Beyond Rock Bottom


Before I start, I must inform you that I'm not articulate with wording things, but I do the best that I can.

I'm a Christian who has kept Jesus as my savior for as long as I can remember. I've attended a few different churches growing up, all of them preach the gospel.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for God. I grew tired of waiting for my mom to arrange a baptism for me. So, I did what some consider unusual. On 3 occasions as of now, I have gone to a hotel and submersed myself under the waters of a hot tub after saying a prayer. The second time I did this was apparently the kicker. I had been emotionally traumatized by police after a 15+ year streak of violence. I had Asperger's Syndrome, which is nothing to laugh at. It makes me lose my temper rather quickly. Well, that's how it was for the first quarter of my life. My mother was usually the target of my aggression because she kept yelling at me when I wanted her to instead calm me down. She doesn't see me as a disabled person, she sees me as a fully capable person. Not many can admit that they've had a problem with violence, especially against family members. Of course, I'm not proud of who I was, so I've been living in remorse for a few years now. I was never arrested, but the whole ordeal left me mentally scarred.

I didn't notice it for the first part, but it wasn't until Jesus started appearing in my dreams that I realized that the second baptism shattered the wall between me and God. Before I go any further, I think I should flesh out what I was doing prior to this.

Now, what I'm about to say is shocking and very taboo to most Christians, but many times I prayed to God that Heaven is truly whatever you want it to be. I prayed to Him about 2 controversial things: Erotic pictures/videos and homosexuality. Now, this might be a point where you stop reading and start rebuking me, that the Bible is clear on these two things, but hear me out. Around 2016/2017, I began to experience vivid dreams of being in Heaven, seeing Jesus plain as day. This document will explain them in detail:

After experiencing these dreams, I became overjoyed over Heaven being whatever you want it to be. Now, you might say it's the devil speaking to me, but it doesn't seem likely anymore. Why? Because during my times of consciousness, I've been given some form of confirmations by people around me.

Before long, I encountered a Youtube user named godrules who has taught about corruptions in the texts and how theology has plagued modern day churches. One of my clients on an art site has become a good friend of mine, but before I get to that, let me explain my next step. After experiencing the dreams, my initiative had changed. I wanted more answers than what the Bible presents in the foreground. This led me to research many of the scriptures. One verse I've constantly hacked and drilled at is Matthew 5:28: "But I say unto you, that whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her in his heart." I worked my fingers to the bone until I came upon something that astounded me. This verse is usually taken at face-value and out-of-context. I also found out that the definition of the word lust had been changed. It's original meaning is "intense wanting to possess a person or object." Lust can be associated with anything, but what does the church point to instead? Sexual desire. Another thing I learned is that woman in that verse was originally wife, until the enemy changed it. So I've learned that Matthew 5:28 actually says "Whoever looks upon another person's spouse and makes a goal to take them for their own is guilty of committing adultery in their heart." This group can go into more detail:

You can bet I was astonished, but still I wanted more answers. My next target was homosexuality. There are several verses that appear to be condemning of this orientation, but after I read this booklet written by Janet Edmonds, more of the fog cleared up:

Now, back to the friend I made on an art site. This friend of mine seemed like-minded to what I was saying about what I've learned. One of the things he's said often is, "I think God wants us to question the scriptures in certain parts." He makes a very valid point, whether you choose to believe it or not. An example of this would be the fact that another religious group, The Mormons, have this heavily-guarded archive in Utah called Granite Mountain. Why would religious people want to guard some sort of information? This is one of the things that has furthered my deeper research initiative. The Roman Catholics are the same way. Did you know that 14 books are missing from the Bible? This collection is known as, The Apocrypha. These are the account of The Holy Spirit and include important books such as Enoch.

Now, before you judge me, these things I've stumbled upon have made my faith way stronger than ever. I've noticed things about me that astound my family. I am very mellow and am slow to anger, I admit and take responsibility for every bad thing I do and a few other things. So don't go assuming I'm under satan's influence.

But anyway, questioning the translations is something that I've been doing for 4 years now. It would seem that people have this "Don't question our authority" demeanor, which makes me very suspicious. Two groups have this kind of attitude. Pharisees and communists. This analogy might not be 100% accurate, but it seems the most appropriate. Something definitely isn't right about some verses. There are a lot of things Jesus never condemned and it makes me think that some of it is man-made laws, just as the Pharisees had made. Plus, if the New Testament is the new law to follow, we should not regard any Old Testament laws. Surprisingly, some of the things taught in Leviticus are exclusive to the Old Testament and there are no cross references in the New Testament.

Call me a devil worshipper, a lamb led astray or whatever is said nowadays, but some of the things I've mentioned sound really fishy and I'm going to continue excavating past rock bottom.

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