In this article you will learn:
What kills our trust;
How to cope with a feeling of deceived trust;
What kind of people can be trusted.
Has it ever happened to you ...
Did you trust a person who did not value this and did not care about your interests?
Was your trust once used against you?
You did not trust a certain person, although you did not have objective reasons for mistrust?
What kills our trust
- Another's manipulations.
“You are not an open person! You are not opening up to me! ” Remember how you felt if you heard it in your address. Maybe you felt guilty, irritated or other emotion? Would you like to “open up” and trust in response?
As a rule, it is precisely those people who do not deserve it that accuse us of mistrust!
Trust is a favorite "hook" of the manipulator. Imagine how convenient it is to build relationships (both personal and business) with a person who completely trusts you. It is advisable to blindly, without asking unnecessary questions and not demanding anything in return. When the manipulation is revealed, and the person suffers, the psyche begins to build a “line of defense”, psychological defenses are turned on. Suddenly there is a headache and boredom when talking with your mother, next to your girlfriend you notice that you are “smart”, in the company of colleagues who are trying to find out how you are on your personal front, you become self-conscious ... The more severe the pain, the more stronger psychological protection - so that in the future nothing of the kind would happen anymore.
WHAT TO DO? Trust your inner instinct! You have every right to be a secretive person in some matters. And you have every right with some people to be a tightly closed person, to all locks and stubs. Distrust is a defensive reaction of the psyche, so unconscious care about our psychological safety! The main thing is that you have a circle of people whom you truly trust and to whom you open up whenever you want. And the rest access to your inner world through passes and invitations.
- Dysfunctional childhood.
Do you know why cribs are made with transparent walls in maternity hospitals? Doctors noticed that newborns who can see the room and other people are calmer and less sick than those who see only the blank walls and ceiling. Even such a trifle, as it would seem, like the walls of the baby's crib, affects his condition (both emotional and physical)! What can we say about the influence of parents on the child in the first years of life!
Imagine how it feels to be a newborn baby. You are lying in a crib, completely helpless and dependent on your parents. You cannot ask you to be fed a little more often or, conversely, less often, to touch softer, to make bathing water warmer or cooler, to smile, to caress differently.In infancy, we are totally dependent on the parental attitude and care that we receive. But the basic trust / distrust of the world is formed in childhood, up to 3 years! If during this period a person received insufficiently loving attention and caring care from his parents, if he was left alone for a long time and did not respond to crying, he grows up with the feeling “the world is dangerous and full of threats”, without even realizing where it came from.
WHAT TO DO? Replenish children's deficit of attention, host and inessential love, care, etc. One of the best books on the topic of traumatic childhood, written by a professional psychotherapist - “Drama of a gifted child and the search for his own“ I ”Alice Miller. If a person knows that his childhood was unfavorable and experiences psychological difficulties in adulthood, then most likely the reasons lie in the deeper layers of the psyche. To get there, you need a systematic, hard work on yourself. It is very difficult to work out your childhood alone, as this requires empathic, invaluable support from a person who did not participate in the events of his childhood.
- Psychological trauma.
There is a stereotype that a “closed”, closed person is either evil, or he has something to hide. There is even such a saying, "devils are in a quiet pool." But often the cause of “closure” is psychological trauma. What could cause injury? The death of a loved one, a forced change of residence, adultery, divorce, breakup, family conflict (with parents or children), dismissal from work, physical illness, abortion, etc. Any difficult life circumstances that a person cannot cope with.
The psyche is protected in different ways. In some cases, it acts like a military bunker, isolating itself from the external environment and everything potentially dangerous. While the “war is on” outside, a person plunges into himself, becomes uncommunicative and incredulous. Why? He simply has no internal resources. All mental energy is spent on maintaining a familiar lifestyle and self-preservation. To trust another is how to get out of the bunker without knowing whether the war is over.
WHAT TO DO? If you are experiencing grief or crisis, you need self-care and a gentle regime. This is like a protracted cold: more relaxation, healthy food and “medicine” in the form of good books, films and people. Think about who can support you in word and deed? Warm trusting relationships with a close, time-tested person will help you recover faster. If a serious state of grief lasts longer than 6 months, this condition is pathological, and you should consult a psychologist or psychotherapist.
People to Trust
Trusting in a relationship means taking risks. So that you don’t have a bitter aftertaste from trust, we’ll figure out who should be trusted, and from whom it is better to keep your distance.
Remember the people in your environment and look at the “Circles of Confidence” chart. Write the names of your friends and relatives near the circle to which they belong. Start with a circle of verbal help, then go to emotional help and end with a circle of physical help.
People who can provide verbal help. They are ready to discuss what concerns us, ask about the situation, advise something or give a useful contact.
Question: Will the people whose names you remember provide emotional or physical help if you need it?
People who help emotionally. This is our “moral support group,” which will cheer or sympathize at the right time. Beside them, you feel that they are "for you." As a rule, such people are ready to help with advice.
Question: How do you think / feel, will they help you with real deeds, if necessary? Or are there reasons and circumstances for which they cannot do this?
People helping chores. They are ready to lend, help out, “substitute a shoulder”, but are not always responsive emotionally and can be fairly straightforward in communication.
Question: Are there people in your environment who can help with deed, word, and feeling?
TRUST is a huge VALUE; it cannot be taken back. It is better to think a hundred times and trust once, than to trust a hundred times, and then think whether it was worth trusting. However, there is no 100% insurance against deceived trust! The closest person, tested over the years, may one day refuse to help, condemn, betray, etc. Therefore, the best defense against deceived trust is our internal resource, our own psychological well-being. After all, if the psychological immunity is strong, then it will cope with any mental illness.