I have said words. Painful ones. Words I'd like to take back.
Sometimes, being able to travel back in time and make sure you keep your mouth shut would be a real blessing.
Apologies are done, assurances of care and friendship sent but not received...
All of it because I painfully craved being heard and understood...
I am a tough cookie... so tough people don't see when I'm actually drowning because I am good at juggling things and living on the edge...
I don't always show the storms going on inside. I have my traumas, I am working on healing them. I am a messy work in progress. He has his own, but not really working on them yet.
When I feel I am a bit more struggling, and I don't feel heard... Despair hits. I don't say much but it says a lot in my head. I feel like I scream what is going on... but it is visibly not clear... and people don't react as I hope... A bit more despair and the images I fall back on to try to break through usually then shock and get people away from what I was trying to convey.
It's so upsetting when you see something not working, being caught in a loop of deafness, and the more you try to explain and fix, the more damage you do... It's properly exhausting. It also hurt my need for fairness when rules apply only to one person and not the other.
I have the 43/23.
I am Hope motivation.
I should pause and reflect when I am pulled to fix. I know with my mind that things aren't correct when I want to fix... and yet, too new to live it all, I still tried and spoke...
Now living the consequences and being heart-broken I hurt the feelings of someone I love.
But what to do if I don't speak out?
It doesn't feel genuine to stick to small talk. It makes me feel bitter to not have my very basic needs acknowledged... not even filled, just acknowledged.
I've been told words are easy, acts are the hards parts. I believe it too but I also know not everyone can give 100% all the time. It fucking hurts right now...
It hurts I am not in a position to help, it hurts that my friend thinks I don't care because I can't show love the way he wants to receive it, it hurts that I can't have my hurt acknowledged. It hurts I lost someone that called himself my Human for life. It hurts that all the hopes and dreams he created have gone.
Now I have a long trip ahead of me and being on the road is always a great place for me to reflect on events.
If you ever had been stuck between your love or someone, your desire to be of help but being unable to because you were yourself out of energy and strength... How did you navigate that?
PS I ache but I am resilient so I will bounce back, always do. so even when I feel I'm drowning, I know there's something coming to sort things out, and I know how to take care of myself. <3