I don't talk much about myself anymore. Maybe that's because I have said too much already. Probably I have hinted what I am about to say before in my previous post but I think I want to make it as clear as possible. Just to offer some perspective and open a window into my mind and what drives me as an individual. I believe this is the only thing of value I have--my life and experience.
I just concluded watching season two of money heist. The best series I have this year. I tweeted something along this line yesterday:
All my favourite series about drugs and crime. Maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something.
I know I don't have the balls to take on the life of a criminal. If I did I would have a long time ago. Even the window is open for me as we speak but I think fear, being my philosophy and principle that guides all of my actions have deterred me from being stupid and being pressured into doing certain things.
Going back to the series, money heist. One of the scenes in the last episode kind of touched me because it brings to light my true motive and my reason for it. The scene had both the professor and the inspector in it. These two individuals are from two separate worlds but love and money brought them together. I'm not going to emphasize much about love, because clearly, I don't understand it anymore. But money... money
"What is this?" The professor asked, holding a banknote in his hand.
"What is it pegged to? What value does it have?"
Nothing. That was the answer. Unfortunately, this worthless piece of paper determines almost everything in our lives. I have lost two very important people in life because of this worthless piece of paper. It is something I cannot forget or forgive. But my rage is misplaced because I do not know how to or where to direct it and for the past one year I have been trying to do something with it.
In my earlier paragraph, I spoke about fear being my philosophy and principle. It determines most of my actions. Do you know what it feels like living in fear? I wake up every morning with the fear that I might lose my mum or any other person I care about because I do not have this worthless piece of paper.
Unlike many people, I'm not trying to live a life of luxury. I'm simply trying to conquer my fear and money. I'm not into cryptocurrency because I want to make the world a better place or become a billionaire or save for my pension. I'm here because I want to conquer my fears. I don't want to live my life on the margin, calculating every cent. I don't want to worry about life basic necessities, I want to live above them. I want to be free.
The world in its totality has lost meaning to me and that kind of amplifies my fear away. Once I'm able to cater for the people I care about, what would be my reason for being--for existing? I already feel empty when I'm not doing what I think I should be doing and that's making money. There are fewer things I care about or enjoy now. It seems the rest of the life I have left might be far more difficult than the life I have lived. For most people when they get older they try to feel the void in their lives with love, children, work, etc hopefully when I cross that bridge I would know what's best to distract myself.
To be continued