the weather report #5 - w.e.13.10.17
the Weather this week in Baghdad will be Sun-Sun-Sun-Sun-Sun-clo...Sun and... Sun. the temperature will be at least 31C (87F) to 35C (95F). there will be 2% more humidity than last week, but there will also be 2mph slower winds. so the same there too. it's really quite lovely this time of year, you should go and visit, it is GUARANTEED the warmest winter sun your Travel Agent cannot book for you. try it, what's the worst that could happen? i mean, it is the cradle of mathematics and civilisation...
Baghdad - Business as Usual
SOUTH AMERICA - BRAZIL:
first there came the Kurds, next the Catalonians, then Catalonia changed their status to “it’s complicated” on Facebook and stopped all twitter updates on independence. and now residents of Brazilian southern states Rio Grande do Sul, Santa Catarina, and Paraná are about to vote on leaving the rest of Brazil to it’s own devices. along with most of Brazil, they are decidedly bored of having to vote for a president and then immediately impeach them, with some of the opinion that there might not actually be any point voting. there literally isn’t a single respectable individual in or around Brazilian politics today. the residents have reached breaking point, with Celso Deucher saying: “We prefer to return to Portugal than pay so dearly for continuing to be Brazilians”. Portugal said on Twitter that it was perfectly happy with the idea in principle. it is not yet known if they will be allowed to join the EU when the UK leaves. according to an EU spokesperson, though: “…that’s not really how it works”. it is hoped this will usher in a new age in grass roots politics or some genuine form of socialism in Brazil in place of the Workers Party, but probably they are just thinking about how to establish their own super-corrupt branches of government to try to steal state resources, suphon public money, divert cocaine & weapon funds and generally act like gangsters.
the southern version - may take a little getting used to
NORTH AMERICA - USA:
despite God's best attempts, the Western Deity just can’t seem to get the message across to the American people. after having taken away their homes, cars, garden, baseball, roads, infrastructure, gun ranges & electricity, seemingly with little effect, the benevolent but angry God has decided to finally hit them where it really hurts - by wiping out California’s main drug manufacturing facilities. as massive fires ravage the state, burning away the lions share of the wine industry and kicking California while it is down, as, the state that legalised marijuana ahead of almost anyone else… have now lost more marijuana than anyone else, EVER. the national weed community are crying in solidarity with scenes reminiscent of the 1990’s and the "war on drugs". but this time, with God at the helm, the war is being won quite comprehensively with the use of several well placed gusts of wind. many wine producers, facing the possibility of sobriety after 30+ years of constant lubrication are stating their desire to go down with the ship. the whole thing is really messed up - even the firemen are describing the situation as “a shitstorm”. this is why we cant have nice things, America!
"The Lads" - getting ready for a fly-by
AFRICA - Namibia: ISIS and Boko Haram both claim responsibility in what is being hailed [by the boko boys] as a successful dry run of the upcoming Liberian elections; and, in typically schizophrenic style, ISIS claim it is 1. a revenge attack for the drone assassination of top UK jihadi Sally Jones (where we murdered her 12 year-old child too, but “shh, we got a terrorist”); 2. a necessary strike against the kuffar-loving hippo infidels. The hippos are being singled out across the savannah by militant Islamic extremists as they refuse to wear black. in addition they angered Boko Haram as female hippos were parading around naked. due to the strained nature of the Muslim struggle, and having not felt the touch of a woman in a LONG time, the extremists blame the hippo girls for leading their men astray. the little teases. priority are still alive and well within Namibia with extinction way down the list and officials saying they: “would be alarmed if there were any further hippo deaths at the national park,” because: “[it’s] one of the country’s foremost tourist attractions”.
hippo sluts - teasing the men
AUSTRALASIA - NEW ZEALAND:
immigration officials are to deport a mentally retarded man because he is too expensive to care for. but the rest of his family can stay, because they either pay tax already or are in education (and therefore expected to start paying tax very soon). Narayan, however, has the mental age of a 6 year-old - and therefore isn’t going to be able to pay enough tax to be worth keeping in the country. it’s all about, horror of horrors, money. i know, right? who’d a thunk it, but it is. our Kiwi cousins have a habit of routinely denying anyone likely to cost the NZ government more than $41,000 NZD (£22k/€25k/$29k) permission to stay. the main issue though - Narayan just isn’t a media friendly story they can use. it’s just a lifetime of increasing costs, and despite the fact that the family have lived in NZ for 8 YEARS; never claimed support for their son and Narayan is assessed as costing only $16,000NZD/year - including schooling he (now 20 years old) is no longer eligible for - is irrelevant. quite how the number-crunchers managed to put 41k next to 16k and still come out on-top is anyone's guess. so immigration intend to ship a mentally retarded man-child back to Fiji, where they say he should look at “setting up a Skype arrangement” to stay in touch with his family. or they all have to go. or the kids can stay and the parents have to return to Fiji.
now - remember that “media friendly” bit from before? well, also 8 years ago a a transgender woman “who suffered years of discrimination and abuse in the UK” landed in NZ. well she has just been granted residency in New Zealand. on “humanitarian grounds”. really. The tribunals verdict was that it would be ‘unduly harsh’ to force her to return [to UK] after living discrimination-free in her adopted country. even though she is a 42 year-old IT specialist with a career, no significant needs and the mental age of a 42 year-old. but ,i guess she does pay taxes...
New Zealand - Going after the dwarves now
THE INTERWEB - ISRAEL/RUSSIA/USA:
those White Knights at Mosad are managing to dodge some rather important questions about overstepping their mark, AGAIN. well, again in 2015, when this all started, with Israeli spies hacking into online security company Kaspersky Lab (foundered 1997 by Russian, Eugene Kaperesky, just to thicken the plot a little more) and “observing” Russian spies already there, spying on American spies. Kaspersky officially strenuously deny all links to any spy agencies - and if you’ve been reading the weather report you’ll know what that means... interestingly, the Israelis, who hacked in last out of everyone, apparently, couldn’t say whether or not Kaspersky even knew about the hacks. at all. which must have been a shame because you would think that was exactly the kind of leverage the Israelis would have been in there looking for in the first place. so, for let’s say reasons unknown the Israelis are coming out on top, which almost certainly means the whole thing was their doing from the start, with the Russians taking the brunt of it - meaning that whilst obviously not innocent they have been manoeuvred first into a server, and then a digital gun fight, holding only their proverbial testicles. the Americans are taking such a kicking over everything at the moment that, somewhat pathetically, they’re being given a pass by the entire international spy ring community. even Iran, and those lacrosse-jocks are assholes. it is also unclear why after getting intelligence from the New York Times and Kaperesky Lab software being used to hack an NSA contractor, both in 2015, it has taken them until September 2017?! to end use of Kaperesky software across all departments of the Federal Government. well, by December 2017 they are planning to. because it isn’t like they may have compromised your entire secret government department(s) or anything. oh, wait.
Spy vs Spy vs Spy - too complicated
have a sunny week,