Sometimes, The Only Seeming Way Left To Explain One's Self To The World, In This Painted World, Is Suicide. May "Quit" Not Happen.

The world is painted, by means of we will remove some of this paint.

Sometimes, the only seeming way left to explain one's self to the world, in this painted world, is suicide. In my case, that is currently it and not on purpose. 

I am Talking Dead and i have been this way for a period now but the world knows of Walking Dead. Well, i am Walking Dead too and i have been that for decades now.

My dad, i wonder what to call his case. 

You can't do his suffering, once you have his kind of make-up. He has done more than "time" in suffering and forget it, it just never stops. There are world(s) like that, where the battle is against satan himself. 

You can't do "my suffering" either. If you have my make-up, you simple can't. I do suffering without outlet. I fully grasp "suffering".

Yes, some people suffer and fully grasp "suffering". Others do suffering and don't fully grasp "suffering". No need for comparisons but for one set, it is a "greater deal of suffering". And some do "time" and ages in it and hope that their generations escape it but when "hope" itself loses strength in meaning, generations arrive and replay "time(s)" in the same suffering. Altogether, these generations "suffer for fun". 

By "time" i mean, like "time" like is done in jail.

When your self-worth, character, shine etc just never takes a beating, you suffer like crazy. You suffer "per minute" and "each minute in this particular suffering", when you have the rare ability to fully process and grasp "suffering", is "days" long.

Speaking of this particular jail, it is worse. Don't go there. "You will be alone". 

All the masses flock around you and say your name but "you are alone" because among other reasons; "only if you die will it be known that you were in jail".

Now, if you are extremely loving, this particular dungeon of a jail, is myriads of holes deep. You basically don't want anyone to attain the frequency of this route of yours; "you steer clear and away from faces and enter holes". 

You use your new-found darkness to emit light because, no one must find this hole.

You love by default. You bear every consequence. The load is heavy but no one can ever tell that you "carry load"; only until you are jumped off that cliff.

The world is painted overall, so who pays that much attention. Crypto-kitties have more value. Superman more fans. This paint we will remove on

Deep down, i pray to be able to effect this ( etc) and see the light it brings and shine it forth. I want each tunnel to have light therein. (No longer does anyone need to wait "till the end of the tunnel".

I live and suffer for this. I don't want to do "suffering for fun" all over again. My mum did it and passed or maybe not; if i stay!

My dad is doing it now, each day, every minute. Even his unconsciousness isn't allowed to be rosey. 


I am writing one full-blown post; one that explains and its "vi-mission" in one place. It will be ready in a few days from now. (Normally, i will write this in one seating because "i live this" but in the midst of "intensest suffering", i have been on this post for up to one month). is open-source and every intel that explains it, i will leave out there at the very least. 

It is "one of my ulogacies"

Currently, "every thing around me" is a trigger for "suicide" or i don't know if that is the word. Silly me! I have a high measure of "self control" but my brain doesn't function well currently and my nerves are "always on". I don't sleep either and i don't have the ability to. 

But the sharpest reflex in my brain is the one for "break your head on the wall".

I have serious "character" and "my character" can "damn it all" in a split second but i have other amazing "human qualities" too including "character" that keep me in check, in opposite split-second reflexes. Again, saying it out loud and i am that joking-ranter who loves only to spew sadness or well, perhaps, "words" aren't enough to explain these things to someone's else' understanding and "words" are the only thing i really have left, to where wasting "words" sap me dry.

I talk less.

Steemit has so helped me and it is helping me now but "help" is something i want to give instead. I will attempt my first power-down after two years of being on steemit. 

In the last few months, it has been "rags" and i have very much been on the brink of "altogether quit" but my character won't let me just power-down and that is me.

Even if i am dying, i may chose to spew solution towards "abating hand-to-mouthism" etc for everyone, than to allow an easy tool like the "power-down button", put me to use. 

I love the testimonialer route.

I will explain, why i haven't powered down in the last three months even "it has been rags" in another post.

Well, i will pause now.

It has been out there., teardrops, untalented, macrohard, etc and while it has been a hassle to produce these things in the midst of odds and an especial battle against non-human forces, these are my ulogacies.

I will push and push and push and "no!"; like @lordjames, i am not a fan of martyrdom either but "my being" i know, will push still. Now more than ever.

If i haven't talked much or responded on time or responded at all, you know why.
I can always handle busy, dying is something else. (I don't like using the word "dying" but gimme another word).

My power down will be to take care of some bills and apply some budget to the development of, if fully-powered, is set to surpass google. 
I want it fully-powered.

I hope i am able to control this power-down and not quit altogether. I don't want to quit altogether. I pray i don't quit altogether but it is left to Jehovah at this point. I do want to celebrate "me" even once and for the first time, with the breakthrough token (an emblem of human), the @teardrops SMT.

In my watch, everything is forgive-able. In my watch, "i so-so-so understand" (I am never-condemning).

Currently, i know of "a steemian that attempted suicide" recently and i know of another steemian, who is silent but whose dad committed suicide days ago.

"Let's pay attention. Let's return value to human". @ulogs &

I will pause.

Your boy Terry


Kindly vote for the "steemgigs" witness. It is my Ulogacy!

Dedicating My Entire Steem/Steemit Journey To My Mum

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I'm wishing you well.

In the last few months, it has been "rags" and i have very much been on the brink of "altogether quit" but my character won't let me just power-down and that is me..these are some golden words which I loved alot from your post.I think hope and struggle don't have stop.they are the beginning of every new start if we understand.don't get upset keep trying your best success is there.suiside why why this word is taking importance in our life we should snatch our happiness from it and throw this word out of our life dictionary.

It is good to fight a battle but it's is better to be able to fight through and shout victory. I feel your pain, and I hope it's get better soon. It's just a matter of time

Life is full obstacles I am still thanking God for your life, for counting you among the living souls. When there is life there is hope. Brother God will give way when there is no way I feel bad about your condition but I know Jesus is the only saviour I pray that he will lay is hand of healing all you. Every source of sorry in life will dry off in Jesus name. Have hope in doctor Jesus he will make you smile.
Love you @surpassinggoogle @sir terry

I am very sorry for the current situation in which you find yourself dear terry, but the hopes and the faith in God is what makes us get up again and continue to advance despite the difficulties, I know that you can get ahead and find the light at the end of the tunnel because the light is yourself, and just as you have supported us all this time we your #uloggers will do it for you, because we are with you. @surpassinggoogle

Sir @surpasinggoogle don't give up.there is hope as long as we.are breathing.I know what you felt same way as I feel.Sometimes I realized to take suicide but the big question penetrates to my mind,is this a solution?God will make a way seems there's no way.Be strong ,everything will be alright

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This world is full of suffer and problems but we need to be strong. Every week I wish I could commit suicide without getting punished for that. Every week I get the idea of leaving everything behind and becoming a monk. But then when I wake up in the morning I realize that I just need to fight until I win. There is no chance for a looser on this planet :(

I am sorry for the pain you feel, for what you are going through. I know it seems like there is no way out, but there IS.. hang in there.

You've worked so hard for it.
You don't need any explanation and with the way it looks, you need it..
Stay strong...

Mate. Powering down is not a badge of disgrace. The opposite holds true. Its a medal of honesty and hard work, it is truth in your achievements, it is the fruits of your labour.
In the last two days Ive come across a couple of begging posts....from families in distress or need food? No.
One from a guy, one of his family cars has broken down and needs $300 and another from a European in jail in Bali for attempting to smuggle weed. Privelidged tossers.
You are not asking anything except a friendly ear and forgiveness from powering down.
Stop being a fucking idiot. We are here to help or improve our lives, youre having a shit time right now, time the community returned some of the love to you.
My love and best wishes to you and your family, I lost my dad this year too. Its shit.
Take care mate and dont get too deeply into a black hole, you only have to reach up and there are torches and hands to help everywhere.

everything will be okay in it's perfect timing sir Terry , keep fighting and keep the faith ,i know you can ,be stronger for your father
love you sir Terry 💞

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@surpassinggoogle, This post includes some deep and emotional aspects which we can feel but not able to find the words to reflect it. I will pray to Almighty Father that everything will be fine and will shine and your path of Helping Others will be successful and ULOG Economy is part of it.

Wishing you an great day and stay blessed.

If only I could do suicide I have done it already but it is a sin and not really a good thing to do @surpassinggoogle
If you are Clinically depressed you should go to a doctor because it is a serious case as I have suffered from it during my childhood.

You are loved. You’ve given so much and you still do. Take care of YOU now. Everyone here supports you <3

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I'm sending my prayer to you. To ypur dad and family
May Jehovah gives you more strength to overcome your problems.

Everything will be fine in God's perfect timing sir..

I feel so sorry for your for your present predicament. I wish I can undo the pains you feel right now but too bad I can't but there is someone wo can and He is JESUS.

Talk to Him in your prayers and He will surely see you and your dad true. I am certain you will smile again. Do away with depression.

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You are indeed a strong man, and matter the challenges and obstacles in life, you will sure live to declare the works of the Lord in the land of the living.... Stay bless and be strong in the journey of life, for u will surely bounce back and be victorious in life once again.