So I had last weekend, the best night of my life. I ate 300-400 micrograms of LSD and was God for about 8 hours. This was, needless to say, incredible. And impossible to explain. So before you read this, go get a few tabs from a reputable source, go to a quiet, safe place and eat them. Done? Sweet, now there’s probably no need to read this, but hey… we’re both still here, chatting, so without further ado ladies and gents, let’s go deep.
If there was a way to explain this world… this fucked up world that we live in… It would want to be fucking brilliant yes? Like seriously, the God that you meet when you die and go to your heaven WILL have to explain poverty, rape and murder, and I can fucking promise you it’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be as simple as “those who suffered were sinners and you were not.” The explanation for this universe is going to have to be fucking incredible. Fucking unbelievable.
And it is. I’ve seen it briefly.
God exists, and the whole universe is made from God. Yourself included. God is infinite potential… she can do anything. However, what is the use of being able to do anything when you don’t actually use it to do something. I mean that the wonder of infinite potential is only realised when that infinite potential is collapsed down to one single creation/reality. And so God’s greatness is only realised when he actually creates a world. Like a data projector that shoots out white light. That light is capable of creating any photo, however it is essentially useless until it collapses that infinite potential down into one particular image, or in our case- reality. And that reality is ultimately never satisfying in and of itself, because its inhabitants are somehow aware of they fact that they are part of an imperfect picture that is born of a perfect whole; however it is through their existence, and then the discovery of their own imperfection, that perfection is achieved. The white light/infinite creative possibility of God is nothing by itself. It is only after it manifests as a creation that which then learns to know itself and realises its own imperfection that the original infinite potential of God is fully appreciated. Without Samsara, there would be no Nirvana.
And thus we are in this reality which seems not altogether a benevolent one, and it is through our existence here that the majesty of God will be realised. You’re God, and you’ve created a movie in which you will star. You have, however set the camera running, and erased your memory. You will only realise that the director of this film that you for some unknown reason are playing in, is in fact your self, when you let go of your egotistical preconceptions about how you wish to play the role and open yourself to that which must be done- your purpose.
Here’s what it looks like. You are God, however you are powerless until you realise what you are. (Edit- you are powerful, but you have no control over that power; you affect the world in ways that you don’t necessarily mean to.) Once you realise that beyond any shadow of doubt you are the same consciousness as the world that you live in; that the reality in which we all live is “an illusion, albeit a persistent one”; that the duality which you perceive is in fact a part of this huge cosmic fucking game, then you are in bliss. Once you realise that everything that ever happened and ever will happen is merely in aid of God having fun, and that you are living out this game, then you will see the beauty and wonder of the game. Once you realise that both the beautiful and the grotesque are the same, and the killer and the killed are all God, and you in fact are also God, you will understand.
So I ate my LSD, and went and had an ego death in my tent. See it is virtually impossible to overdose from psychedelics, so one can have an ego death (which feels like actual death) without actually having to leave the body and this earth. I was about to have one on the toilet actually, but I thought there might be a better place to do it, so I went to my tent, where I let the acid take me, and realised that in this state, after dying that I was not dependent on my surroundings for pleasure. I was not even dependent on my surroundings for sensations at all. I could create in my brain, with my eyes closed, any physical sensation I desired. I could create and sustain a reality almost as real and convincing as the one that I normally live in. This begs he question then, if I was able to bypass regular reality and sustain my own reality while high, who and what sustains the regular one? The answer is of course God and all his manifestations, I being one of them. I, however, when sober am less aware of what I’m doing and how my actions affect and create the world. While I was still high however, I decided to leave the created reality and the conga lines of pussies that were the inhabitants of my own personal utopia, and see what I could effect in regular reality. I headed out into the festival and learnt that as long as I was completely open to death and everything else unpleasant in this world, I would not have to experience it. While I was in this state of complete faith that the universe of which I was a part could not possibly hurt or destroy me, the world was incredible. Essentially like GTA with hectic good graphics. With complete lack of fear, and complete willingness to experience reality even if it was painful, it was amazing! A state of complete detachment. Any drugs that I or my friends needed came with ease. All I had to do was completely give myself up to the universe to keep me safe. And once I truly believed in my heart that I was part of this universe and could thus never be truly hurt nor scared by it, I was living in perfection. I opened myself up to a bunch of vulnerable situations, completely willing to experience them all, and was subjected to exactly zero of them. Anything that I was scared of, I immediately went and did without any repercussions.
You know how smoking will kill one person, and yet another person can smoke their whole life and still live till 80 despite it? What is the name of the difference between those two people? God. One person can spend their whole life avoiding any dangerous situation, and still end up in more trouble than another whom faces danger fearlessly. Who/what is the force that chooses whether Schrodinger’s cat lives or dies? The word that we currently use to describe this phenomena is ‘random.’ We have labelled it randomness, but there is clearly some force that continues that randomness, that makes that split decision. What I am positing here, is that you are God, and thus your thoughts although you are not aware enough to know) affect that randomness. The universe (everything that exists outside yourself) responds to how you behave and think, and if you trust it to take care of you, it will. The weird solids at the bottom of the random drink that you found at that festival will not be random pills, but actually pieces of guava mixed in with the vodka. The girl whom you’ve been dreading rejecting takes your kind words of ‘I’m not interested’ without any bad feelings; as it happens, she’d realised that day that you were not her type. Had you not had the guts to say this (had fear of the universe and how it would treat you as part of it) however, then she would have continued liking you and spent the night dancing on you, leaving you both in an unpleasant situation. What I’m getting at here is the concept that an action now can lock in a certain reality from among many possibilities. Before I drank that drink, the solids could have been either a pill that was going to sedate me and leave me open to certain unconscious seduction, or they could have been guava pips. When I decided to trust that the universe would provide what was needed, I drunk the drink faithfully, and locked it into the guava pip reality.
This is termed Many Worlds Theory in western science I believe.
I am writing this last paragraph in the days following my trip. I naturally have regressed somewhat into a state of fear, and the evangelical confidence that I had is somewhat weakened by the fact that God-like confidence is in fact somewhat dangerous when not combined with God-like awareness. Drugs are wonderful for showing you briefly, but ultimately, it seems that one has to put in a lot of hard work meditating or facing their fears in order to achieve the same state consistently.
One can know logically beyond any shadow of doubt what is, and yet the instinctive, emotional ego if strong enough, will over-rule it.
So I took back to my sober reality the knowledge that if I did not fear death, then I could attain God. Unfortunately, I realised on day two that knowledge is not enough. See the biggest challenge during my trip was to do a backflip. This was the first thing that I didn’t have the faith to do. I tried during the trip and hurt myself a little bit because I could not let go of the instinctive fear of falling backwards, (of stepping willingly into a void where I had no control over my fate.) I tried again today, and had another realisation… the realisation that one can know something is right beyond a shadow of doubt, and still not have the strength to do it. I sat in the park for three hours and tried to muster the confidence to backflip unsuccessfully. This was with full knowledge that if I couldn’t do this act (that I believed I must do,) then I could not ask the same from anybody else, nor expect them to trust me when I say that I will do something. I was essentially condemning myself to the same life of fear and mediocrity that I had only just escaped via my trip; and in my mind, I was condemning the whole world, because how could I ever expect anyone else to act on their beliefs if I was unable to do so myself.
I spent a good couple of hours recently trying to convince a friend to quit the job he has been working for the past ten years. We both agreed that the job was holding him back, and to quit it would spur him on to greater things, and that nothing bad would ever come from leaving, and yet he still was not able to do it. The fear of change, or of danger held him back. I told him that he had to take the plunge before things could ever improve. And here I was in the same situation, completely unable to relinquish control and give myself up to God and do the backflip that I knew would give me unstoppable confidence to continue on my path. The upshot of this, I believe is that one has to be at a certain level of spiritual/emotional development before they can consistently act in accordance with their held beliefs; one must be spiritually developed before she can bypass the instinctual egotistical brain. I was able to do the backflip while high because my brain chemistry was on another level. My friend will quit his job at a later date when something snaps, aka when randomness (God.) For me, I need to meditate until I can yet again have the strength to face my fears.
Peace and Love