For the past few days, I've been stuck in a senseless torment created by my own actions which, among many issues also created a writer's block. Like I’m unable to write anything. So for the past seven days, I've been trying to find my way out of this mess but I'm failing horribly.
So many things are going wrong now it almost feels like a divine joke on me. And even now, while I'm writing this shit post filled with nagging about my self-desecration, I feel like a sentient egg pooped out by a bird from miles above in the sky waiting to hit rock bottom any moment now.
It all started with a single thought of self-awakening which the generation z refers to as being woke. What the hell am I doing with my life? And it ignited a fuse, which instead triggers an existential crisis.
Throughout my life, I had so many ambitions. Not only for the sake of choosing a path, destiny, and all, not because of all that, but with passion, I wanted to become a film director. But, fate intervened.
It was my first day in college. And as I said, like a divine comedy and all the other teenage drama films, I fell I love. She was freakishly tall, even more than me. My varsity life started with criminology and her brown yet clear eyes.
Like all the other fat backbenchers, I entered the room, scanned for the safe seat to avoid the teacher’s eyes and viola, I found it, my sanctuary, the last row which over the years I and my friends came to know as the Boys Club.
It was by chance not by choice that I came to study criminology. And so it was initially hard for me to gain focus. In the introductory class, I was sitting in the very back keeping my head down and listening to music in an attempt to avoid the blabbering coming out of the mouth of an insanely obese teacher, almost like those you get to see in discovery. So I escaped to the harsh world of Metallica. Suddenly I noticed, everybody was looking at me. The teacher was asking me to stand up, and that’s when she looked at me.
That class gave me an appearance of that “all-knowing nerdy” idiot. But she was the greatest thing that came out of it. Somehow I managed to date her for two years. Within this period, I took her to fish and even picnic like I was back in the ’90s. That's what she liked, at least that’s what I gathered from all she said about her.
Also in that time frame, I become uber enthusiastic about my career, took film and literature classes. Everything was picture perfect until when I discovered she was double-timing me.
She was with another guy before I met her and I was her rebound. They were on and off again and again, even when she was with me. In the summer of 2018, she told me she was going to stay at her grandma's for two weeks. Later I found out that she was with him all along.
This broke my heart into pieces. I was doing so well before and at that moment she took my soul away. For months I only thought about all the dreams and promises she made in our most private moments and how it all was a lie. Ad this resulted in one of my most ugly breakups. The classic tale of betrayal.
I dropped out of all the good things happening in my life and chose drugs over it like a little bitch. When my friends were improving their life at an unprecedented rate, I was drowning in fantasy.
It took me a while to get a hold on my addictions, but I could never let go. For the next year, I took part-time jobs and smoked all the money I had. But I scarred myself that hurts even now.
With enough support from my peeps, I've almost successfully got rid of any addiction I had. Trying to improve myself, but at some nights, I would have nightmares from which I would wake with a deep thirst for relapse.
So that thought I mentioned previously? it was like a moment of enlightenment like the cavemen finding fire. But I don’t know what to do with it. Like I have lost my direction in life which is causing me to loop back again and again to only that question, what am I doing with my life?