Upon going under (Day 66 of 100 -- Poetry challenge)

4년 전

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I’m sinking in something heavy
into a soft spot
     a soggy bit of road
     a sand-trap

It seems there is always pain
when I think of you
I close my eyes to shield them
from the loudness of your words

I say too much but am never heard
I'm walked over
by the pounding of feet
with a painful
throb

Stop sucking the air from the room
so that I may catch my breath

My tongue is swollen
my heart is burning
     I'm sending smoke signals

You’re picking my bones clean
whilst I’m still in here
     trying to live

If my head did not hurt
I’d stand up and shout
If my heart did not hurt
I'd stand up and scream

—so that you’d hear me

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  • All pieces are newly crafted and posted shortly after in adherence to the rules of the challenge. All the photos are mine unless otherwise stated.

  • Entry for Day 66 of 100 Days of Poetry Challenge by @d-pend.

  • Join the Steemit School here: https://discord.gg/yZvYjfM organized by @dobartim on Discord.

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I chose this poem for my weekly homework for the poetry class because this poem really resonates with me. And can be worn for so many a situation - love dying, love lost, relationships between lovers, friends, parent and child .This poem is like a well worn sofa, I can find my shape in it …I could have written it myself. This is not gong to be like most of my reviews as I recognise in you one who can appreciate the different and who withers under the neon white of conformity and boxes. …

It seems there is always pain
when I think of you

I close my eyes
to shield them

from the loudness of your words

This part sparkles in shades of my mother for me. Even with oceans between us the shards of her words move in me from time to time like shrapnel. Those words proved a far grater poison then any physical damage she caused …

I say too much but am never heard
I'm walked over
by the pounding of feet
with a painful
throb

Have been here more then I would like to admit. It is odd how the wild and usually free can become so small in the shackles of uncaring hands or the oblivious who cannot see out of the close confinement of their boxes. They never understand that, that what is wild can never be truly tamed and that any semblance of domestication is a gift that becomes barbed wire around the heart of the wild one when the gift is desecrated by irreverent clumsy idiots who think they put you in a collar …

Stop sucking the air from the room
so that I may catch my breath
My tongue is swollen
my heart is burning

Sadly most of my relationships were like this. People holding me to tight, wanting to turn me into a Stepford person. Throwing projections at me strangling me with need and flogging me with expectations I never consented to.

I'm sending smoke signals
You’re picking my bones clean
whilst I’m still in here
trying to live

so many ways to feel this …on the one hand the feeling of being consumed alive until on feels like empty shrivelled grape skin… on the other hand there is the element of -why are you ripping hooks into me to keep me from leaving …don’t you see I am still here trying to save us even though you are slowly turning me and us into a corpse... I could be gone ..I am here -but dying…

If my head did not hurt
I’d stand up and shout
If my heart did not hurt
I'd stand up and scream
—so that you’d hear me

Again I have been there with different implications from the straight forward- I am to tired and defeated to even say anything anymore, to the I would fight back if I didn’t care but because I do, the fact that you do not see that I am wounded drains any will to say anything away ...to the exasperated- you are too stupid you make my head hurt and too callous to even make the effort to add on to the heart ache as you won’t get it anyway …

in the last line lies the simple plea so many triangular pegs have in a world that barely tolerates the squares … can you see me …can you hear me … and yet most remain blind and those who aren’t just see shadows …

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Oh my, what a Wonderful Critque. <3

Thank you, darling.

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Excellent and creative comment. Wonderful interconnection with the video shown. Good job!

I'm walked over
by the pounding of feet
(with a painful
throb)

This puts me in mind of Jumanji, when they roll for "Stampede," or the moment in Jurassic Park with the pool of water rippling before the big dinosaurs arrive.
Powerful imagery, for when the pounding of feet, rather than pounding feet sends you under. That concussive rhythm of pain that throbs and pulses with our heart, with our blood.

It seems there is always pain / when I think of you.

is a nice way to take the experience of the headache and tie it to something bigger. Is it soul-pain that manifests as a headache? Headache that turns out mood lower and thus turns us to the path of despair? Or is it that all pains are similar, and so we're just discussing multiple things here?
But that line is pretty on its own.

I say too much, but am never heard.

This puts me in mind of Suzanne Vega's Luka, or any such piece. We can't help it. We can't help but try to be heard, to be understood, to try and transmit our feelings.
Even if we'll say "too much."
Caught between a rock and a hard place, is to be a feeling one.

Honestly, of all the pieces of how you're having a hard time living in that situation, this one is one of the strongest. Such strong imagery, so evocative. Stark, but actually expressive:

You’re picking my bones clean
whilst I’m still in here

Being eaten alive. Being seen, but only as a source of food.

Great piece, Niish.

The imagery is breathtaking. I feel what you feel and I have been in the place you talk about. I am always having to think about what I am going to say to certain people in my life because I am not always heard or I am largely ignored. Thus, this is why I write poetry and stories, just so I can have an escape from the harshness of life. Thank you @mamadini for your wonderful and beautiful poetry.

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Thank you for this wonderful sharing -- this kind of thing is fodder for our poetry and I am grateful for that. I've always been an outsider and we know our own. <3