Damn, what to write about today?? There have been so many things going on in my world, lately i've actually felt quite consumed by it all. Its when it gets to much, and my head gets far to loud, that in a moment of near pure desperation I surrender absolutely everything, and by doing that, I pull back all the layers, everything falls off me, and I feel pure bliss and complete serenity.
So why do I have to get quite that bad before I make the decision to allow that serenity happen? Why can't I live in surrender, allowing stuff to flow to and from my life? I know why... Because of attachments. To people. To situations. To possessions that I want to keep hold of. To things that i want a specific outcome with. To the way I look. To the way I want people to see me. To the way I eat, drink, move. SO MANY attachments and apparent reasons to allow myself to stress and put myself in a fearful, low frequency.
These moments of serenity are happening more and more as i notice myself going down the spirals much easier now. But with noticing this, an odd thought has come up in my mind a few times since yesterday....and that is, that I'm kind of over being "Jess". Now, I really dont want this to be perceived the wrong way, so let me explain. Im over being the "Jess" that deep down really does worry about what people think about me, even though I say I dont. Im over being the "Jess" that allows myself to worry about stuff that I can't control. Im over being the jess that allows myself to worry over the stuff I can control. I'm over being the "Jess" that changes how she speaks. Im over not feeling like ME!
I need to be a Jess that makes moves!
Ok, so I kind of just let my fingers type really really fast today. I think these words are honest, and show the space I am currently in. Ha, sometimes i feel like I have been stuck here for a while though, like i have had this realisation before. Maybe just in a smaller way? With smaller answers to the same feelings? And now it feels so big that I am finally ready to make bigger moves in the direction of ME. What is the next move? If I'm over being "Jess" , and dont want to feel weighed down by all her bullshit, then who am I? Hmmm....maybe I get to create her, or maybe I dig deeper and pull her from with in to this outside world. I think they might be the same thing... lets see ;)