Ma Hootie



Ah cood wit ma hootie!

Bellowed the new guy, Pork-Shin sitting at the row of desks in front of me. He seemed very proud of himself as if he had discovered he had grown a spare penis whilst having his breakfast cereal.

I beg your pardon?

I called over in my finest and most comprehensible way.

Up ma hawnie! Heer we go!

Pork-Shin stood up and mimed swinging a golf club.


I chewed my tongue as if it were a lady-finger.

Sorry. I don't think I can understand you?

I said and indeed for once I was apologetic. Pork-Shin was English and very posh. His accent stuck out among us guttural apes of the North by a mile. It felt like we were working with the Queen sometimes.

He walked closer to me and spoke again. This time more clearly.

Don't you like it? I have been practicing, I think I am getting pretty good!

He exclaimed, holding his shitty little hands out in front of his chest like a beaver when sniffing the air for danger.


I gave him a sideways look and raised an eyebrow.

Practicing what, exactly?

I said slowly, in the same tone of voice I use when attempting to lure large toads out from the undergrowth.

Echty bechty humphy anaw!

He yelled, slapping his thigh with one hand.

I felt a vague tickling of comprehension form in my head.


Is that... American? Are you speaking in an American accent?

I asked warily. Pork-Shin had only been here a week or so and I had no idea if he was a dangerous kind of loon or just a dick.

What? No! It's not American.

Pork-Shin looked crestfallen then brightened.

This is American...

He screwed up his face and leaned over to the side as if he was suffering from a stroke.

Hoiya git outta heya, ya bum.

I narrowed my eyes.

Isn't that Welsh?

What?! No! It's not blooming Welsh. Anyway. Didn't you understand the first one? Hochy bochy noo?

I shook my head. He was either possessed by devils or talking gibberish. I was leaning more to the devil possession.


It's Scottish?!

Pork-Shin exclaimed somewhat belligerently.

You must have realised, surely? Are you just pulling my leg?

I drew in a big breath of air and let it out in a big shmoosh of a breath. I waggled a finger at Pork-Shin in warning.

Are you being racist?

He jerked back as if stung.

Erm, no? I'm just having a laugh. A joke, you know?

I made a face as if he had just danced against my leg like a dog after drinking vinegar.

Racist Bastard.

I plugged my headphones in and shook my head, steadfastly ignoring his protestations of innocence.

I had an inward chuckle. That will learn him.

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  ·  작년

Nothing like a good Scottish talking to to send him to school! That basturt!


It's all about teachin then bastarts!!

  ·  작년

haha! sir meesterboom! oh man, you were just toying with that poor guys emotions, that was cruel! lol...did you talk to him later so he didn't feel too crushed?


Yeah, I only have him the silent treatment for a minute or two then gave him a playful slagging off :0)

  ·  작년

sir meesterboom, I think that sounds generous of you.."slagging off" meaning..what exactly?


Oh lol, sorry. A language barrier. I just sort of joked with him about his shit scottish accent!

  ·  작년

oh ok, I get it. thank you sir meesterboom. He should know better!

Everything's American even if it isn't.


America is it!

I wonder if your colleagues have any inkling that you give them names like pork-shin in your writing. I hope not - it seems like a lot of fun to be sitting at your desk subtly smirking about it. I know from experience.

An extra penis does seem handy. Take that as you will.


One would assume it would be most handy!

They will never know unless surely becomes Louie swim and one of them joins, ha!

.having had a scouse, Glaswegian and a cockney, after a pint or two, arguing about something, it is an evenings entertainment in its self.
I had no idea what they were arguing about, it was undecipherable.


They probably didn't know themselves. Scouse is almost indecipherable!!

  ·  작년

You really shouldn't allow Sassenachs to come that far north. No good can come of it.


We try not to but the government so far has refused a hard border!

Way to learn the Scottish bastard.

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Gotta teach them bassas! :0)

Well technically it would be xenophoic, as I am assuming you are both white (that's race) but this still made me laugh. you'd not want to hear My Scottish accent that is for sure.


I bet it would make me chuckle no end!

  ·  작년

I think that is not only offensive but rude - yes let him feel bad and sit in the corner for a while


Haha, he was trying to be funny just in an awfully rubbish way. I let him stew for a good while!

  ·  작년

I hate it when somebody does that, even if they just try to be funny, because first of all they do not sound like you do, usually end up sounding like a commoner of some sort. Same with doing the South African English or Afrikaans in a movie - it sounds like we are inbreds between England and Australia and do not know where we belong - and yes some languages do sound strange with the accents, but leave it alone.... it is my language to mock, not yours dammit
What was he saying in anycase?


I never got to the bottom of what he was saying. He went just doing the accent he was attempting old Scots as well which is fecking indecipherable to just about everyone!!

Every single time I'm watching a TV show that has an English guy with an accent I can't understand half of what he is saying... I always have to turn on the subtitles! I mean, I'm from a region of my country with accent but everyone can understand me, but if u go to ireland, scotland and Britain I can only understand British people... Especially Irish people! I'm always trying to figure out if they are speaking normally or are just drunk... it normally ends up being both ahaha


The drunk thing always ends up being a feature!! It is probably the worst thing for communication and yet if you are drunk too everything seems clear!

Indeed, that will learn him good! Of course to my hillbilly gypsy ears, everyone in the UK sounds like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins! LOL


Haha, he is a particular source of merriment to us all!!

Hello @meesterboom, thank you for sharing this creative work! We just stopped by to say that you've been upvoted by the @creativecrypto magazine. The Creative Crypto is all about art on the blockchain and learning from creatives like you. Looking forward to crossing paths again soon. Steem on!


Thank you, I am grateful as always!

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Is there always a special feelings attached to been an american


I don't know, it might be something to ask one!


You could ask me, my 'special' feeling is just shame...that's a feeling right? ;)


Hehe, oh yes indeed that's a feeling!!