Stephen Colbert on Climate Change
Original post: http://bit.ly/2BYlPHV
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A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
Q: Why did the dinosaur walk across the road?
A: Because chickens were not invented yet.
"I want to be a tightrope walker. What equipment do I need?" asked a prospective circus employee.
"Very flexible shoes, two towers, a wire, a pole and a bank book." responded the ringmaster.
"I understand the shoes, towers, wire and pole, but what's the bank book for?" inquired the man.
"To check your balance, of course."
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish." the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse." he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"
The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!"
So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig, "Who the heck were those guys?"
And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A rubbish truck.
Original post: http://bit.ly/2BVKMUp