Nowhere Is Home Anymore

작년

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It's funny; I fled the throes of Illinois only to move in with controlling Christians.

Sometimes, I feel like I see it all. The devil gives big dicks and big tits to his devilish minions, seeping into them before they're even born. Normal people like me then have to live with them forever.

How do I empathize with someone, such as my cousin, born into an easy life and got hooked on drugs. I can vividly remember him bragging about his dick size and how he used to bag women, yet somehow he was magically a virgin when he married his wife. What a nice little lie you wrapped up in a bow. How does someone milk a social disorder so much and yet when we're driving in the car together or alone, he shows his true colors. Oh, that poor liar.

I guess it runs in the family. His father - my uncle, was director of a giant retail grocery store, the salary of which built an egomaniac. But then again, his bragging of how he "played the field" before he met my highly religious aunt 30 some-odd years ago tells me he was always this way. Yet he says he used to be reserved.

Why did I come here?

I forgot these people I call family were like this.

How is it that the religious, supposed good-girl, ends up with someone like that? I say that, but one look below a foot from her face and you'll see her big fake tits she got years ago in a boob job. Which again tells me...maybe she, too, was always that way.

I blame myself for giving up as a teenager. The depression I threw myself into has made me invisible from the man I was on my way to becoming.

I thought I had a possibly good job here. I thought it was temp-to-hire, but I'm now told it was temporary all along. That could be the case, but something surely tells me they'd make a hire if they found someone they deemed as "the right fit". But just exactly what is "the right fit"? The coddled, 22 year old, black collegiate athlete completing half the work of not only myself, but even the new-hires. She left the position recently for "personal reasons". And as we were informed of her departure, the supervisor spoke glowingly of her.

Or maybe it's the new Hispanic female who clearly has one goal in mind since working with us - ousting me as "the top dog". As a data entry operator, we complete packets of information and then track how many packets we've completed and we can all see what we've completed on a live spreadsheet. I was doing roughly 35 a day before bowling ball Hispanic gal came running in like she was trying to cure world hunger via data entry. I happened to look and see how everyone was doing on the spreadsheet early last week and she was basically neck and neck with me. Thus, I kicked it into overdrive and kept pace with her and ended up doing 49 to her 42 or so.

In the days since, she then seemed to pretty clearly make 40 her daily quota. To which, I had just finished 42 to her 40 yesterday. So, today, I ended up with 40 unintentionally. I mean it was a bit of a goal, but I wasn't doing what she was doing - which was clearly aiming for 40 and then stopping. 40 seemed like a number that was becoming somewhat of the norm so I was fine with hitting that number.

Of course, one day after hitting 42 to her 40, and the day in which I settle for 40, she decides to go and reach 45 or more.

I just don't really care.

Maybe she is making mistakes. I don't know. It's not so much that it bothers me within itself, it's that my supervisor had previously referred to me as "lone ranger boy" and I still have no idea if she and the company are looking for someone to hire and if they think highly of me. I'm pretty much permanently invisible and stuck within myself so I wouldn't know. I'm mostly inclined to think that I'm just a temp peon they know they're getting cheap, good work from. I don't really expect any less from American degree-holders who are deemed worth more as human beings in all facets. I have an associate's degree, but that's pretty much a piece of toilet paper in comparison to a four-year degree.

Granted, I don't have 5, 10, 15, 20 years of data entry experience so maybe I am being critical.

I know I sound like a little bitch who grew up and found out life was hard. There's some truth to that, but maybe I place value on the little things - like not cussing like a sailor like my boss. Mind you, who has curled her lip while looking at me and acted sexually around me.

Or like going back and fixing the past completed packets of information when I realize I had been doing something incorrectly. Of course, the good old American mobsters likely have people employed to go back and correct those anyway so I'm wasting my time.

Just feels like I ended up in hell and God's saying, "love it". This isn't the American Dream.

I'm left to wonder if Hawaii is any different. Or Canada. I know, to an extent, if you do your job, you don't really have to worry about repercussions, but when you're in the dirt like me, the day's a bit harder. I'm a burrowed bug who cares for the little things. You'll let me crawl along your finger for a second before flicking me into the grass or stomping on me in a desensitized frenzy.

I don't understand the logic. If my boss calls me a nickname, curses all the time, praises a low volume of work and not a higher volume, how do I end up being the one the mob wants dead or has a vendetta against? Running a business, don't you...want...effective workers? Is it really all this political?

If I'm not missing something, the only answer is that I really am in hell.

It would make sense, too. Look at the world. COVID-19. Lunatic liberals vs slightly less lunatic republicans. An obvious pedophile ring involving the world's elite that we apparently can't bring justice to.

Why can't I just put my 8 hours in and go home and not be lectured by sinning Christians who think because they pray, they're great people. I've never met such egomaniacs. They want to mold me, change me, and it's frightening.

It's not even like I earn a huge salary - it's 13$ an hour. Which is still the most I've made at a job and I'm not saying it's a poor wage, but companies shit out my 450$ weekly check in earnings in minutes. I'm not stupid. I know some of my superiors probably make close to 6 figures or better.

My big dick liar of a cousin recently got hired on as a temp, also making 50K a year.

The world is weird. Or at least America is. I guess I'll just keep going to work, putting on my headphones, and doing my job as a data entry operator and hope the devil doesn't get me, but something tells me it will.

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