goes great on? A plate. Next to goddamn eggs, and maybe a biscuit. Shit, fuck that guy for making me hungry.