This morning a little thing happened. Somebody set a logical boundary with me. There was no emotion involved. It's a professional thing. Logical me knew this wasn't a problem. But I was kind of sad. I checked in with myself. Huh. Something was off. Was it this boundary? I didn't want the inconvenience. I wanted to move happily forward with my day. Maybe I'm bored. What do I want to feel. Hmm. Still feelin' a little down. Went for my morning jog in the beautiful early morning sunshine and was just with myself. The bottom line was I was a little sad.
Ok, I had been trying to be supportive. I was showing affection and showing support and showing how proud I was.
I guess I was rejected, wasn't I? Logically, no. I understood the boundary. Totally understood it.
But it triggered a toxic belief.
Maybe I've felt kind of neglected throughout my life.
And maybe it's just perfectly natural that even a little tiny bit of rejection still feels like rejection. Even if it logically makes sense.
Our inner children aren't logical. They've suffered.
Sometimes I see people who are in such a dire state of survival mode that their selves are completely and utterly neglected.
When we're new to this planet things happen that we don't know how to handle. In fact, it happens throughout our lives. And we have to keep going. We have to survive. In survival mode, you don't have the luxury to feel your feelings. You just have to keep going. And I see that the traumas that the people I work with endured logically wouldn't be considered traumas. But things happen to people that they don't know how to deal with that are hard for them and then they snap into survival mode.
Over time, the self gets so muted that its voice is completely drowned out. Drugs to cope. Work to prove your worth. Survival mode.
Your tank is on empty.
You can't run on empty for long.
People are desperate not to face themselves because they don't know how. It's been so long. It would be so overwhelming. What would they see after all these years? And many times ALLLL of this is just the result of a misunderstanding early in life. Something that happened that little new-to-earth-you just didn't know how to handle that overwhelmed you. And you stayed there.
So then people inevitably get sick because that's what happens when your fuel tank is empty. And they see that sickness as an inconvenience. They just want to get back to that comfortably numb place again. They don't want to be shaken.
But that's not the way life works. You can go to the doctor and suppress the symptoms if you want. More will show up somewhere else.
You can't run away from yourself.
When I showed up for myself today, there was a part of me that just basked in my higher self's love and attention. It needed to be seen. We need to visit these toxic beliefs and these wounds with our connection to infinite love. That is the healing process. We need soothing. We need understanding.
From that place we can change our toxic beliefs and toxic stories. People who practice Law of Attraction teachings (I'm one of them.) want to gloss right over. Sometimes that's the right thing to do. Sometimes we don't need to engage in our old stories.
But the human part of us really needs that visit from the infinite part of us sometimes. The two need to connect. It's not very helpful to run around and around in your mind trying to figure out why and self diagnose. But it is very helpful to soothe ourselves. To show self compassion. To make peace with where we are.
You can't run.
I'm glad that I didn't give in to the part of me that didn't want to be inconvenienced. I would have started my day off. And then I would have had more off experiences that would have made the snowball bigger. I'm glad I addressed it at the beginning when it was very manageable. There was a time when my entire life was consumed with seeing inconvenient things. (Inconvenient being an understatement.) I've done this process with all the really hard stuff. And now I just have some little hairs stuck in my craw like this.
Healing is an inward journey of self discovery.
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