No Two Ways

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I hear it's your birthday this weekend?

Said a creepy cracked sounding voice.

I looked up from the very important defect analysis chart I was pissing about with making.

It was Jimmy Two Ways, an old duffer at my work who seemed to have mastered the art of looking like someone who has shat themselves and let it dry in.

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Why? You wanting to give me a birthday kiss?

I said, puckering my lips up in a juicy wanton way.

Jimmy Two Ways reeled back a bit.

Aye right, fuck off.

He said, no doubt terrified that a kiss would lead to a frenzied wanking session in which he would end up sobbing on the floor caked in my jizzum.

Why you asking then?

I said as I put away the beautiful ham-spankers on my face.

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Just wondering, you know. A few of us were talking, you know. Like, wondering, eh?

I leaned back in my chair and took a long and disdainful sniff in through my incredibly handsome nostrils.

Wondering what? Your last sentence was just fucking gibberish?

I said in the most diplomatic way I know.

Jimmy Two Ways grinned, that knowing grin of a man who has ejaculated in one too many cantaloupes.

You know, like what age are you gonna be then?

A silence descended upon the office.

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I narrowed an eye and thrust my gaze menacingly at Jimmy Two Ways.

He looked about nervously but carried on.

I mean, I was thinking you were probably the same age as myself?

He chuckled as if he had told a particularly fine joke.

Outside the office window a horde of birds flew into the sky skrawking in terror.

And what age would that be?

I asked suspiciously.

Well, I am 50!

Said the leathery faced old creature that was Jimmy Two Ways.

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What??! You cheeky old bastard, I won't be fucking 50 on my birthday, fuck off.

Rip Van Wrinkle looked a tad miffed that I wasn't in immediate danger of joining his Old Badgers Near Death club.

Well what age are you then?

He asked huffily as if trying out jade vagina eggs and finding them not to his liking.

I stood and collected my coffee cup.

Younger than you Jimmy boy, way younger than you.

50... Pffft, cheek.

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Doesn't he know that it's rude to ask men their age!? I mean... ugh! What are we in the 2000's??

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I thought the very same as I adjusted my panties which seemed to have gotten all up in a bunch!

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hahaha! Jimmy Two ways..lol..how did he get THAT nickname? That art that he has mastered is pretty amazing! Oh man sir meesterboom, I haven't laughed that hard since your last post! Plus that arwork on top is fantastic!

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Lol, his nickname origin is very good. It's his actual real nickname instead of the made up ones by myself, although I did make it up to start with but it caught on. He goes to a pub called The Two Ways at lunchtimes and often gets drunk! Hence, Jimmy Two Ways!

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haha! That's a great one indeed! Does he come back to work drunk and everyone is ok with that?

They were hoping for an invite to some major do it seems. What I would do is have a cake made saying happy 35 on it. That would put a spanner in the works. Office staff are so easy to play and manipulate that they could be your toys. Are we by any chance having extra beers on the Saturday taste so we can see you get partially wasted.

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I am certainly having a bit of a beer on Saturday but don't know if I will be featuring more than two. I have to save done effort for the actual drinking and carousing after all!! ;0)

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Well on your way though 8-). Congrats!

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Ha, this much is true!

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I am turning 50 in December and honestly I cannot wrap my head around it because in my head I am still 40 or younger - It feels like the end of the world to me so I am really trying to get my head right. It is not that bad, even though I have always thought of it as ancient, but then I look at people I know that are 60 and 70 and still enjoying life to the fullest and I decide age is just a number and in my head the number is much lower...

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I think that's the important thing is to be healthy and well and enjoy life. You have my sympathies though, I am only just over the half way mark to 50 and I am feeling the pain of getting over the hump!

Age is only a number, shortly you won't remember that number, so, age doesn't matter.
Age only matters when you can't mount a filly and ride off into the sunset, yelling "Hi Ho Silver"

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You are completely right. It's not the aging that gets me, it's the being confused for much older that did, lol!!

The nerve of that crone, trying to lump you in with him! As if! Great men like you start aging backwards anyway ;0)

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Lol exactly... What... hey!!!

HAHAHA!! Indeed, I am as for as a fiddle and as young as a flibbertigibbet!! :0D

I had a feeling it would be this number, only from your wordy hints though, and not the video footage, of course.

I wish you a fantastic weekend of flange and fine ale, hoping you turn up to beer Saturday half cut, swearing like a Scotsman.... The habit of a lifetime doesn't bow to Birthdays!

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Oil!! It's definitely not that number!!! I am a fair few years below!! Yaaaargh!!!

There will hopefully be much flange.. beer too ;0)

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😀😀😀😀

You said it was a big birthday! I'm not counting even 45 a 'quite big'. That what you get for over-egging!

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Did I say big? Fuck. I just meant I was having a big celebration!! Lol, it's no milestone, phew. I was worried I was starting to look way older than I was!!!

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Maybe it was big celebration but i though there was a specific numerical reason!

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Fuck no, when it comes to the big 50 I will be open and weepy!! Lol!

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Those words remind me of a 50 year old I met this one time, but as they say in these parts, a gentleman never tells :D

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That 50 year old sounds like a fanny :0D

Using this kind of lingo will restrict your understanding audience probably just to residents of the UK.

They had to make subtitles for Trainspotting for the US audience, and the likes of 'The In-Betweeners' didn't catch on as they 'didn't get it'.

Keep on with the stories.. and the lingo I say.. more jizzum, flange (oops thats mine) and plenty of bollocks please.

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I like flange!! Literally and figuratively!! Lol

Yeah, I tend not to give a hoot for the understanding, it always seems that others don't and it amuses me no end!! :0)

Now you'll be getting all sorts of weird questions about your age in here lol
Oh and Happy bday :)

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Haha, it ain't came yet. I am clutching in to my last day or two of youth!! But cheers!!

I'm reading this while at the beach and I just got hit on by an "old dude" that looks about 50. I had that "old dude" thought, and then I realized that I'm in my 30s and I've passed the cusp. I'm officially in the get-hit-on-by-50-year-olds age. Nothing wrong with that. 50 year olds have way better lines, they actually know how to hold a conversation and/or have more experience with coming up with amusing ways to describe things, like this:

He asked huffily as if trying out jade vagina eggs and finding them not to his liking.

Congrats on all that vulgar 50 year old wisdom. Not that you are 50...of course.

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I am only going to be a little tad over my mid-forties!! Under no circumstances will I be 50 for at least for some years!!! Raaar! Poor overestimated age me!!

Although I must say, I do love a lady in her thirties!! Maybe I am fifty in the mind, lol!!

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Ha, happy mid-forties then.

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Hurrah!! Cheers !!

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Haha that's the spirit!!! Cheers!

Happy birthday and all that... all very interesting, what a cheek, the gall of some Jimmys, yadda, yadda..... now, let's get back to that defect sheet... got some mad conditional formatting in there? Do we get to yell at any consultants today?

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I love conditional formatting. It's how I do my colours!!

The consultants all got an easy ride today!!

When we are young we want to look older, when we are old we want to look younger... Life really likes to mess with us...

If you never watched it, you should watch this youtube video!

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As soon as the missus how to bed I will!!

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@meesterboom Hello dear friend. What age dilemma?
Age really matters little, what matters is how old you feel and how you have lived for years. There are young people who look 60 years old and there are 60 who look young of 30, I think that's the key here.
I wish you a happy rest

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I think I agree with you! I do like to think I am one of the young ones who look young though. Lol

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