I've been told by friends and family that I've lost the will to live. I've struggled for some time trying to figure out how to write about this topic as I feel misunderstood and not sure how to explain what I'm going through.
Prior to 2001, I went through 20+ years of depression, anxiety, addictions, hospitalizations and even suicide attempts. I worked hard to recover from that phase of my life and I feel I've done an exemplary job at it. In fact, if I was to look back over my life, I would say that healing myself was THE most important and impressive accomplishment of my entire life. It was a cornerstone of my time here and prepared me for the work that I do now, helping others with their relationships!
During that period, I looked death in the face. I had to as contemplating suicide is all about finding the courage to greet death and reject life. But my health issues over the past three years are very different. I wanted to make sure that my relationship with death was a healthy one, not one rooted in fear. I've been talking about that relationship openly and found a way to embrace the inevitable loss of my vessel with love, appreciation, anticipation and acceptance. Let's face it, nobody is getting out of here alive!
The problem is that people are interpreting my efforts as if I lost the will to live, when in fact the opposite is true. I have a strong will to live and I will do all I can to make sure that this life continues for many, many years. So I wondered why people would make such assumptions despite my assurances? Even my wife mentioned it to me this morning and it really got me reflecting on this whole process. Just because I've come to terms with my death does not mean that I've given up on life!
How many of us have a healthy relationship with death?
I'm going to suggest not many. We are all here to learn about what healthy relationships are all about. The scope of those relationships deal with our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, each other, Creator, Mother Earth and all other life. But the scope should also include DEATH. We cannot have life without death and if we refuse to embrace death, then how can we live?
I can honestly say that I'm no longer afraid to die. In fact, I'm rather excited about the prospect as I know that my vessel will return to Mother Earth and I will return to the Spiritual Realm where I get to go on my next adventure. Yes, there are many times where I get frustrated and just want to go home, to the Spiritual Realm. But that does not mean that I'm ready to end it all just to bug out. I fully recognize that death is not the end of me, but rather an end to this journey. So what is there to be afraid of? Pain? The unknown? Life?
I started exploring my relationship with death back in 2001 when I recovered from depression and learned about what it takes to have healthy relationships. As a result, the fear that keeps most people stuck as feudal slaves to the state and in violent relationships did not trap me. How else did I find the courage to tell the government to fuck off if I did not trust that the worse they could do was kill my body, but never my spirit? It is the realization that I'm a Spiritual being that freed me from the grips that all tyrants and abusers depend on.
Having my body start to deteriorate due to cancer and what ever else is going on, added another layer to the relationship. I've wanted a "good" death and I work hard to have a spectacular life to celebrate it all together. I've lived more in the last 15 years than I did in the previous 40. I've lived and accomplished more on a personal level than most people stuck in the system in their 90's.
So how do I not succumb to the fear of cancer and heal my body without the help of the medical mafia? My first step was to embrace and confront death rather than avoid it. Most people refuse to even believe that they are dying or at risk of dying. Ignorance does not serve any relationship. So I got blunt with myself and kept being honest with the reality that I was facing. My vessel is in danger and I best pay attention to that fact and address it in a healthy way!
I reconciled my life and I prepared myself to go if that was my fate. I also worked hard to keep going in life, but limited energy and mobility were new realities that I had to accept. I focused on healing my body, changing some of my thoughts and behaviours to help my vessel heal. I had to reconcile the fact that I'm not capable of physically doing stuff that I could even a few short years ago. Guilt and shame also needed to be addressed as they come up frequently when my own independence fails and I now depend on others to help me. These are not easy to do, especially since I'm so fiercely independent.
The problem is that this approach appeared to people like I lost faith, hope and that I was depressed. I know what those feelings are and I was so far away from it. I was sad and hurting while I processed profound feelings, but I was no where near depressed. I really do think that my talking about my feelings and death specifically made people feel very uncomfortable and the only interpretation they could find was that I was ready to give up. It did not seem to matter how much I tried to explain it, they just did not comprehend what I was doing.
By confronting my relationship with death, I live life more freely than I've ever lived it before. Why live in fear all the time? People are so afraid of dying that they would sell their souls, freedom, wealth or even their family in order to extend life through artificial means.
Not me. A good death is more clear to me now. A good death means dying without that fear. Death is the ultimate ceremony and companion for life and I want mine to be damn good! I feel that I've really come to terms with the relationship and now I can focus on healing my vessel now as a result.
I know people around me are not going to understand what I'm doing and I pray that this post helps clarify the journey that I've been on. There is a lot yet that I want to accomplish in this life time and I'm still young enough to get a lot of it done.
All I ask is that people work hard to see past the process and hear what I am trying to say. I'm not depressed. I'm not giving up on life. I'm working through a process that was challenging and dark. I'm not afraid to look into the darkness and embrace it in my arms. In fact, that is what has saved me over the last 20 years. Death is the ultimate darkness that I reached in, grabbed it by the scruff of the neck and gave it a big hug. It was not pretty or comfortable, but I did it anyway! I did it because it is important to heal ALL aspects of my being while I'm here.
I ask my loved ones to see past their own fears, confusion and assumptions and hear what I am saying. I am alive and I will do what I can to love my vessel with all my heart and Spirit. Until we all confront death, it may be most difficult to relate to what I am doing.
My vessel is sacred and amazing. I love it dearly as it has made tremendous sacrifices to help my spirit learn and grow. The shit that I put it through over all these years leaves me wondering why it is still alive. But it warriors on with a grit and determination that leaves me humbled. It is willing to sacrifice itself for me, spirit! That demands respect!
That is what this post is about! This journey called life allows me to look within myself with an awe, humbleness, love, appreciation and respect for the gift that Creator and Mother Earth gave me; life! It is now up to me to reconcile all those relationships and come to terms with what life is all about. We cannot do that unless we confront death and bring both together in a dance that astounds the heavens and the earth.
I am 100% responsible and accountable for my body, mind, feelings and spirit. I will give others the benefit of the doubt if they want to chime in, but in the end I will make the final say as to where I am at, what I am doing and how I am feeling. I rebuke all attempts to suggest that I'm depressed or giving up on life.
See me. Hear me. Feel me. Love me. Heal me. I forgive you all. I love you all. May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love.
Diamond Glacier Adventures CC BY 2.0
Get the lion off your back!