Unless you #### I'm leaving!

지난달

Ultimatums. Do they work? Yes. However in order for them to work, the conditions of the ultimatum need to be sufficient to force action. You know, the gun to the head kind of thing. It is a position of or seeking control.

Personally, my response to an ultimatum is generally:


I knew this picture would come in handy for something.

I take the challenge accepted route because it is much like giving into terrorism and paying a ransom, there is no end to it. These kinds of demands are positions of manipulation and entitlement that at least on Steem, are generally ego-driven and self-serving.

Dare I say it, they are demonstrations of:

Self-Aggrandizement

 
That is fine, we are all free to behave as we choose - but there are consequences to the way we behave and, to making assumptions based on expectations. It is especially dangerous to make assumptions on expectations based on other people's performance, but again, we are free to think and do as we please and face the outcomes of our position.

Yesterday, I was shopping with my wife and daughter and my daughter wanted to go back to the center park instead of going through clothing stores looking for whatever my wife needed. We had agreed to conditions prior. At each store she stood at the door in a stance of defiance to us entering. My wife and I entered - she followed. What do you predict would happen if we as parents gave into the every whim of our child - do you think that we wold be better off for it - more importantly - do you think she wold be better off for it?

My daughter needs a bigger gun - I don't give into terrorism. She can stomp and scream and complain all she wants but, the more she protests, the less likely she is going to get her way - and she knows it. She is not the child to throw a tantrum in public or even much at home - if she wants something, she speaks softly in sweet words and uses her big, blue eyes. It is much more manipulative and effective.

The difference is that instead of trying to get me to pander to her ego and wants, she circumvents the process by pandering to mine, to making me feel positive rather than negative. And in so doing, she is more likely to not only get her way - but if she doesn't get her way, she doesn't feel negative herself either as there is no resistance to butt heads against, just a calm conversation and explanation. People who believe they can change minds through ridicule and anger are not overly effective and tend to be rather ignorant. It is not that it is impossible to do that, but in general, it requires having a relationship that is valued.

When my wife said to me when we were dating, "either you stop smoking or I start", it was an ultimatum I gave into because, I didn't want to date a smoker. It was a win/win - neither of us wanted to date a smoker, neither of us ended up dating a smoker. It helped a lot that my wife is hot - never underestimate attraction.

Is desperation attractive, is demanding people to act according to you wishes the kind of behavior that motivates action? It is quite childish and definitely not the go to process for a leader to say, Unless you yadayada, I will... Because, once it has worked once, the same manipulation will be used again and again and each time, it will require a lower bar to jump for recall. Emotional terrorism and response conditioning. Don't give into tyrants and terrorists because it justifies their actions.

But, this is Steem, and while I am what I consider heavily invested in the outcomes, I am also not the type of person to do it at any cost. If someone uses this kind of manipulation tactic to get their way, I say - you are not the type of person I need here. If you threaten to quit and don't - you have shown your impotence. It is a little pathetic.

What there should be is an account brick mechanism, where those who walk off in a huff can flick a switch and kill their account. All follower connections are disconnected, all autovotes taken away and all that will remain is the ability to power down and transfer whatever Steem one has left and, the history of the account on the immutable Blockchain. Consequences to behavior.

But of course, we all get somewhat emotional from time to time too and often it is coupled and driven by fear of loss and other factors of influence. We all freak out a little occasionally, say and do stupid things, but there are some who use the ploy far too often, so either they know what they are doing in an attempt to manipulate, or don't have the emotional control to manage themselves - either way, not the kind of person I trust.

Some who recognize it in themselves come back and say "sorry, I tripped-out a bit there, I am okay now", others pretend they never did, some are so narcissistic they convince themselves they never did. How many times can someone freak out or attempt emotional ransom before you stop paying attention, how many times can a leader personality prove themselves unworthy before you stop following?

And this is the problem for those who want to be leaders of a community, a movement or a company - if the process is,

follow me and do as I say or else I am going to punish you by leaving

it means that one is not a leader at all, one is a tyrant. A leader is someone who gets support for - what they do, what they believe, what they project, their attitude, their personality and the way they make others feel. A leader is able to gather people around them because they offer more than upvotes, more than kind words, more than promises.

My daughter isn't even 3 and seems to have a better grasp on leadership than most adults these days. You will likely all end up working for her one day - and be grateful for the opportunity. But for those that want to leave, I wish you well.

For those who want to stay, there is always a lot of work to do.
And it requires more than push-ups.

Taraz
[ a Steem original ]

Learning to say SORRY is not a bad comeback approach. But, sorry is meaningless if over used because it has a "Boy who cried wolf" affect.

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I recently went through this a few weeks back. The owner of a web page whom I had had debates with prior before and was always promised if things were left as is there would be a time to come back later for more open discussion on it. Those times never arrived. Once I did stop following the page because threats of death is never acceptable from the beginning let alone any further discussion needed in the future. Several months later they changed the policy and I went back. He had asked me several times to be a moderator on the page, and finally I accepted his offer. When disputes of difference arose it always ended up we'll leave it like it always been for now then come back and discuss it later. Which was usually countered with nothing ever changes that way so best it be I just leave, there is never any compromise...but I always gave in. Then came the day where I did exactly what I did before.. I left because as you say, "If you threaten to quit and don't - you have shown your impotence. It is a little pathetic." ...and especially after someone publicly humiliates you by expanding upon the problem rather then compromising upon it. When you say to someone I trust and value your opinion you really don't when you decided to quash that trust. I know the person upon whom we were discussing his post is what he would also consider a valued poster but to not only let him violate the rules, rules that I myself were called out on occasionally to follow for years there, but expand upon it by adding to it showed he really didn't trust and value my opinion. I was willing to go fifty/fifty to save face between two valued posters but he decided in the end to totally quash my trust, judgement and opinion with another promise of discussing it later. That wasn't an option that time, that would have left me looking pathetic, a joke no one would take seriously again. I wrote him a email later that evening explaining why there's differences between agreeing on coming back later to discuss an issue isn't the same as accepting that someone violated trust and I hoped he could see why I couldn't move forward with that. People have to trust that you mean what you say.

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It is amazing how seriously people take on line life these days, with death threats and rage being common go tos. Strange world we have engineered and willingly adhere to.

Be glad you don’t have a child with adhd where everything that doesn’t go their way is a personal and malicious and completely unprovoked attack or “cheating” (we’re getting better) 😝

Ahh I remember that behaviour from DeviantArt. There were so many people who would cause drama and dramatically announce that they were rage quitting only to return some time later blaming their siblings or housemates for sneakily accessing their devices and causing all the problems (or it will be their autism or Aspergers that made them do it which in some cases is plausible but I’m pretty sure a lot of them think it’s a get out of jail free card regardless of whether they have enough quirks for an official diagnosis or not) 🙄🤣

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Be glad you don’t have a child with adhd where everything that doesn’t go their way is a personal and malicious and completely unprovoked attack or “cheating” (we’re getting better)

This sounds a lot like being on Steem :D

only to return some time later blaming their siblings or housemates for sneakily accessing their devices and causing all the problems

I was hacked!! :)

A lot of people have excuses that are rare conditions.

Why would anyone threaten to leave Steem because of you? Wait... Maybe I misunderstand something...

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No, it was in regards to another person threatening to leave. There have been many over the years, some do leave, many also com back - again and again.

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Winners never quit... (at least the thing that they want to win).

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This is what makes me wonder. I understand it can be difficult for some people to earn here and the like but, the entire blockchain is 3 years old, the entire industry 10. So early in the game - but that also explains the attrition rate as most don't handle volatility well.

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They have chicken vision instead of an eagle vision...

Everyone seem to be mocking push-ups lately. I wonder if it's an internal joke at some secret chat or something...

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Internal Steem blockchain joke. :)

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i missed the joke?

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hahaha I can grasp it. ;)

great article, by the way, it's full of painful truths.

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:)
Thanks, it is fun to have such a vibrant and diverse community because it brings up a lot of issues that we can all learn something from. Hopefully in time, we find some solutions too.

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i missed all that posts, i would like to know who is mocking it and why

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I missed all that posts,
I would like to know who is
Mocking it and why

                 - bil.prag


I'm a bot. I detect haiku.

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Don't know man, I completely ignore what's the inner joke about, but ai can pick it up realky easy about who it is. After all it seems that the good old soft-bullying is still taking place here... So much for rebranding and newsteem and all that... but the attitude doesn't seem to change.

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i do know about who it is, but i don't know why would anyone mocked someone who gave away shit load of steem, and managed to get 300-600 tweets about steem every day.

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Yes, nice write up backed up with your experiences. A leader should use his capability to mobilize the people in a direction not scatter away them with ultimatums.

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scattered to the winds

Well said. People need to act less like a spoiled child and more like responsible people in business. Tantrums and threats don’t accomplish much of anything and just end up making things worse. If one freaks out and apologizes once, sure it happens. If it’s routine then it’s just enabled behavior at that point.

I hear you on the kid! You set the rules early and keep them and it works out in the long run for both you and them!

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If it’s routine then it’s just enabled behavior at that point.

And then later, we expect them to change after we have supported them not to.

I hear you on the kid! You set the rules early and keep them and it works out in the long run for both you and them!

So far in this regard, we have been incredibly lucky I think. But then, she is almost 3 and is yet to see a TV program :D

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That’s incredible 3 years! I don’t like most kids TV programming but we found a good YouTube personality that we find has good educational content called Blippi. Though using YT kids is the preferable way to access it since it’s a bit more filtered. Maintaining no TV for as long as possible would be fantastic though, keep it up!

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It hasn't been that easy to do because there are some other complications that take a lot of time and effort, so the temptation to stick her in froont of a screen is there. However, she can read her alphabet, count and add and subtract a little, speak two languages natively, and sings constantly.

Going on her parents, it isn't genetic.

Unless you transfer all your steem to me I'm leaving.

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Should I repost the photo? :D

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Yeah yeah...

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Sometimes people are just tired. They've got themselves into a corner, it can feel like only they care, they have an outburst - so easy in this digital world - when, maybe, with a weekend off, or a bit of a mini-break, things would get a different perspective.

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Yeah, I completely agree. Sometimes a little time off, some space and reflection is required. But, isn't that something someone does who has the emotional control to catch it before the outburst?

I know over the last few years I have got frustrated and tired at times - generally my therapy is to write though :D

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I guess it's about learning and maturity :)

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learning and maturity

Life used to teach these naturally, perhaps the engineered environments enable immaturity and protection of emotions too much.

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Yeah, I was thinking about that. We've had a couple of burn-outs or, in some cases, crash and burns. It does seem to be around younger men who are isolated from any older/mediating influences, and a lot of focus on the hero identity - the one individual who is going to change the world.

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I think in general, emotional control isn't aided by the inernet as there is so much "on-demand" process involved and people are used to having their demands met. Then there is the everyone is a special snowflake and gets a prize no matter what skill or effort is applied. Maybe it makes them feel like heroes.

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