The good lady looked up from our squalling little boom.
It's no use Daddy bear, he is just really unsettled. You will have to take the little lady to Family Yoga.
I chewed at an imaginary fig.
What do you mean by that? 'Take her to family Yoga?'? I mean, I can take her sure but I won't have to do anything will I?
The good lady threw me shade.
Yes Daddy bear. You will have to take her and participate in the Yoga. It will be fun. Anyway, it's only two hours.
I screeched like a Bonobo monkey denied intercourse.
And so I found myself opening the door to the Family Yoga with the little lady in tow.
The Yoga lady came over. All smiles and wavy hand gestures.
Oh wow, who do we have here today!
Responded the little lady enthusiastically, jumping up and down.
I stood, solid, un-moving and inclined my head slightly. I have watched enough Prison dramas to know how to handle myself in this kind of situation.
Yoga lady closed in and held a fingertip on each of my shoulders.
So guarded! Don't worry, we will sort you out! Take a mat, any one you like!
I rolled my head on my shoulders. Guarded? That's because I don't want to get shanked in the shower block baby.
Pfft. I sauntered towards the mats. Remembering my Prison drama education I looked around for the biggest and the meanest inmate. There. Ten Tonne Tess. I made my way over, the little lady in tow.
I plonked down on the mat next to Ten Tonne and nodded casually at her.
She smiled happily at me. I wasn't fooled. She had been in this game too long and could recognise a power grab when she saw one.
Oh my goodness me? Is that your daughter? Hello little girl, what's your name?
She enquired of the little lady.
Was she threatening my own flesh and blood? Oh yeah, we had a player here alright. I knew I would have to take her down to safeguard my family as well as become top dog.
I grunted and sat down on the mat like a Lion after a particularly tasty gazelle. The Yoga lady started us off pretending to be animals in various positions. I carried them all out with a watchful eye on Ten Tonne who approached all of the moves with a slow insolence. Yeah, she was going down.
About twenty minutes in, I saw my chance. We were doing Downward dog or some rubbish and I had felt the gases of Hades build up. I glanced around. No-one was watching.
I racked up a silent but violent into the chamber and then let it hiss out malevolently. Again, no-one noticed. I loaded another and let it loose just to be sure.
The lady to the opposite of Ten Tonne jerked as if stung then she twitched and glared around as if maddened by flies. I jerked too, then wrinkled my face up as though I too was eating bum biscuits.
By now more people were joining in, silently retching and looking around for the perpetrator of the noxious gas that was catching in the back of everyone's throats. Now it was time to make my move.
I caught several peoples eyes at once and made a boak face and jerked my head at Ten Tonne knowingly. The message spread like subliminal wildfire.
Ten Tonne looked up ponderously. Her mouth hanging open in disgust at the arse toffee in the air, then she noticed the disgusted glances being thrown her way by everyone. Including me.
It wasn't me?
She mouthed silently.
I made a scoffing motion and shook my head at her.
It was done, she was finished here. Afterward several of the mummies gathered round to introduce themselves. I accepted their tribute whilst watching Ten Tonne slink out in disgrace.
I'm the Daddy now.