An entry into the Top3 Worst Movies Ever contest. Read all about it here: https://steempeak.com/hive-186561/@yourtop3/reminder-monthly-contest-what-are-your-top-3-least-favorite-movies
This particular month's contest is both easy and difficult at the same time. Easy because I can easily come up with four movies that make me want to vomit and/or gouge my eyes out with dull pencils every time I even hear of them, and difficult because to do this I need to actually spend the time to do it - precious time in a day already shortened by Daylight Savings Time that I will never get back.
Anyway, here are - in order even! - the four worst movies of all time. Plus a bonus payout at the end.
Movie 1: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
This movie has what everything a movie should have in it:
- Liam Neeson. I have a mancrush on Liam Neeson.
- Ewan McGregor. I also have a mancrush on him.
- Darth Maul. I don't care who's under the makeup. Darth Maul kicks ass.
Unfortunately, that's all this movie has going for it. Aside from those three, it's filled with bad acting, a shitty plot, and midichlorians. WTF? Midichlorians? Disney decided to take the best part of Star Wars - The Force - and reduce it to bacteria??
And serious, WTH did Darth Maul have to die while Jar Jar Binks lived? He could have been the villain right through the end of episode 3! Good god, if you have this movie, please destroy it.
Movie 2: Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi
The second movie in a completely unnecessary trilogy. This movie had nothing going for it. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I did not grow up idolising Luke Skywalker as a character (I've never been a fanboy of anything) but I always admired what he stood for: tenacity, determination, and the belief of right over wrong. He was Everyman's Superman. He faced insurmountable odds and did so with bravery and conviction.
And then they turned him into a snivelling coward. Unforgivable.
Imagine Superman cowering away like that. "Oh no, I made a mistake! I'm going into self-imposed exile forever! WAAHH!"
Movie 3: Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalker
Oh my god. 🤮
I can't even begin to amass the plot holes. At the end of Episode 8 the entire "Resistance" is reduced from an entire Republic to about 8 people. Now, suddenly, they have an entire army again.
Let's not miss that the plot is just a repeat of Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (which misses this Top 4, but only for reasons I'll explain later, even though the name itself is mockable).
The entire movie was rushed - surely, that was because it had to try to make up for the huge craphole that was Episode 8 - but bringing back Palpatine in the last few minutes, just to resurrect him and kill him was lame. The only saving grace this movie could have had - and missed - was the opportunity for Palpatine to wheeze out, "Rey, I am your grandfather."
Seriously, more daddy issues? barf
I didn't even care that Kylo Ren died. Frankly, I didn't care when Rey died either. I had no emotional investment in any of these characters at all. None.
Movie 4: Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens
This is last on the list because it was almost a good movie. It had Han Solo! And Chewbacca! I wasn't impressed with how they were forced plotwise into their current situation (it seems as if the producer wanted Han to be a smuggler again, so shoe-horned a situation to allow for it), but I loved seeing them. And the cliffhanger with Luke Skywalker at the end was brilliant! I loved that!
There was no emotional investment in any of the other characters. None. I kinda liked Finn when he realised he shouldn't be a Stormtrooper, but then he turned into a cardboard cutout of a hero. The other characters... meh. And I missed R2D2. He was always my favourite.
Unfortunately, quite frankly, this was just the beginning of a completely unnecessary trilogy. The storytelling and stories were bland, unoriginal, and boring, which they tried to cover up with awesome special effects. Frankly, I'd rather have a great story. Look at the awesome movies from the 40s, 50s, and 60s. Special effects were limited, and so those film maker had to rely on great storytelling and character development.
So, I did say at the beginning of the post that I would have a bonus payout of sorts at the end. This is... my take on Star Wars.
Star Wars is a great space opera that tells an age old story of good vs evil and winning against all odds. It's not a new story. All of the Star Wars character from the only trilogy that counts fit right into Joseph Campbell's Hero of a Thousand faces. Episodes 4-6 succeed because of the emotional investment in the characters and their plight. They're all underdogs coming together to right a wrong, even if they think it's impossible. Even Darth Vader is a sympathetic character.
Despite what anyone says, Star Wars is really the story of Luke Skywalker. It's not the story of Anakin, or the Skywalker family, or even of the Force. It's Luke's story, and it's his story of courage and bravery, and redemption for his family. It's almost like an old Norse Saga, except with a happy ending.
The first trilogy tried to turn Star Wars into Anakin's story. By Episode 2, however, we were all ready for him to get melted and turn into Vader. There was really no reason for it. No one cared.
The third trilogy I will speak no more of.
My gift to you:
Knowing that Star Wars is the story of Luke, this is the correct way to watch the series:
Episode 4: A New Hope. In episode 4, we're introduced to Luke and see him begin to grow as the hero we want him to be.
Episode 5: The Empire Strike Back. Holy shit! At the end of Episode 4 our hero's felt good and positive, and like they had a chance. By the end of Episode 5 all hell has broken loose! Han has become a statue. Luke has had the shit beat out of him by Vader physically, then tormented mentally! He's broken! How the hell did we get to this point?
Episode 2: Attack of the
ClownsClones. This is the flashback. When Episode 5 is over all looks bleak and hopeless. Now we need to go back to Episode 2 and 3 to see just how we got to this point. What happened to a nice kid like Anakin to turn him into a raging cyborg?
Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. Still a sucky movie, but useful to see the final transformation of Anakin into Vader. That's the only payoff.
Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. The final payoff! All hell has broken loose, we know why Vader is such a badass, and it's all up to Luke to make things right! By the end of the movie we're standing in the theatre cheering and knowing that all is right with the world.
And that, my friends, is how Star Wars is intended to be watched.
(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe