How to steal food from the supermarket

10개월 전

Stealing food...

Not exactly ethical, but hey there's definitely ways to justify it. I personally think that any action taken within the Neo-Liberal Capitalist structure that we function within is ultimately unethical. I also cbf writing a solid argument defending myself atm, but let's just leave it at this-
The people from whom you are stealing are
1- Unlikely to ever notice the loss, and
2- likely profiting off you in an exploitative manner as a lower/middle class citizen anyway.


So find yourself a nice large supermarket (ideally a chain, they won’t be missing the $20 in cashews and protein bars you take.) Head on in and grab yourself a tomato and a cucumber. Any other vegetables and this technique doesn’t seem to work unfortunately. You will need to buy these, so it really helps to have a dollar or so. You can always ask this from people on the street as a gift or offer to paypal them back later. Explain your situation, someone will understand. Now head straight to the fucking health food section and grab as many fucking high protein bars as you can fit in your alpha-male hands. Then head to the chocolate section, and on the way there get those bars in your undies. Obviously don’t do it in front of a worker, but you’d be motherfucking surprised how little notice people pay. So you’re at the chocolate section, and at this point you may or may not have any room left in your underpants, depending on the size of your cock and how many bars you have down there. If you are tightly packed then pockets are always an option also. Now please do not look the fuck around to see if anyone’s looking at you… just walk around as normal and scratch your balls occasionally, getting a bar down there as you do so.

So by this time the plastic wrapping is doing some serious damage to your scrotum. It’s time to bounce, soldier. Head your way to the cashier. Not the self-checkout. Ever petty thief goes the self checkout. They are watching you with the concentration and intensity of a middle aged Australian man watching teenage girls in Thailand. They are ready for every fucking trick you are gonna pull. Scanning avocados as potatoes? Busted! Swapped the sticker from the white bread to the Focaccia? Busted. Walking around with a suspicious chocolate shaped bulge on your knee? (This is where they tend to settle if they fall out of your undies…) Better than falling out your trouser leg (wear tight pants or tuck them into your socks) but still not ideal. Possibly busted. The cashier is perfect… They don’t see a thing perched up there. Hand her your tomato and cucumber. She’ll give you a big smile. Girls have strong motherly instincts and you are one boy who ate their veggies without complaining. Head your way out and enjoy your balanced meal of protein, fat, carbohydrates and nutrients. Give some to the homeless too… Helps to feel less of a cunt and the homeless guys appreciate the kindness.


Peace and love xoxo

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