Well you don't look sick

작년

I could not believe it when she said that. Four words that shattered my belief that I was better. "You don't look sick."

I know stick and stones may break my bones but words will never will as they always say but people often forget that words have a power to destroy emotions and mental states worst than some physical hurts.

I have major depressive episodes and social anxiety that paralyzed me from having a normal life. I could not leave my house and stopped working. I am a shut in who sleeps 16 hours a day, eat once a day just to force myself to get nourishment and have trouble remembering what day it is because everything is a blur.

There came to a point that I just did not want to get out of bed and merely stare at the ceiling.

I had good days that I don't hear the whispers that I should take my life and that I am a failure. Then there are days that I look at bottles of cleaning fluids and acids. I don't self harm by cutting through because I have a very low pain threshold. I tried but just couldn't get myself to cut which I take as a good thing.

Anyhow this month I decided I wanted to take a step in normalizing my life. I shaved, I haven't gotten a haircut but I wanted to set some things in order.

I needed to get some documents and I contacted this lady who was the only authorized person. It went back and forth and a number of times I thought just fuck it. Yet there was a tiny voice telling me to persevere and keep trying.

Finally I was able to meet with her and everything went south. She was condescending and arrogant as if I owe her money. She belittles me and make me feel stupid for misunderstanding some things. She was not cooperative and dismissive to the points that I was trying to address.

Then came those words. "You don't look sick." So having anxiety and depression means I should look a certain way? Do I need a tag saying I have these disorders.

I could see the judgement in her eyes and another round of painful words "You were able to go here so it doesn't look anything is wrong with you."

Man I wanted to slap the shit out of her. I asked her so are you dismissing my depression and anxiety? Are you dismissing the suffering I have and huge step I had to take to go outside my house when everything in my body and mind was screaming not to leave.

She snorted and told me everyone gets depressed and so you just couldn't handle yours. I admit I couldn't that is why I am in this predicament. This is why I couldn't go out of my house. How dare she make it not a big deal.

Her words shredded whatever strength I mustered up. I wanted to hurt her physically but I also wanted to leave that instant.

I was in pain and I wanted to lash out but I was also so tired.

I left that meeting feeling sorry for myself. I got home and those bottles looked mighty tempting again.

I knew it was bad. I called a crisis hotline and this sweet lady named Jasmine was able to talk me down from a 9 in wanting to harm myself. We talked for over an hour. As she gave me positive reinforcement and understanding.

I placed the phone down and it seemed that tonight wasn't going to be that night. Yet I still feel some pain. My heart still hurts everytime I remember her face, the sneer and the words that almost broke me.

I know I shouldn't give her power over me but nothing makes sense to me right now.

Sometimes I still think the void maybe better.

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
STEEMKR.COM IS SPONSORED BY
ADVERTISEMENT
Sort Order:  trending

Hey, @maverickinvictus.

Doesn't seem like persevering is the way to go when someone comes along and kicks you when you're down. I don't blame you for getting upset at all. The fact you restrained yourself is a testament to who you really are.

I'm glad you called the hotline, too. I also hope that there will be more times to foray out into the unknown, and that it will be better. There are good people still out in the world, like Jasmine. Those are the types of folks that need to be in your life. The ones who don't judge, demean or belittle.

I'm also glad you shared this. I wonder how you are every time I see your autovote on a post. I don't want to intrude, and I'm sure you've got enough to work with, out, on. But I do wish you well, whatever that means and however that looks now.

·

Hey Glen it is great to read your words as always.

Yes I was glad I called. It was very bad how I felt yesterday. As close as it has ever been but Jasmine was able to talk me down from self harming.

I'm not fully back but I log in from time to time and reading stuff from my favorite people here in Steem.

I don't always comment but I make sure to read.

Hopefully I get better and feel safer to go out.

·
·

Hey, @maverickinvictus.

One step at a time, I guess is what they say. Expect setbacks, work to move forward. Something like that. :)

I'm glad you are checking in from time to time. It is good to know you are out there and what you're experiencing. I think it's healthy to share it in some fashion, and hopefully that means it helps, and not only you, both others, too.

The world is full of arseholes and stupidity; becoming depressed is quite a natural reaction and shows that you are still human. Maybe allow yourself to feel better than her & others? Because obviously you are!

·

Aye Captain! I am willing myself to feel better and to remove the hold she had over me with her hurtful words.

She is mean and uninformed with mental health and so she should not matter.

I am slowly getting my mind to understand and have it as it's truth!

·
·

And the same goes for many; I guess there's more wrong with the world/people than there is with you ;)