Stupid things I did as a kid: The sneeze

3개월 전

Around the age of seven I developed a regrettable habit that, whilst short-lived, was impactful. I'm not sure where I picked it up, maybe from a TV show or some such thing.

Now before I go on I'd like to say that I wasn't a bad kid...I was a bit of a thinker, kind, generous and quite selfless...But I was a cheeky little bugger sometimes, not in a bad way, just...Well, sort of mischievous I guess.

OK...So the habit? Loud-sneezing. Yep, loud-sneezing. I don't know why. Come on, I was seven...Who knows why I did anything at all? Certainly not me, or my parents either.

If I had a sneeze worked up I'd deploy it as loudly as I could, no matter where I was. Looking back I can understand how annoying and embarrassing it must have been for my parents but at the time...The coolest thing ever.

The best ones were when I'd string two or more together into a succession of sneezing, all done as loudly as possible. Oh yeah, it was awesome, for sure.

I'd get in trouble for it of course...But if you knew me you'd know that getting into trouble wasn't (isn't?) always a deterrent and so I deployed my new skill with increasing frequency and, in pursuit of continual-improvement, with an increasing decibel level. What an annoying little fucker I was!

I can't recall the time-span in which I deployed this stupid habit, I'd say weeks, however I recall the incident that ended it. Abruptly.



The story
My parents had a gathering of friends and acquaintances, I guess maybe 20 or so people. They socialised, ate some snacks and drank tea and coffee. All very civilised.

As people were leaving I was darting about, as kids tend to do, playing and probably trying to clean up some of the cakes or snacks like the seagull I was. All good so far.

I arrived at the front entrance of our house where my dad was saying goodbye to a couple just inside the front door. Right about then it happened...Sneeze initiated.

I could feel it building up, that little tingling sensation in my nose, the inhale of breath which needed to be massive considering the air needed to loud-sneeze. Ah yes, here it is...

AHHHHHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOO!

Loud-sneeze deployed, I thought with satisfaction.

The complications arose immediately though.

I stood there in my self-satisfied way, looking around wondering why no one was applauding my magnificent effort...But all I saw was a lady on the floor, my dad trying to revive her and my mum rushing in from the kitchen.

This is probably not going to end well for the G-dog, I thought.

You see, the lady was elderly and I'd sneezed directly behind her...She received the fright of her life, collapsed and was laying on the floor whilst three or four people tried to fan her and pat her face reassuringly. (None with any first-aid experience, I might add.)

That's about when I realised I was in trouble.

Fortunately the lady didn't have a heart attack and die; That would not have been good. I did my best to melt into the wall, too afraid to disappear altogether, but wishing I could. The lady was brought to her feet and offered a chair and some water. She recovered well. That old bugger was as strong as an ox it seemed - Almost impervious to any ailment, including loud-sneezing! A testament to the medical professionals back in 1979.

The guests dispersed quite rapidly from that point, probably not wishing to see the carnage due to ensue. The resilient old battle-axe left also.

My parents came in, quite understandably embarrassed and angry, and that's when I caught the look.

My mum was the disciplinarian in my household...I can't actually recall my dad ever touching me in anger...But mum? Yeah, she loved her a bit of discipline!

"YOU! Stand there", She said as she came back inside, pointing to a spot on the floor.

She spun away into the kitchen and came out brandishing a wooden cooking spoon.

Yeah nah...Not standing around waiting for that! I bolted up the hallway like a rat up a drainpipe.

I was fast, I mean I think I could have qualified for the 100m sprint at the Olympics...But Mum was nimble, and also fast...Damn her and those years of being a ballerina!

She caught up with me about half way down the long hallway and...

THWAAACK!

The wooden spoon connected with my tight little but cheek...

...Recall when I said I was a little cheeky and mischievous? That came in handy on this occasion. I was no novice when it came to the odd smack or two with a wooden spoon, hand or any other device that might have been brought to bear upon my long-suffering butt-cheeks.

So, at the most opportune moment, right before wooden-spoon/butt-cheek connection, I clenched. It was an amazing feat of muscle-control considering I was mid-stride.

The result was a pain free connection...And a wooden spoon broken in half. Shards of wooden spoon flew in all directions like tiny wooden missiles...But I was pain free - Adrenalin probably helped there too.

Thank you tight butt-cheek!

But my stupidity knew no bounds and even as I kept running I yelled out...

"Didn't even hurt!"

OK...Yeah I know...Stupid.



I know some of you are on team G-dog and want this story to end with me heading off into the sunset, butt-cheek intact, loud-sneezing all the way. Yet others are on team bad-ass mum and want me to get my just desserts.

So...I can confirm that I got what was coming to me...Not right then as I managed to exit the back door and run away from my mum...But later...Well, I received a punishment commensurate to my transgression. Another win for team bad-ass mum.

My career in loud sneezing ended that evening. I simply stopped.

With great power comes great responsibility and I decided the world was not quite ready for my loud-sneezing awesomeness yet. I haven't rekindled that flame to date either...And I don't have any expectations that I will to be honest.

Years later, the night before my mum died in fact, we laughed about that event, and many of my other youthful shenanigans. My mum was not in the best way at that time, but I related the story, much like I have here, and she managed a small smile. She was a shadow of herself, certainly not the mum I recalled chasing me nimbly up that hallway, but it was good to share that moment with her.

She was gone at 7am the next morning.

It's moments like this one that I look back upon fondly. Sure, I almost gave a lady a heart attack from sneezing too loudly, and my mum ruined a perfectly good wooden cooking spoon on my buns of steel...But they were good times...And valuable lessons...Always clench right before you get smacked with a wooden cooking spoon!

Thanks for reading.


Tomorrow isn't promised - Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default
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Discord: galenkp#9209 🇦🇺

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My kid used to do this cute and funny scream before sneezing (''aaaahhh''choo!) when he was just a baby. Like a cartoon character of some sort! It wasn't too loud, though. Definitely not so loud they'd scare someone off their feet. :'D

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Sneezing brings opportunity for one to take centre stage, do something creative...And spread germs. LOL!

WTF was I thinking?!

Hey, I was a kid so didn't know better.

How Ironic.... My twisted KrazzyTukker mind still is quite mis•chie•vous ......

We were in the Grocery Store. Just an hour ago, Raiding the shelves in a v̶i̶r̶u̶s̶ ̶c̶r̶a̶z̶e̶d̶ ̶p̶a̶n̶i̶c̶k̶ like a normal day B4 I leave out sort of way. When I said to Pooky "If one of us has to sneeze - do it loudly and yell" "Coronovirus"!!!

She informed Me how dumb of an idea that was.....

The Gathering.......

It is what Misses @pooky-jax and I have come 2 call it.

The Gathering is bi-weekly usually. And consists of stocking up on any needed food supplies, clean laundry, etc.

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Well, for the record I think loud sneezing CORONAVIRUS in the middle of the supermarket would have been funny, and completely legit behaviour from a grown adult. Why the fuck not? Lol.

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Don't encourage him!!

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Yes, I probably shouldn't huh? Lol.

"Didn't even hurt!" I cringed when I read that, visualizing how that was going to be taken.

When I was young I did something, can't even remember what, that prompted my dad to come after me. I thought to myself I am small and fast, I can outrun this big guy. So I took off running around the island we had in the middle of the kitchen. Turns out smarts outweighs speed as my dad just went the other way. I came around one end to find him waiting for me.

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Yeah, I was a bit dense as a kid it seems...The didn't even hurt comment didn't end well...But later in life, that ethos, the #neverquit ethos, stayed with me and served, (serves) me well. Life hurts sometimes, but I pretend it doesn't, and come back for me.

Thanks for commenting as always...And remember, island-kitchen benches are a 2-way affair...You were always going to loose that encounter...But you survived to fight another day... #neverquit

!ENGAGE 50

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Yeah, 6 or 7 year old me did not quite grasp the 2-way thing yet. At least not when coming up with the idea on the fly. I hope I am smarter than that now, although sometimes that could be debated.

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Haha, yes same goes for me...7 year olds can be ingenious huh? Lol.

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There's nothing funnier that kids butts moving away from a wooden spoon. Charming story, G. A little heartbreaking but sweet story and how you can't think of it without thinking of your Mum. How lovely you were all by her remembering these things.

I do like a loud sneeze with a theatrical extension ie a choo woo woo woo woo... but only around Jamie, lest I frighten old ladies.

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Haha, a good loud sneeze is a truly cathartic experience...Unless one has coronavirus of course...Or there's an old lady around. Lol.

This was a fun little piece to write...You know, I can still see the scene in my mind...Laughable now...But whilst I was running up that hallway...Well, I was running like my butt-cheeks relied upon it...And they did I guess.

Thanks for commenting. (Yes, a little sad at the end, but I hoped to convey the positives or having those little things to remember with mum at the end.)

!ENGAGE 25

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If you haven't had a wooden spoon broken across your backside as a kid, were you ever even a kid?

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I concur.

Lol. !ENGAGE 25

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At least you've grown out of your loud sneezes, my dad still employs this technique... And he's 64. I can even hear the trembling bouncing off these walls as I type this. Please, send help.

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Scaring an old lady half to death and copping a wooden spoon to the butt were motivation-enough for me to change my sneezing habits...I'm a quiet-sneezer now. Your dad sounds like a champ...Rockin' out the loud sneeze after all these years. Sounds like a stayer. Lol.

!ENGAGE 20

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You can imagine, mate. Watching my Youtube, scrolling through Steemit, listening to music, and then... This loud bellow comes in from across the house. A normal person would've thought Tripods from War of the Worlds have just dropped in, but no... It's just my dad, sneezing. Scared the tits out of me :o

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Bloody dad! No respect...Still, must be cool to have a loud-sneezing dad around to scare the bears away! 🤣

🐨🐻🐼

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Unfortunately, bears aren't native to Malaysia, not to my knowledge anyways. Still though, birds don't perch up on our balcony very often, maybe because they think a monster lives in our house. The upside, is that we don't see their crap on our car, so having a loud-sneezing, bellowing dad is a good thing I suppose :-)

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Sun bears are from Malaysia. But maybe you don't know because your dad scares them away? Lol.

Scares the birds, and the sun bears.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/s/sun-bear/

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Well darn, I didn't know that. I guess my dad's loud-ass sneezes have actually scared all the bears away. Here's a little high-five for you, from my Sun Bear friend :-)
image.png

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OMG, I can't believe I just high-fived a Sun bear! 🤣🐻

Lol.

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I vote for team bad-ass mum👍 and she did her job very well I would say bringing young G-dog into line at least for a little while 😁

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Haha, yeah I'll accept that. Me and my butt-cheeks were up to no good again soon enough...Always good to have a reminder of who was in command. Mum ran a pretty tight ship.

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Sorry, I forgot these...

!ENGAGE 20

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Cheers buddy 😀

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the best is when you try to keep a sneeze quiet an end up hurting yourself in the process :)

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Haha, yeah done that too...

Or...You sneeze, try to hold it in with closed mouth and it decides to make a rapid exit from the nose...Not good.

!ENGAGE 20

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oh the nose one can be embarrassing for sure. Or if you have food in your mouth and you can't delay the sneeze any longer and now you throw partially chewed tacos all over the table.

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Ah yes...The pain is real...Still, serves them right for sitting opposite at the table when we're sneezing right? 🤣

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"Didn't even hurt" has to be the dumbest sentence ever uttered; but we've all said it.

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Yeah, I said it a lot. Slow learner.

lol...smooth move sir galenkp! What was the punishment when you finally made it back home?

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I was beaten with a stick.

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But with your skillful butt cheek tightening move that was nothing right? lol.

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But with your skillful
Butt cheek tightening move that
Was nothing right? lol.

                 - janton


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