There was an opportunity after work where I had a moment to myself and instead of using that time to move myself in a way that was best for me, I instead moved myself in a way that I believed would please others.
I was doing the money at the end of my shift and saw that it was a really cool opportunity to move through a concrete task in a way that allowed me to unfold within myself in a cool way. I saw that I didn’t have to stress so much over the task at hand, where I was organizing the bills to be all oriented the same way (face up, same direction). And a moment arose where I could have continue to count the money without being so meticulous about the placement of every single bill (I was counting over $1000 in cash and, until then, was orienting every bill perfectly). As I am going to have to do this task at the end of every one of my shifts, sometimes utilizing the cash drawer so as to prevent the next person from using it until I am done with it, it would be good to learn a way of counting the money that was both accurate and quick. Orienting the bills all the same way is nice for the next person who handles the money, but not really necessary for being quick in counting the money. So, I had an opportunity to practice counting the money in a way that wasn’t so meticulous/perfectionist and was also more relaxing because it would be done at the proper, repeatable pace to move thing along into the next shift.
There were other levels to this moment, as it was also a reflection go who I was within that moment: am I the overly perfectionist people pleaser who wastes time orienting the bills perfectly to impress my boss / the next person to handle the cash, or am I able to relax within myself and do the task more easily?
There was also a sense of being ‘helped’ within the situation by the ‘beingness’ of one of my coworkers who is quite attractive, where I projected myself onto the moment as needing to be successful in doing the money in the more relaxed way in order to proceed with a sexual relationship with this woman, where I was experiencing a rare opportunity to pursue a relationship with her if I only counted the money in the quicker, less-organized way.
Instead, I experienced a now-familiar ‘bearing-down’ where I almost ‘leaned-into’ doing the task the harder, slower way because I experienced it at safe to impress my boss by orienting the bills the same way when really I don’t know how he will interpret my uber-organized money envelope or any other consequences possibly arising out of how I organized my money drop.
At the same time, I experienced a failure to capture the momentary opportunity to change who I was within that moment and thus get the girl.
At the end, I was simply sitting there spending a lot of time counting and organizing money when, in fact, nobody had even instructed me to organize it a certain way and the only reason why I would hesitate to pursue the girl is also arbitrary.
Thus, I chose to make my life more difficult and forgo practicing doing the money how I really should simply to possibly please people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to please people instead of doing what was best for me within a moment - and thus best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to modify my behavior to match a belief I had within my mind about what would please others instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding I could have acted in a way that improved my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that if I had chosen to organize the money in a more relaxed way, “A” would have realized this about me and been willing to cheat on her boyfriend with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the larger situation within which this was all taking part was that I had reached a consequential stressed-out, perfectionist point in my life and thus required a situation like this to show me who I had allowed myself to become and the alternatives for living in that way.
When and as I see myself choosing stress in order to please others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realized, and understand that opting for something that isn’t best for myself to please others is a poor use of my time.
I commit myself to stop choosing to please people at the expense of my mental and physical well-being.