I don't really know how to start this, It's a long story.
This is my story, a young guy with Clinical Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder and how I am finally dealing with it, like somewhat dealing with it. I don't want people to get this wrong, this is not written to be a motivational post to tell you that everything is gonna be alright or that I defeated depression, but more as a personal blog with anecdotes, thoughts I have and how I've dealt with it for all of this time. If you feel related that's fine, but I'm going to point out I don't really feel like a relatable character here.
But first, What is depression? and What is BPD?
I'll post a basic definition of each one here, for more in-depth information amd symptoms , visit the source links.
Clinical Depression: "With major depression, it may be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities...." Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, sometimes particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships -- symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 -- a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions -- you may have other symptoms with major depression." -Source
Borderline Personality Disorder ": Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions, and impulsiveness.
With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships. "-Source
I wasn't really a social outcast per se, I was (still am) into subcultures and hanged out with the metalheads and never really got into trouble with people, I was respected in the sense I was a different guy but not a freak, I could hang out with anyone I wanted but I felt there was something different going on. Depression wasn't as present in my life at this point as BDP was.
-There was always a feeling of emptiness lingering about...
I never really felt connected to anybody in the social sense, I could establish relationships but I felt they were more of a burden, something I had to do, the social pressure I guess. In most of this time, I've felt my feelings were in autopilot, that I was a bit disconnected from them.
The firsts cuts on my wrist came on later, but I didn't feel I cut myself out of pain and sadness, but It was more of a high I got when cutting myself. I became a bit obsessed with the idea of life and death, and I didn't really want to die, but thoughts of suicide started to appear here and there, they didn't really bother me that much, I was sure I didn't want to die.
The more time that passed, the worse I felt, I had become a bitter person, sarcastic, with mood swings, unsustained fear of abandonment, and rejection. I started to fear all of the teachers and get bad grades and in some cases, I would prefer not showing up at all in some classes.
-Thoughts of suicide is something I got used to a long time ago
I started to lose interest in everything I did, I didn't really study for anything at school and somehow managed to get 7/10- 7.5/10 grades overall, I only liked technical drawing and a couple other subjects, I got my first guitar in sophomore year but despite being into it a lot, I never got more motivation to learn something else besides the basics, same with computer programming, keyboard, writing, and other interests I had.
I started smoking weed every now and then when I was 14 and drinking at least once every week or 2 weeks when I was 15, and nothing much happened 'till I graduated at 16 years old from highschool. I had an internship after highschool In an interior design office, and that motivated me to study architecture, despite not really knowing what I really wanted to do with my life.
I had a couple of overly attached relationships where I needed them only not to be alone, that kind of relationship you don't know how you got into, but don't know how to not be into either.
At this point, I feel I'm rambling, and I still need to talk about the last 8 years of my life. But this is as far as I can go with my current motivation. Sorry for the lack of details, I'll talk about more shareable personal details in the next entry.
Thanks a lot for taking some time and reading this, I hope you enjoyed some of it or learned something, I'll get the second part tomorrow i guess...