Hi friends, a couple of you might have noticed my recent absence...,well, its not without reason...I've been caught up in a sort of digital trance, I've waited for this feeling to fade away for a while now but rather it intensifies, it seems like I'm falling out of myself, I thought it will pass like any other time but it just won't, so at this point I feel the need to let it out.
Its getting harder for me to get my thoughts and words properly aligned.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've been caught up in a sort of battle in my mind, I've wanted to blame it on negative situations of things around me, but even as those situations turn around or have no explicit effect on me, I find myself lingering on to them.
Why? I don't know, I just want to turn it off...
Nothing seems to be intriguing anymore, I'm easily triggered, I'm not finding solace in what I've loved to do for over 5 years anymore,...I feel like a sailor whose been on a voyage for a very long time with a telescope stuck to my eye, searching for any sight of land.
But that sailor is going weary,....against his will.
My biggest endeavour has been writing on steemit, I share, I mostly inform more than misinform, sometimes I entertain, I distract, I connect and I earn, however most of all, I learn and improve, I'm a perfectionist by nature, if my work is not close to perfect in my eyes, it is barely any good.
This makes me delve into the depths of research in various topics, when I'm not writing, trust that I'm thinking about what to write and I've been in this continuous loop for over 2 years.
I'm not burned out...
It is easy to attribute 'this' to a block, the writers block, as much as I'd loved for it to be just that, sadly it isn't. People have different meanings for the 'writers block', according to my little research on that, its not what I feel. I want to write, I have a lot of things to write about, wards of information to share, but I get lost at the point of execution.....I have no idea what that's called.
I have a lot of unfulfilled obligations to my audience, to tribes on steem I'm invested in, to the steem newbies trapped in the wonderment of the experience I keep going on about all the time, but there's this wave of mental barricade that keeps holding me down, the desire of wanting to be more......to deliver more, to understand more, to explain/inform more, to learn more, to earn more.
I see a lot of developments and amazing experience the tech world has to offer, but also I see a gap, within myself, backed by my inadequate knowledge. I see the world requiring more of me than what I'm used to offering.
As a result, I've found myself subconsciously gravitating towards doing thorough research on topics that seem to be of interest to me, it spans through different aspects of technology and human psychology, it consumes a lot of my time and has subjected me to a particular mental state of being less and less actively productive.
I don't know when or if 'this' will end or where it will lead me to, a part of me wants to remain the creative mistakili that writes poetry and few tech stuffs, yet the other part of me wants to embrace this hunger of becoming 'more' satisfy it, edify myself, and in turn edify others.
Should I take this upon myself? Will I see it through? Will it be worth it? Am I ready to put my writing earnings and activities on hold?
Should I not take this up...will I regret it? Will I go out of relevance? (like nokia 3310, or the age of gprs), will I be a coward?
What should I see that I'm not seeing?
I've waited for this feeling to fade away for a while now but rather it intensifies, it seems like I'm falling out of myself, I thought it will pass like any other time but it just won't, so at this point I feel the need to let it out.
What I really want is to be able to fuse the both worlds together and right now that's like the most difficult thing.
Maybe I'd get a hang of it in future, maybe I'd always have these moments of dire need to upgrade my internal system periodically, or maybe I'm only temporarily falling out of myself to become what?...more of myself? either of the outcome I hope the decision I make or the path I resonate with will be all round beneficial rather than detrimental to my being.
Do I even have to hope for that? That's a waste of hope, rather I hope that my story will somehow influence you or myself in turn in some way that adds positively to your growth/journey.
Thank you for reading...