Another letter to Amanda.

7개월 전

Dear Amanda.
As always I hope you're doing well where ever you are.

I can't believe it's been 7 years now.. It feels like it was yesterday.
I continue to feel guilty I've been able to be here so much longer than you..

I know you wouldn't want me to feel that way, it's just something I haven't been able to get over and probably never will.

It's disturbing to me to think about how short your stay was here and I feel like I don't deserve to be here as much as you.

You did make an amazing impact with your time here, I wish you had more time and can only imagine how much different life would be if you did.

I still think about you on a regular basis and it's difficult for me to accept you're not here physically. I have a feeling it always will be, no matter how long I live or what happens in life..

My life recently has been a bit challenging. I'm still poor and feel stuck and I realize I'm getting older.. Starting to get grey hairs and wrinkles and.. It just doesn't seem fair that you didn't get to be here as long as me.

I still haven't met anyone else in a romantic sense that I feel like I could be with who hasn't given up on me. I'm still trying, though.. I just have my doubts I'll ever meet someone sometimes.

That was something I wanted to experience not just for me, but for you as well cause I know you would probably not want me to be alone and also I wanted to do it for you because I know that's something you wanted to experience and I was hoping that if I did that that you could experience it through me in spirit in a weird sort of way.

I feel ashamed and disappointed I haven't been able to do that for you, for myself, for all my friends and family and the world in general cause I know I could have been so much more to so many more people and such a more loving and helpful presence on the planet if I had someone else in my life and didn't have to go through it alone.

So.. Now I'm mostly just focusing on making money and getting my physical fitness and health in better order and hopefully some day it happens but if not, oh well. At least I got to meet you.. And I got to go on that magical walk with you and get a few hugs and spend around half a year talking with you.

Getting to know you made my whole life worth it and it's fine if I never meet anyone else and remain pretty much a virgin for my whole life. Sometimes I wonder how I could even ask for more? Getting to know you briefly means so much to me. I feel like one of the luckiest people on the planet that I had a chance to get to know you.

Recently I've been exploring the dream world a lot more and I talked to some people who made me think maybe we can talk to our loved ones in the dream world.. I dunno if that's true or not, but I would like to meet you in the dream world if possible.

I used to dream about you pretty often though it has been a while since you showed up in one of my dreams. I hope we can meet in the dream world before too much longer.. It would be great to see you. :)

In regards to other stuff going on with my life, I should hopefully be getting a new job soon which should hopefully help me turn around my life for the better.
And I've also been doing the IFC contest which is incredibly satisfying for me, there haven't been as many players as last year I think mostly cause the whole crypto market is down but there's still a good group of players and it's been a ton of fun so far!

I still have hopes and dreams that the IFC contest is going to be really big and popular one day, and that through that I can make a more positive change in the world.

I think a lot of that depends on what the crypto market does, though I'm happy to continue doing it even with a small amount of people and even if the prizes aren't very big.. It's truly a unique and rewarding experience that I feel incredibly grateful to be a part of.

Sometimes it's hard to keep going and I feel lost and like nothing I do matters very much anymore, though then I think of you and how brave and strong and loving you were and I know I need to keep trying to do whatever good I can in this world while I'm still here.

You're such an amazing person, I feel endlessly grateful and fortunate I was able to meet you and I look forward to meeting you again in my dreams or when I finally pass to the next world.

Thanks for being one of the best friends I ever had in this life and for being someone I will always cherish and remember.
Much love always and.. Bye until next time, my friend. <3

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I don't know if it's possible to have these same thoughts and feelings towards someone as you've laid out here..., this is divine, I want to say exactly all this to someone whose made me feel this way too, but I've held back for so long, I've held back for so long because shes married now, so even if im feeling these things I just keep suppressing it. I've come to terms with her relationship status a long time ago, but what I had with her was magical, I don't even keep in touch with her anymore, but I want to tell her this, I want to tell her all of this. Do you think I should? This write up has consumed me.

I know I indicated my interest in joining the IFC but im still yet to submit any post, I know its said we could post anything we liked to write about, truth is I want to use those topics given and I have to do some research, but my timing does'nt do too well here, electricity is a huge disturbance for me, nevertheless, I'm still on it and appreciate the fact that you told me about it, I hope it becomes what you dream of it to be in the nearest future.

And thanks for bearing your heart like this. You're not alone.

Cheers

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this is divine, I want to say exactly all this to someone whose made me feel this way too, but I've held back for so long, I've held back for so long because shes married now, so even if im feeling these things I just keep suppressing it. I've come to terms with her relationship status a long time ago, but what I had with her was magical, I don't even keep in touch with her anymore, but I want to tell her this, I want to tell her all of this. Do you think I should?

Thanks for the feedback, I was touched by your response in numerous ways. I can't answer the question for you that you asked as that is only something you can decide for yourself. However.. I can offer some opinions and thoughts.

I think it's really important to express yourself and to say things you want to say rather than regretting it and wishing you would have said it later on, HOWEVER.. It's possible that you telling this person such things could conflict with their current relationship in unexpected or problematic ways, so that is something you must figure out if it's worth it to you to potentially create feelings in them after they are now married with someone else.

I would also say that I've experienced something SOMEWHAT similar with another woman I fell for except it wasn't as deep because I felt like she broke my trust and it was difficult for me to fully forgive her and I was only recently able to do that, she's engaged to someone else now and even though she broke my heart and my trust I told her that she meant a lot to me and explained the ways in which she enriched my life and I felt like it was a good thing to do that. I personally would rather speak my truth than worry about how that might effect her current relationship because I'm a very outspoken person and.. I think it's important to speak your truth.

Though as I said I can't personally try to answer your question or suggest what you should do because that is not my place to do so, you must weigh the different factors in your mind and decide what you think is best. Whether you do or don't I wish you luck though, based on reading some of your other poetry and thoughts it sounds like you are very similar in your thoughts about romance and love and I think it's great you can hold so much compassion and care for someone who has seemingly left you behind. I think that is very admirable and to me that is a form of "true love" because they can no longer really in a "further" sense benefit your life more than they already have since they have moved on and are with someone else, thus your motives are about as pure as they can be since you care so much about them even though they can't really do anything for you and have moved on with someone else. I think that's beautiful even though I'm sure it hurts a lot as it does with me as well.

In regards to the IFC, no worries. I'm glad you considered it and we just started round 7 out of a planned 20 for this season, so you still have plenty of time left to try! We're not even half way through yet and you only need to score 1 point to make it to the finals to get a chance at the grand prize.
I just started a new round today which is a sort of poetry word game which is really easy in my opinion that you might be interested in trying since it seems like you enjoy language so much as well! But if you're not able to for whatever reason there will still be like 13 more opportunities this season. :) I hope you'll be able to enter at least once though I understand if you don't for whatever reason.

And thanks for bearing your heart like this. You're not alone.

You're welcome. Thank you as well for the encouragement in regards to the IFC dream and also by letting me know I'm not alone. I appreciate that! All the best to you mistakili.

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Thank you because your post spurred in me the courage that made me feel better,.. I expressed as much in my post here, I did tell her, and I loved that I did. https://busy.org/@mistakili/gratitude

Yess Poetry! Stoked, thanks.

Another letter to Amanda remains one of my best posts here...

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You're welcome, thank you for sharing your experience and I'm happy to hear that our interaction has had such a positive outcome for you! That's awesome that you feel better and it just goes to show that you never know how what you share might effect someone else.. Just like my letter here reached you in a certain way, maybe what you shared with your previous lover will have a very meaningful effect on her as well. And just any given piece of poetry or personal stories or artwork may ripple out in ways we could never predict and touch countless lives, or just one. And even if it touches just one person, then I think that makes it well worth it. Even if it touches no one, at least we tried. <3 And I think that's important as well cause if we try enough we will likely grow ourselves and eventually reach others as well. :)

Dude, you're gonna make me cry! This is so beautiful, oh my god.

I can't imagine what you must have went through and the way you expressed how much she means to you really shows how deep your love was for her.

I know you can't have her back and it still hurts like hell when you think about her, but the only piece of advice I can give you right now, is to become that man that she would've wanted you to become. That's how you make her proud. That's how you honor her memory and the love you two shared.

I don't know how old you were when you first met her but judging from your writing, I'm assuming you guys were pretty young, and young love always hits the hardest. I'm so glad that you wrote this letter to her. I'm sure she's smiling at you from somewhere high up there.

Seriously man, this is probably the most beautiful thing I've read in this month. You are such a genuine man and I honestly and most sincerely hope the very best for you. Please know that you're not alone in this and you can talk to me about it any time you want. I'm always here to listen.

Stay strong, buddy.

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Sorry if you cried. I tend to do that with these letters.. I've been writing her for 7 years now and I've had quite a few people tell me similar. I plan to keep writing her for the rest of my life at least 3 times a year. Around when we met, on her birthday and on the day she passed. And yes the love was and still is strong.. I cried like I was dying when I found out and cried for days and weeks and months pretty ferociously. Years even I'd say.. I don't cry as much anymore cause I know she wouldn't want it and have more deeply realized that in recent years, but I do still cry from time to time.. It's just not fair. It doesn't make sense.. I was 28 when I met her and she passed shortly after she turned 21.. She didn't get nearly enough time.. I know some get even less time than her and I told her that once.. It's tragic when people leave so young, and hurts even more when they are someone we love so much.

the only piece of advice I can give you right now, is to become that man that she would've wanted you to become. That's how you make her proud. That's how you honor her memory and the love you two shared.

You know.. I've told this to myself before a few times and heard it from others a few times.. But hearing it again really makes me stop and think.. You're right, and I'm not sure how I can do that to the fullest, but I have been trying to do that for a long time. I've dedicated my life to helping others even more than I did before I knew her as I was already trying to help others, but afterwards it's become like my main reason for living, just to try to help others.. Though I realize now I need to go even further and help myself more.. I need to try to really do those things I want to do, even if sometimes I feel like I'm too late and it's impossible.. Somehow I have to find a way. For her. And for me. Thank you for sharing your advice, it helped me to hear that right now.

I'm so glad that you wrote this letter to her. I'm sure she's smiling at you from somewhere high up there.

I hope so. :)

Seriously man, this is probably the most beautiful thing I've read in this month. You are such a genuine man and I honestly and most sincerely hope the very best for you. Please know that you're not alone in this and you can talk to me about it any time you want. I'm always here to listen.

Thanks for the nice words and for offering to be there if I need anyone to talk to. I really appreciate that. You seem like a good soul and I'm glad I met you. And.. Same to you also if you ever need someone to talk to.

Stay strong, buddy.

Will do my best. Thank you. Much love to you man.

Such a heartfelt letter @apolymask. It is a good thing to let out your feelings through writing, it brings closure.

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Thanks for the feedback angiemitchell. And yes.. I agree, I think it's really important to let out your feelings.. If I didn't find ways to do that I would be in a much worse place mentally I think. Especially in regards to poetry which I feel has helped me a lot, though these letters I write to Amanda as well have been very helpful, extremely so.. And it from time to time it appears as if my thoughts help others as well! Which I think is reason enough for me to continue doing so. If even one person is helped by my expression of my feelings, then it's worth it.

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I don't appreciate you advertising on this particular post of mine which is a sentimental letter to a loved one who passed away. Please don't advertise on my posts anymore.