(This post is obviously packed with my profane humor...and I do actually like these games to a degree but damn have they made me rage at one point or another!)
Let’s face it….there are games that can test your patience but pay off in the end and then are games that drive you to extremes from throwing the controller on the floor to causing you to get so frustrated that you shove your TV over and start punching your dick. The following games are in no particular order…
#1 Mario 64 – I probably beat Mario 64 well over a dozen times in the 90’s before putting the N64 up in the attic in the early 2000’s. I decided to dust it off a month ago and the rose colored glasses I wore are now stained with jizz — mainly from the in-game camera fucking me every chance it got. When the camera isn’t long-dicking you and causing you to rage….it’s the fucking lava heavy levels early on in the game. You make a poorly timed jump and Mario’s fat, spaghetti-slurping ass falls into lava and then proceeds into screaming and hopping high in the air…and making it almost impossible to land on solid ground. You will keep bouncing on lava until you’re good and pissed. I imagine that being scalded by lava hurts like hell but not nearly as painful as yelling “Fuck you!” at the top of your lungs at a game until your throat is as raw as postmenopausal vagina.
#2 Mario Golf (N64) – Two Mario games back to back, Mark? Are you serious? Yeah, Mario games can be a wealth of fun and excitement for you – so can premarital sex, masturbation and repairing bicycles. That doesn’t mean I want to sit naked giving myself a footjob while aligning a bike chain. When I play a game that involves playing golf – I want to live the complete experience by wearing a straw hat, Smuckers jelly inspired pants and have the confidence of knowing I can still achieve an erection unlike the majority of those that represent the golfing world.
Mario Golf is a bigger asshole than any stuffed-shirt douchebag who spends thousands to look like a Dobie Gillis-era bumpkin. I’m not saying that Mario Golf is a bad game – it can be a great way to piss away thirty minutes or so….but holy shit…you have to be a mix between “Good Will Hunting” and “Bagger Vance” to gauge how hard or soft to hit the ball. You could kill the ball and be on the green in one stroke to only get dicked out of a birdie or par because you were off by 1/1000th of an inch. Did you go an eyelash too fast? Well, the ball just popped in and out of the hole like your prom night except nine months later you’re selling this game. On the other hand….did you not power up your shot well enough? It’s not going in at all…in fact it’ll remind you of your fedora phase when the hole friendzones you by cutting you off at the last second.
#3: Killing Floor (PC): The idea of killing zombies or “zeds” is not an original idea by a long shot but it’s a wildly popular genre. I will go out on a limb and say that Killing Floor is an incredible game in either single player or multiplayer. If this game came out about ten years ago when I had no habiliment resembling a life…it would be an electronic form of crack that would have me up until the next morning and causing me to be late for work. However, the ways you can be killed on here are beyond cheap and it’s mainly from prepubescent teammates who enjoy welding doors and leaving you outside to be puked on by a Bloat (a really portly ‘Zed’) or by a Fleshpound that resembles a steroid abusing hybrid of a Teletubby and a Troll doll if it were balding.
Nothing can piss you off more than a know it all who has invested months of their life in the game who critiques your performance over the microphone as you are the last one standing to fight the final boss. You have to give these kind of neckbeards a reality check that it is a game! I remember fighting the Patriarch (boss) the first time and falling off a ledge and losing health to be told “That was dumb!” over the microphone. The way he rushed through the sentence was hiding the fact that his parents were probably in the background talking or…that his big bowl of cheese puffs probably got knocked on the floor next to the piles of sweat stained laundry that reeks of asshole that haven’t been cleaned in weeks.
#4 Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures (PC): The Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) is a wildly popular internet personality that is famous for making profanity-laden reviews of games that are absolutely abysmal. I have had many people tell me that I’m not “in” on the joke regarding this game. Yes, folks…I “get” the joke and it sucks massive amounts of ass. The aforementioned joke is that the game is supposed to be insanely difficult even on what one would consider to be normal difficulty because AVGN himself thought it would be great to share his pain with his fans. I would much rather feel the pain of farting with hemorrhoids than feel the pain again of paying $3.99 for a game that should be used for a DARE campaign. If someone thought that consuming drugs would result in the almost unbearable frustration that is strung along with this game such as reading the repetitive one-liners from the AVGN every time you died…drug use would be at absolute zero.
This game is just another case of someone slapping their name on a piece of shit and taking the high ground of “This is for hardcore gamers only! It is supposed to piss you off so you feel good when you beat it!” I don’t care what you have to say unless you’re making a sly reference to jerking off. Making a cheap cash-in on one’s name and making a half-assed game to torment people only appeals to masochists. Some people enjoy being burnt, cut or getting a fist up their ass…you got three dollars and ninety-nine cents from me as well as 30 minutes of gameplay before I received a refund….you maybe got three fingers in my ass but the entire fist was out of the question.