Thursdays With Uncle Boom #78

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Next!

I yelled at the veritable mangina that was my office assistant Stibble.

I felt I had been neglecting my Parliamentary duties somewhat of late and had popped into my constituency office for one of my drop-in sessions. The pesky events where the assembled peonry of my constituency can pop in and tell me of their woes.

Stibble opened the door to my office and ushered in a grey-bearded, crazy looking fellow.

This is Colin Thoms, milord. He refuses to declare his business.

Declared Stibble with the squeaking bravado of a fingered moorhen.

I grinned wolfishly at this Mr Thoms before waving a dismissive hand to Stibble. He retreated, closing the door with a quiet snick.

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Please sit, Mr Thoms and perhaps you will grace me with the reason for your visit.

Mr Thoms held my eye and smiled a cold smile.

Aye. Perhaps I will, perhaps I will.

He pulled out the chair before my desk and sat. He looked both fidgety and smug. I cast a vinegar eye up and down him. Something wasn't quite right about the fellow. There was a palpable menace to him.

In fact, the very air reeked of danger.

I felt a quickening in my Jack Reacher and swiftly sat down on the opposite side of my desk, pulling out my pipe and loading her up with some baccy.

It was a fine shag as they say on the high seas, Eileen's Crumb. The burning of which sent out a heavy scent of coal-blackness and rot.

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Out with it then.

I barked.

I didn't have all day. There was whiskey to be drunk and fillies to be gentled.

Your security is shit.

Leered Mr Thoms as he cast his gaze about the office.

Security? But I am an elected man of the people. Why would I need security?

I wrinkled my brow fondly as if he were a new puppy that had peed on the carpet.

Mr Thoms reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out a handgun. It was very new looking, it's barrel glistened with oil like a sailors penis after fucking a halibut.

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This is why, you government bastard.

He spat, his face contorted with a mad hatred.

Is that a gun in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?

I couldn't help but giggle.

What? You taking the piss? I am going to fucking kill you and you think you can joke?

He stood and motioned with the gun for me to stand also. Which I did.

Are going to kill me with the gun or bore me to death?

I asked politely.

You smarmy bastard!? You don't think I'm serious? On your knees, now.

Mr Thoms pulled at a different pocket and produced a cheap looking mobile phone. He thumbed at the side of it and grinned victoriously as, possibly for the first time in his life, something responded to his crude fingering.

I'm gonna film you begging for mercy and then BLAM! if you do as you are told it will be quick.

He waggled the gun at me again.

On your fucking knees, government man.

I sighed.

Alright then, just one thing though. Can I check the time on my new watch?

Without waiting for his answer I tugged at the chain of my new watch, Dobbers Probability Preponderance Cipher.

I studied the face of it.

Look at that, there is the very tiniest possibility you are overcome with remorse and guilt at what you are about to do and turn the gun on yourself!? Fancy that.

I chuckled and tapped the face of the TimePiece.

What the blithering fuck were you talking about? I don't... I... Oh God... What sorry combination of fortune has led me down this path? What am I doing. I must end this.

Mr Thoms turned the gun slowly upwards and place it under his chin. I fancied I saw a gleam of comprehension in his eyes.

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Stibble came rushing in, gawping at the bloodied ruin of Mr Thoms head, his body stretched out on the floor.

Oh my word, Milord, are you ok? What happened here? What possessed him?

I took a happy puff from my pipe.

What possessed him? Well, Stibble, old fellow. I am afraid I couldn't say, after all...

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I just knew that timepiece would show up sooner rather than later! I thought that the probability of it improbably showing up later was preposterous. Yes, yes. Quite right! Saved you in the nick of time no less!

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It looks like it might be a handy thing for a young feller me mad to have about town!

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Howdy sir meesterboom! wow it didn't take long for Uncle Boom to use that Preponderance thing! lol, very creative writing sir, that was an excellent segment, I'm so glad that Uncle Boom is ok! lol. that guy with the gun was probably just a peon anyways.

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He was nothing but a lowly peon. How dare he!

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lol! I agree. The nerve of some peons! and a "lowly' one, those are the worst kind!

aha!! The future influencing timepiece machinery thingy! You were almost buggered there Boom, excellent thinking and mindless killing of the Butler last week to ensure you held onto the goods.

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You simply can't beat a bit of mindless killing to set yourself up for the future!

No wonder Halibut is so expensive and Cod is so scarce. This was the easiest killing yet and I would like one of those watches to. It would make life so easy.

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I wouldn't mind one myself! It was quite easy, so little effort. He won't have it for long though!

LOL, oily penises and manginas, such fun! Haha! Take that Mr. Thoms, wipe that smug look off your face...wipe that face off your face!

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Wow that floor off your face and your face of the floor. Silly man!! :0D

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Haha!! He shouldn't have messed with the master ;)

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He shouldn't, damn wannabe assassin's!!

You had me going for a moment, but the hero always survives.
Just as well you bumped the butler last week or it might have been a different ending.
Or have you got "gallow floors' under the visitor's chair as well,( just in case)

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I was contemplating gallow floors, after all, you have to be prepared!!

You completely left out the most important aspect of this story! Was Mr Thoms wearing a yellow vest?

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Hahaha! Ah but that is the mystery forever to live in the mine of the reader :0D

yes

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"... in the mine of the reader"
Do tell us. Not all your readers are miners :-)

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Oh dear! At least it wasn't mime!!

:0)

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Come to think of it, those yellow vests might get more traction doing mime. And I can't see the cops gassing a crowd of mimers. Their own children would never forgive them.

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I don't think anyone would forgive them for that. I shall get on the Twitter immediately and suggest it! ;0)

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Skillfully handled with some artful mind-fuckery! Ruined what was probably poor Mr Thoms' one moment of glory and control! Guess all you politicians think you can mess with the plebs huh? ;-)

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Hahaha!! Yes indeed!! ;0)

That guy sounds like a real fishmonger. I love detective stories like this..

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He certainly knows how to prepare them fish!

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Dear friend time @ meesterboom. Mr. Colin Thoms learned the lesson of not messing with a gentleman, he does not know that a Boom never gives up if he has a watch in his pocket. Problem turned out
I wish you a happy rest

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Hehe, yes indeed. He learned the hard way!!

I'm not sure what happened there but with that tapping I'm genuinely concerned that Uncle Boom has worked out how to thingi the thing XD

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Hehe, you got it in one!! The stage is set now!!

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