The unbearable feeling of living with anxiety
I needed an "escape" plan whether it was going to the bakery for bread, or to buy something that was missing in my kitchen.
Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. The rational part of my brain knew it, but at the critical point of this new terror, I was not able to assimilate it. I couldn't accept that my brain had gotten tired of fearing itself, that depression had become a symptom of my overload anxiety. That, for me, was a failure.
All my life I have been afraid to go out, and even if I am accompanied, I can feel how fear consumes even the deepest part of my being. Before this quarantine, before being a mother, I could spend weeks even months, locked in my house. Before discovering what was happening with me, before discovering what was happening in my mind, in my head, and knowing that I have a lifelong illness, I never liked going out, not even getting so close to people.
I felt, for the first time in my life, rationally suicidal or, more accurately, desperate to find a tangible end to this hell. Not that he wanted to die, but he didn't want to live in fear of the next minute.
Currently it is extremely difficult to deal with anxiety, constant tachycardia, not being able to organize myself correctly and do things calmly, because I feel that if I do not do everything in a hurry, I feel that something is going to happen, for 2 years the anxiety has worsened. Although I am taking a medication that is for life, due to a neourological problem, and I am aware that my brain does not work well
That feeling of discomfort that settles in the pit of the stomach, that invades our mind when we finally try to fall asleep, that feeling of being afraid of doing things as trivial as going outside, or going to work. Living with anxiety can be hell and people who suffer from it know it. Anxiety is the combination of thoughts and own physiological reactions, related to the fear of something bad happening that is beyond our control.
The mixture of fear and anxiety is getting stronger and stronger, and with this quarantine it has gotten worse. Accept that there are things that are out of my control, and the struggle that this requires every day is very exhausting. There are days that I don't want to get out of bed, there are days that I just want to be alone with my thoughts. I can't talk about this with anyone, and I must always hide all of this from everyone so as not to be singled out or judged.
PHOTO: TAKEN BY ANDREA C (MYSELF)
PLACE: JUAN GRIEGO