Today I'm having a pop at la belle France. A country with a beautiful sounding language even the Frenches don't want to speak. Yes, you heard it here first unless you it heard it somewhere else before. You see France has this academie that tells people what words they are allowed to use. They don't like foreign words invading their language. Such as polite, friendly or modest. I'm not sure what the penalty is for using foreign words. But they're Frenches, so no one gives a fuck what happens to them. They tried to outlaw the use of Breton, the language of Brittany. No fucking joke there. They brought in a law that it couldn't be spoken or taught in schools. The Frenches hate everyone, but they hate French Canadian's most of all. For their funny accents and tendency to use loan words. Which leads on to the meat of this story. The young lady pictured below is French. Meaning she's from France. Emilie Dubois has lived in Canada for several years. She took her doctorate in a French Canadian university. Then when she applied for immigrant status it was denied on the grounds she failed to demonstrate adequate French-language proficiency. The reason being, in her doctoral thesis there was one chapter written in English. For publication in an English language journal, she admits. Canada the inclusive, non discriminatory nation, that narcissistic sociopathic cunt Justin Trudeau is premier of, thinks writing something in English means you cannot speak French properly. The lunatics have taken over the asylum. Asylum seekers heading to Canada beware.
(The copyright to this image is the property of Emilie Dubois.)
Sonora excused herself from the reunited couple, strode over to the drawbridge and hammered on it with the side of her fist, before rejoining them. The top of the door jerked forward two meters, the elf winced. It then descended in a graceful motion until it rested on the ground. Trumpets blared and something the size of an elephant and the shape of a rhino crossed with a hippo came through drawing a large enclosed wagon on six wheels behind it.
"Oh bugger." The eleven princess exclaimed. "I'm supposed to be on that. Sorry. Please excuse me again. I'll be right back. Lifting her long skirt she sprinted over to the wagon, jumping up to pull herself onto a ledge that ran around its edge. With cat like reflexes she hurried to a small door. Entering it. The back of the long wagon came through. Followed by a small column of about forty soldiers bearing spears and shields. They marched along in perfect time. Around twenty of them. Short, squat, dark grey in color and with huge irregular curved teeth.
"Don't you dare ask Sonora if they're orcs, or I'm going to start hitting you again." Scarlet muttered.
"That was the furthest thing from my mind." Jake responded with feigned innocence.
"You've got to admit they do look like orcs though. At least the fictional ones I've seen. Do you think Tolkien stole the idea?"
"You could always ask the princess, if you want to know."
"Is there any likelihood you'll hit me if I do?"
"It's a certainty. You've embarrassed me enough already. After the week I've just had, you're lucky I don't shoot you again."
"I've got the only pistol." He spun it round his finger and reholstered.
"I've got enough arrows to turn you into a porcupine." Jake stifled a chuckle. She turned on him. "Oh I know you only too well. Thank God I did the introductions. You were going to say we were Wilhelmina Scarlet and Robin Hood weren't you?"
Looking down at his feet, twisting one in the dirt.
"I might have been. It's odd though isn't it. I always thought the elves and the orcs were mortal enemies. One good and the other evil. Unless?"
She huffed fatalistically.
"Alright. Spit it out. Let's get this out of the way now. Maybe that way you won't blurt it out in company."
"Well we've only got Tolkien's word for it the elves were the good guys. It might be the other way round and those soldiers are slaves or something even more sinister. The elves might have corrupted some dwarfs by crossing them with hobbits."
"What the fuck goes on inside that head of yours? They could have squished us with that drawbridge if they wanted. Right now we could be red stains on the ground."
"They might want to capture us for orc breeding purposes. We can't lower our guard, just because they seem nice. It could be a ploy."
Her lovely eyebrows arched.
"I think Sonora is more interested in you for "breeding" purposes if you ask me."
Jake looked shocked and intrigued.
"What? You mean... Do you think she fancies me? I'm not very good at picking up on these things, but if you see some attraction it must be. She was really nice to me."
"I'm just fucking with ya." She admitted. "Sonora was just being polite. The chances of you and her doing the dirty are less than zero. Sorry to disappoint you."
"I'm not disappointed. I was just... a bit flattered. That's all. I mean hanging around with orcs all day, I must look like a real prize."
"Bullshit and you know it. Two minutes ago you were worried she was going to have you banging pigs to produce orcs. That soon changed when you thought you were going to get into her underwear. Your little ears pricked up then. And I bet that wasn't all that did."
"I was only being sexually curious. Even if she wanted me I wouldn't have." His brain had kicked into gear before he said those three little words he'd waited thousands of lifetimes to hear. It surprised him how much they actually meant, after all that denial. " Oh Christ look. There's more of them."
While they'd been talking the soldiers had marched through, followed by elf archers and some other followers. Possibly nobles or even servants. It was an entirely different culture. Not to mention species. No dwarfs yet. Another rank of elves came through as they watched. The formation had moved away from the gate and into the town where they stood in lines. Finally a much less organised mass entered this reality. Disappointingly for Jake, the little ones were children rather than hobbits. Each holding the hand of an adult. Some of whom were orcs as well. Wearing skirts. Did that make them female? He'd never heard of female orcs. If he asked it would have to be when Scarlet wasn't around.
The long wagon had stopped of course. The various columns taking up position around it. All of the children looked to be around the same age. Seven or eight years old. If one judged them by human standards. One of the, possibly, orcs marched up to the long wagon. His armor was a bit better than the others meaning he had to be an officer. He yelled something in a guttural language. About a quarter of the side of the wagon opened to form a ramp when it reached the dirt. Another blast of trumpets prior to Sonora, and presumably her husband, regally striding down. They both wore sparkling diadems and stared straight ahead. Jake had never seen so many platinum blondes in one place before. Some of the male elves had quite short hair. A few had at least one side of their scalps almost shaven. Oh boy. So many questions he was afraid to ask. For fear of domestic abuse. At least it showed she cared. While the ceremony was going on he looked at her. Unable to prevent himself going all gooey inside.
The assembly bowed as the royal couple reached the end of the ramp, stepping on the land. The women lifting their skirts, the men placing their arms across their chests. The commander of the orcs thumped the shaft of his spear on the ground, before lowering the tip to the earth. At which point it all dissolved. The soldiers awaited their officers commands, but as for the rest they all drifted over to Jake and Scarlet. Keeping a respectful distance as Sonora made her way through the throng. With some chatting in an unknown language. Possibly eleven.
"Hello again." She breezed, unbuttoning her corset. "Praise Elmar that's over. Believe me after 50 or 60 times in both directions, that gets real old. Gotta keep up the tradition though. Every cycle's the same. Until this one. Welcome to the Centrum. Assuming you haven't been here since we left. I expect you have a lot of questions Jake and Scarlet. Could I please ask that you leave them for later. We've got a lot to do. We'll have to reopen the Gahlan, or portal, to bring our belongings through. But we have encountered humans before, so yes we are what you would call elves. Immortal magical beings. We tend not to use magic. It's a pain to be honest. Technology is much better in a lot of ways." She pointed towards the twin peaks. "The dwarfs are over there, they should be waking up soon. And finally as far as we know there are no such thing as hobbits or halflings. Oh. Nearly forgot. The orcs and elves made peace about 10,000 years ago. Constant war became tiresome."
She was looking at them expectantly. Jake dare not say anything. He was relieved when Scarlet released the pressure by speaking for both of them.
"There are more of us. Humans that is. Several ships. We arrived here by accident. Through one of the Gahlen, as you call them. It just opened up on our vessel and we found ourselves here. You wouldn't have had anything to do with that would you?"
"Not to my knowledge. The Gahlen aren't actually able to exist here. At least not permanently. We'll have to investigate after we've finished moving back in. No rest for the wicked." One of the orcs ran up with a message he whispered into Sonora's ear. She sent him back on his way. "One of our scouts has spotted a ship coming up the river. Might they have anything to do with you?"
Jake and Scarlet looked at each other. The ice having been broken he thought it would be okay for him to speak.
"Yes. It's probably our ship the Nemesis. Is that going to be a problem?"
"Certainly not. The more the merrier as far as we're concerned. It's been rather boring for the last dozen or so cycles. No new faces for hundreds of years. It might be thousands. They should be here very shortly. Perhaps you'd like to go meet your fellow travelers while we get the movers in."
He could sense the reluctance in Scarlet. It was to be expected. When they'd both unwillingly left the ship things hadn't been exactly settled. She wouldn't know what kind of welcome to expect from the crew. The captain and former captain greeting them could be tricky.
"Let's go for a walk." He held out his hand.
Scarlet looked at it clasping it warmly. She squeezed, he squeezed back. Looking into those brown eyes. A man could lose himself in them.
"I'm still angry with you, you know. That was stupid and reckless what you did. But I suppose if you hadn't I'd never have met my first elves."
"So am I forgiven?"
"Are you balls."
Sonora laughed as she walked away.